| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| goneriding |
Posted - Sep 08 2008 : 7:30:15 PM
I have worked it out that I can be around them and not let them bother me. I've had to put my foot down a few times when I felt they were trying to overstep but they've lived thru it. But from my new 'angle' on them, I see things I didn't see before. I can be almost analytical about it too.
I think basically, they are insecure. They need/want to control everything around them. There is little interest in the outside world, which clashes with my way of being. So be it now. Hubby and I have had a few more talks and these times I haven't gotten all worked up about it, just stated what I saw and let it go at that. Didn't try to 'show' him how they 'really' were. That's there problem, not mine. He doens't get upset about it anymore either, no point in it.
Just today we found out that my SIL and BIL are having trouble and I know EXACTLY what it is but didn't feel the need to straighten everyone out, know what I mean?? It's their problem. Let them have it and I'm out of it. Not dragging me in.
I think I might have found a peaceful way of dealing with them. I will say that hubby finally had a talk with his daughter, about her attitudes...that was a major breakthru. But still, not my problem.
Just living my life and not worrying about what they think of me. Peaceful!! 
Winona 
When you lose, don't lose the lesson!!
http://goneriding.wordpress.com/
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| 11 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| knittingmom |
Posted - Sep 17 2008 : 10:14:13 AM
In-laws can be difficult to say the least. My MIL is a bit of a character, however, not going to change her she's in her 60s.
Keep my lip buttoned on most things except if she's not interacting with the kids in a positive way. Tuning things out makes life more pleasant. (LOL). But seriously be thankful if your parents are normal.
But agree with Chicken necker, would be nice if husbands came with an ingredient list :) |
| kmbrown |
Posted - Sep 10 2008 : 04:48:45 AM
Controlling MIL's are the worst. Mine hated me even before my hubby and I were married and they created so much chaos in the beginning of our marriage it was unreal. We went through a period of time we didn't see or speak to them at all...even when our second son was born. Then they came and wanted everything to be ok....we tried our best to let them be involved again but it wasn't good enough for them. They said we didn't include them enough...meaning we didn't let them in control so it wasn't good enough. They came and saw our baby girl born in May and they haven't called or seen us since. Little do they know the next time they call they are going to be told they are not welcome in our lives. I don't trust them AT ALL and my hubby and I have both told them that to their faces. What kind of grandparent don't even come and see the grandkids...they live 10 min away! They have NO idea what they are missing. Oh well, all I can say is stand up for yourself, your marriage and your kids. NONE of these are worth losing to a controlling mil. |
| chicken necker |
Posted - Sep 09 2008 : 8:00:59 PM
Too bad future mates don't come with "ingredients"! LOL! Unfortunately, there wouldn't be a man left standing in the store!Mother issues... 95%
Ex-wife, aka spawn of satan...50%
Children.... OMG 100%
FarmGirl Sister #123
Crafty Bay FarmGirls Chapter
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference. |
| Amie C. |
Posted - Sep 09 2008 : 09:38:01 AM
Thanks for the advice Winona! I have noticed your past posts, but I never imagined how much our situations have in common because your in-laws seemed to be openly nasty and mine are very nice, and sweet and all that. Just totally selfish and manipulative under the surface. I'm hoping that things will get easier once my mil actually moves this last time. She's moving to another state to live with her daughter. So I'll need to start being firm when she starts making plans to come stay with us for weeks at a time! |
| goneriding |
Posted - Sep 09 2008 : 09:31:58 AM
Small steps. I've been on here for about a year complaining about his family, just cuz there isn't any other place to do so safely!! But by talking it thru and then thinking about it, I've arrived at the above mentioned spot. If I had done all this at the very beginning, I don't think I would have been married or have even stayed married! I didn't have the nerve at first and now I'm a lot stronger. My manners still prevent me from saying everything upfront and out loud to them but my actions have demonstrated that I've had it...I'm on to them. If your hubby is like mine, don't expect much help and I risked divorce by finally just telling him I was thru with them...other than being mannerly in social situations. It was either put up with them for the rest of my life like this, in whihc I was miserable or do something about it NOW and be happier.
Just remember small steps!1
Winona ;-)
When you lose, don't lose the lesson!!
http://goneriding.wordpress.com/
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| Amie C. |
Posted - Sep 09 2008 : 09:00:07 AM
Winona, I truly think you are on to something. I've noticed with my husband that when his father died all of a sudden his mother has started treating him as though he were his dad (in a bad way).
It's hard to say no to her because my husband and his sister are so used to doing things together as a family. I can see how it's good to be close knit, but it seems like certain members of the family get a lot more out of it than others. I think the family dynamic needs to change now that the siblings are married and grandchildren are coming along. But it's going to be hard to do it without alienating the people who are still enjoying the old way of doing things. |
| goneriding |
Posted - Sep 09 2008 : 07:38:39 AM
Something I just thought of...I wonder if my hubby's mother won't let him totally go cuz she feels slightly abandoned in her marriage to my FIL?? Could that be why a lot of mothers won't let their son totally go...some sort of replacement for their husband?? My FIL has all the warmth of a barracuda at times. He has a temper that sometimes he can barely control, turns red and gets harrumph-y. Hmmmm...I may be on to something here!!
Winona :-)
When you lose, don't lose the lesson!!
http://goneriding.wordpress.com/
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| goneriding |
Posted - Sep 09 2008 : 07:32:47 AM
Oh, Amie... If you read back on my past posts you'll see how I've had sometimes the worst experiences with my in-laws. I didn't get much help from my hubby cuz I think he's a bit too close to his mother (who encourages it of course) and would almost always take their side against me.
Being the sort of person who wants to help others and just get along, I went against my feelings and put up with it for about 5 yrs. I put myself thru the wringer for people who didn't think much of me. Then one day, my true self came thru and I just thought "Oh, the h*ll with it!"!
Believe me, it's been hard to stand up to them but I can now...basically cuz I just don't care that much about their feelings. I am now 'busy' whenever we get a call to come to dinner (every single nite that we're home!), the barn/horse needs me to do something that is 'important' and must be done NOW, I already bought makin's for supper and just want to cook for myself and hubby...you get the drift.
It's hard, that first step but it can be done. If you do so, be prepared for the backlash but if you are really in a place that you just don't care, they will have to back off. Hopefully your hubby will understand and at least sort of back you. I made sure my hubby knows how miserable I am around them and now he knows better than to try to 'patch things up'. (oh yeah, I was doing the patching and they were just sitting back, doing nothing).
I hope this helps somewhat. I am proud to say that with my son and DIL, I have made sure that he knows that my DIL comes before me and he's to take care of her first. Good honk, I sure don't want to put a burden on them like my in-laws have put on me!!
Winona :-)
When you lose, don't lose the lesson!!
http://goneriding.wordpress.com/
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| MagnoliaWhisper |
Posted - Sep 09 2008 : 06:09:30 AM
Amie it's still up to you. You still have power over yourself, to say yes or no to her request. They are only request after all, even if they come in a demand package. She can't "force" any one to do anything.
http://www.heathersprairie.blogspot.com |
| Amie C. |
Posted - Sep 09 2008 : 05:58:35 AM
See, I wish I could take that attitude toward my inlaws but they demand participation. If I ever thought about it before, I would have said that a woman's duty to her inlaws is to be nice to them in social interactions, give them access if they want to visit with their son or their grandkids, and that's about it. But my inlaws seem to expect that their son works for them and I'm an extra bonus employee. Just in the past couple of years, my mother-in-law (now widowed) has moved once and she's in the process of moving a second time. She announces that she's moving and then lists all the jobs she needs done and asks "Which of you is going to do what?" Now, should it really be my responsibility to clean out my mil's house, sell her car, maintain her vacation property so she can come back and visit from out of state, etc? I'm genuinely confused, since the most my own parents ever ask of me is an occasional request to babysit or give them a ride when they're having car trouble. |
| Tammy Claxton |
Posted - Sep 08 2008 : 8:12:54 PM
My in-laws stink too. My hubby has no control over how they are, but I used to get sooo upset about them. They act phoney and everything, I mean EVERYTHING, is about money. OMG, I couldn't live like that - always putting a price tag on things and trying to keep up with the Joneses.
I am like you - I ignore it and steer clear of them whenever possible. When they are around - I act respectful and then they're gone until another day.
Such is life.
Do what's best for you friend and keep on keepin' on!!
Crafty Bay Farmgirl Chapter
"What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger"
Farmgirl #152
http://countryintheburbs.blogspot.com/
http://bigdogmom130.etsy.com |
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