| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| kristin sherrill |
Posted - Oct 05 2008 : 4:31:56 PM
A good friend that lives up the road from me is bringing her parents home to live with her and her family. It's not a good thing. Her husband does not like this new chain of events. Her parent's are both 86. Her dad had major surgery to remove part of his intestines and her mother took care of him. They've been married over 60 years. Just a few weeks ago they found out her mother has pretty aggresive cancer and is in the hospital in Birmingham. Her dad was at her house. She asked me to check on him Thurs. and Fri. while she was at work all day. I had to make sure he ate all day and I sat and just talked to him.
He misses his wife so much. He just cries for her. They don't tell him anything. He feels helpless being so far away from her. It just breaks my heart.
Sat. Isabelle took him to go see her in Bir. and if she was getting out, she will bring them both back here. It's just too much to go back and forth so far all the time.They will have to sell their house they've lived in for years and leave everything they know. It's like their lives are over. At least they'll be together.
It's so sad. I told my kids not to do that to me and my husband. Do not separate us or keep things from us. It's not right at all. I really don't see how they think it's a good thing to keep people in the dark about the person they've been with most of their life. It's not right.
I just hope and pray they will be happy the little time they have left here. I will try to do the best I can to make them happy in a strange place. I do not want anyone to have to go through this heartbreak. It's like they don't have any sy in anything that involves them now.
Anyway, I just had to vent about this sad time in a person's life when it's turned upside down. Thanks for listening.
And if you all have elderly people in your life, take the time to listen to them They really are fascinating paople and full of great stories. Even if they tell the same story all the time, they add more stuff they forgot. So it's like a whole new story all over again! Old people are neat people. We should enjoy as long as we can.
Kris
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| 13 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| kristin sherrill |
Posted - Oct 18 2008 : 4:57:09 PM
Becky, I am so sorry for your loss. I am glad you were there for them. Love is something so amazing that two people can be together almost their whole lives and be so connected to each other that when one goes the other goes not long after. What a wonderful story of life. And I truly believe in my heart that those two are together right now. As are my grandparents and all my aunts and uncles. Love is that strong.
I hope and pray that the love I have for my husband continues to grow and get stronger as the years pass. What a legacy to pass on to future generations.
I think my friends parents have been married 63 years. They are so funny. She gets on to him and he just goes along with it. Like they're so used to each other they just do it anyway. The way he's always right there whenever she asks for something. He likes doing things for her. It's so sweet. I really do enjoy spending time with them.
I think Hospice will have to eventually take over her care. She's in a lot of pain. So sad. |
| Daisydu |
Posted - Oct 18 2008 : 06:13:54 AM
Heather,
Hospice was definitely involved. They were a lot of help. And I thank my brother for sitting with Dad every other day so I could visit Mom. We kept them up on what was going on with the other. And they talked some on the phone. I just think it was so sad that they had to be apart in their last days. And that Mom was not able to be by Dad's side in the end. I did the best I could, and all I could. As far as Hospice is concerned. They were beautiful dedicated people. I am so thankful for people in this line of work. I could not do that. I am too tender hearted. I would cry everytime I went to visit someone. I recommend them to anyone.
The doctor ordered Mom to stay in the rehabilitation facility 2 more weeks, she gave up. She didn't last a week. She had several other health issues and passed with complications due to diabetes.
Loving a simple life in the country!
www.twistedfencepost.wordpress.com |
| MagnoliaWhisper |
Posted - Oct 17 2008 : 6:28:55 PM
Daisy, please do not take this as a woulda, shoulda, coulda, you did the best you could!
But, just for others who may be in this situation.....Hospice is wonderful, and they will help you out with the last weeks/months of serious illness.
If any one else is going through this and would love to have themselves or family taken care of at home, and need help, please contact hospice. It's totally free, and the volunteers are genuine, and lovely.
http://www.heathersprairie.blogspot.com |
| Daisydu |
Posted - Oct 17 2008 : 10:40:19 AM
Kris, I have a similar experience. My Dad was diagnosed with cancer and not given long to live. I was going to my parents house daily to care for them. Six weeks before my Dad passed, my Mom fell and shattered her leg. She had surgery, then a hospital stay, then a stay at a physical therapy facility. During this time I brought my Dad to my house and cared for him. He was still mobile and I had set my only spare room up for them. Mom was not mobile and I couldn't take care of her myself. I was able to bring Mom home for day visits on Sat and Sun before Dad passed on Wed. When he passed, Mom gave up. She passed 4 weeks to the day after Dad. I know there was nothing I could do and I thought it was so cruel that they couldn't be together in his last days. But I guess God had a reason. I still feel the guilt of not being able to care for my Mom in her last days as I did for Dad. I agree with you about them being together and knowing what is going on with eachother. But sometimes it can't be helped. Believe me, I know!
Loving a simple life in the country!
www.twistedfencepost.wordpress.com |
| ddmashayekhi |
Posted - Oct 15 2008 : 7:09:35 PM
They are in my thoughts & prayers Kristin. I hope they all enjoy these precious days together.
Dawn in IL |
| kristin sherrill |
Posted - Oct 15 2008 : 2:38:31 PM
Right now they are back together. They are at their daughter's home. She does have pancretic cancer and does not want her husband to know. He is kind of got alzheimers so it's not such a bad thing to keep that from him now. But they are happy and I know my friend is glad to have them there at this time in their lives. They are really nice people.
They do need lots of prayer, though. Especially for my friend and her husband and son. They still have not adjusted to the changes in the home. May never, either.
Thank you all for your stories. Good to know other folks go through this, too, and make it. |
| ddmashayekhi |
Posted - Oct 14 2008 : 6:15:56 PM
Thanks for sharing your story with us Kristin. I absolutely hate when someone else decides I shouldn't be told "the whole story" when the news is bad. I would much rather know what is going on then not be told the truth. I would never want to be separated from my husband either. It's good to remember that as my parents age.
Dawn in IL |
| MagnoliaWhisper |
Posted - Oct 14 2008 : 10:52:52 AM
My grandmother lived with us the last 10 years of her marriage. I do NOT think she interfered with my parents marriage at all. I believe it only made them stronger.
However, she was always one to say before that the worst thing in the world would be to live with your children. But, then it came down to it, with her alzhiemers being sooo bad. She appreciated living with us, and told every one she loved being with us.
One thing though, she never medaled, never had to have "her way". And basically she was a good person in our home. I think it made it easier for her though cause we lived next door to her house. So....she always felt she could walk across the yard and go back home if she wanted to. (but in reality mentally she was not capable of living by herself, the third time she set the kitchen on fire, cause she started dinner and went to bed and forgot about it, is when we inched her into our home-inviting her to dinner every night, breakfast every morning-had meals on wheels start coming for lunch.....then made her a room at our home, and one day just said would you like to spend the night it's awful late-after dinner, and you can just go home in the morning, little by little we had to covertly get her to live with us. But, she had to.
My mom used to be a nurse in a nursing home and couldn't bear to do that to her.
OTOH! I do not judge others who do do that.
AND, my own plan is, when we are (my husband and I) around 60 years old we are going to go out looking at retirement homes, and such, and will have a plan sit in place for IF we do need help. My grandma was the only one who didn't get to live on her own till her death. I have to feeling that had to do with other illnesses she had young in life, that brought on alzhimers later in life-a fall and blow to the head, rocky mountain spotted tick fever, diabetes, etc. My husbands family has all been able to live on their own completely till death. I hope we are of that sort. But, if not, we will have a plan to fall back on.
http://www.heathersprairie.blogspot.com |
| proudnanaof3 |
Posted - Oct 14 2008 : 05:27:18 AM
Going through a similar situation with my grandparents I know the heartbreak of having to make decision that are hard. I prayed and asked for guidance. I agree with Terri that I do not want to interfere with my children's marriages by causing them hardship. Making the decision to place them in the nursing home was a difficult one for me but one that I finally realized was the best decision. My grandmother was reluctant to begin with but soon she became alive again and was going to everything the rest home had to offer. I often had to hunt her down for a visit. She soon began to love it. My grandfather had a stroke and needed more help than I could give him and was in a different part of the nursing home. To start off my grandmother was upset that he was in a different room, but after several trips she made to his room she soon made comments of being glad he is in a different room. (he had started yelling) Both are gone now and I miss them so but I do not regret my decision at all.
One suggestion that I would give everyone is to make a living will is made so that wishes are followed out. If a desire is expressed about not wanting tubes or resuscitation get it in writing! My father in law died on the operating table 3 years ago and 1 of 5 brothers said to save him. (he had been fighting cancer for years). The doctors did and he lived 2 more years in hell. He would constantly ask why did you not let me go. We were fortunate to have him for 2 more years but he suffered everyday with treatments, bedsores, never walking, being fed, dialysis, and pain. Again make sure your wants and wishes for your future are down on paper, notarized, and understood while you are able and sane.
Farmgirl Sister #295
If you want to lift yourself up, lift up someone else. Booker T. Washington |
| 5 acre Farmgirl |
Posted - Oct 13 2008 : 1:39:46 PM
We told our 6 children, that no matter what, if we get too old and senile and they cannot handle us, to put us in a safe place and give us drugs(LOL!!!! ) We don't want their marriages to suffer for us, hopefully DH and I will go together and not be left alone without one another, I cannot imagine ever living without my DH....We are absolutely imseperable....My first was a disaster, but, this man, is the most wonderful man in all the world.....    
Farmgirl Sister #368
http://froccsfrillsfurbiloesandmore.blogspot.com
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| Ronna |
Posted - Oct 05 2008 : 7:30:29 PM
My stepmom remarried a few years after my dad died in '76. When her husband was finally diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer last year, he only lived another 6 weeks. I believe he knew what was wrong, but supposedly the Dr's did not until then. Several months before he died, he took me aside and asked me to take care of my stepmom, to keep close contact and help her when I could. I think he told the Dr. not to tell her, which I suppose is part of the Dr/patient confidentiality. My mother had breast cancer diagnosed about 6 mo before she died. She opted to not have any surgery or treatment, just what I was hoping she would say. I told her something else would get her before the cancer had spread enough to take her life and was right. I was so up front and honest with her and think she appreciated it. When she was going downhill, she asked me what was happening and I told her her body was slowing down and her organs were just tired of doing what they'd done for almost 85 years. She accepted the truth and didn't fight it. No way could I have told her she was fine and would be getting better.
So many older people are treated like little children and it's not fair to them. Unless there's a brain/memory issue, the body may be failing but the mind is still intact. I honestly don't understand those who keep their loved ones without the information they have a right to know.
When I do retire in the near future, I would like to be an elder advocate for those without family or family that doesn't care. I saw so much when mother was in assisted living and then the nursing home. Her lady friends would tell her they wished they had a child who cared enough to see that their care was satisfactory. Okay, off my soapbox. A week away from 3 yrs since mother died, so my feelings are a bit raw right now. |
| MagnoliaWhisper |
Posted - Oct 05 2008 : 5:33:23 PM
Same thing happened with my step grandparents. It made me very angry. My step father was the only one that wanted to tell them! There was 4 other children that threatened him not to. (2 of his brothers were going to beat him up if he did, and they are much younger and stronger, as my step father has a lot of health problems, and those brothers are crazy, so he didn't do it. But, it sure made all of us mad!).
See his mother had cancer. And no one told her or her husband! They were also married well over 50 years. The father lived another 2 years, very depressed missing the wife every day! It still makes me cry thinking they were in the dark. For a whole month while every one else knew she was going to die! (she had a very bad uncurable cancer-stomach).
Any way, I 100% agree. I have made sure to tell every one, NOT to do that to me. I don't understand the sense in it! Both mentally had all their facilities! And I am sure would of loved to of maybe spent that month talking about their lives, and maybe last things they wanted to say to each other. It makes me cry just thinking about it. And ANGRY! I don't understand why the drs wouldn't tell either one of them either! The drs advised not to! GRRRRRR UHG. Just makes me mad. I sure hope to God my kids won't do that to me. But, I also hope I have taught them better then that. Lying is almost never good! And especially about this. Especially if we were both to have our full mental capabilities like they did!
http://www.heathersprairie.blogspot.com |
| lacisne88 |
Posted - Oct 05 2008 : 4:59:29 PM
Kris, thanks for letting us all know about these two people. That would be really hard to deal with and I hope their situation turns out for the best! Stay strong!
Chelsey
Farmgirl Sister #283
http://farmgirlpleasures.blogspot.com/
http://aminiatureworld.blogspot.com/ |
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