| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| julia hayes |
Posted - Feb 19 2008 : 09:38:13 AM
this is an email I just sent to my family about Aria's hair falling out. As you know, this has been a really hard thing for me. I have come to fully accept it but I'm grieving the loss and I'm facing the harsh reality of her illness. These are some of my thoughts! ~julia hayes
As you all know Aria losing her hair has been an unfortunately difficult reality to reconcile. I have fully accepted it and I have found some peace. I realized just yesterday, Sunday February 17, 2008 that the thing that was missing in terms of the process of her hair falling out was 'beauty.' All the descriptions I had heard seemed a little harsh, despite their truth. I kept imagining vast wastelands with "clumps" of grass or "tufts" of weeds or "itchy" prickly plants and so forth. There was nothing beautiful in what I saw nor in how the process was described and I was very conflicted by that because Aria is so beautiful and the process we've been experiencing hasn't been harsh at all. Nothing seemed to fit, until yesterday.
I've noticed that I can see much more of Aria's scalp now and the texture of her hair has changed. It is a little more coarse. Her hair is not patchy but there is a definite thinning going on. I have not noticed large amounts of hair on her pillowcases or on the places where she sits. I have noticed some hair on her pajamas and on her carseat but that's it. I haven't seen any hair flying around as we carry her or as she takes a few steps. I have noticed some hair in the comb but it is not dramatic. In fact, it seems like the downy softer hair that lies closer to the scalp is what is coming out first. I wonder if that's the thinning process where the finer hair near the scalp falls out first and then the more developed hair, falls out later. Overall, it has been an incredibly gentle process.
I was driving to Luna's yesterday to get some more bread and I was thinking about an image. I needed an image, an analogy to describe what it has felt like because the wasteland imagery just was not working for me. I was driving down a road that is heavily wooded when it hit me.
Think for a moment about a live Christmas tree. Think about all the needles on the Christmas Tree and imagine that tree at the end of the holiday when you are taking off the ornaments. So often, as the ornaments are removed you may notice some needles falling but it isn't until you look at the floor when you realize just how many needles have come down. Occasional a few needles land on your sleeves or your hands but it is always silent and gentle. It is also a glaring reminder that the tree has died and its loss of needles is simply part of that process. After all the ornaments and lights have been removed it is interesting to take a few steps back and look closely at the tree. I have always found that the tree itself is still very much intact but I can see the trunk a little more distinctly. I can also see the smaller twig-like knobby branches that are on the larger branches closer to the trunk more clearly. But the tree is still there and its beauty and magic are still very much there.
This is Aria. Right now, she is my Christmas Tree. She is full of magic, gifts, beauty, splendor, twinkle and joy. Her hair and the cells that create and hold her hair are, however, slowly dying. She remains, however, just as she's always been; solid, grounded, continually growing and majestic. To imagine Aria, my Christmas tree, in a forest of her peers is the beauty I so desperately sought after spending so much time alone in a wasteland.
~j
being simple to simply be
Farmgirl #30
www.julia42.etsy.com |
| 10 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| Maryjane Lee |
Posted - Feb 22 2008 : 5:31:16 PM
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOX!
Hugs, Maryjane Lee
Farmgirl Sister #44
The Beehive Cottage~est. 1971
Sisters on the Fly #595
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| Alee |
Posted - Feb 19 2008 : 7:25:01 PM
Julia- you are amazing! What a wonderful analogy!
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
Please come visit Nora and I our our new blog:
www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com |
| cajungal |
Posted - Feb 19 2008 : 7:16:53 PM
I'm sure your writing/journaling is extremely cathartic and healing for you......they are for us, too. You are very gentle and comforting in your words. We continue to pray.
Blessings
Catherine
One of the best compliments from one of my daughters: "Moma, you smell good...like dirt." |
| farmgirl blessings |
Posted - Feb 19 2008 : 4:11:44 PM
The love in your words has touched me deeply. You are an amazing woman & mother, Julia.
Blessings, Lea
www.farmhouseblessings.blogspot.com
www.farmhouseblessings.etsy.com
www
"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose." Jim Elliot |
| Rebekka Mae |
Posted - Feb 19 2008 : 3:56:35 PM
Julia- I love you all and I want you to know that we are sending you warm vibes every day- particularly at sunset for some reason;) Erik got such joy seeing the valentine you made- I stitched on it "I love you with my whole heart" and I have to say this is the first time he has asked me to tuck away a Valentine or card...must have been the quill that won him over. He knew right away that the fabric was that same as Bella's dress- what a doll. Thank you so much for your writings, I feel so blessed to have this window into your life and heart right now and I look forward to being able to side by side again with you.
Warmly, Rebekka
www.bebebella.etsy.com
As a woman I have no country. As a woman, my country is the whole world.
Virginia Woolf |
| a rose |
Posted - Feb 19 2008 : 1:06:43 PM
I lost my hair a couple years ago due to radiation for a brain tumor. It grows back!! I got a lotion to rub on my head from the dermalotlogist and it worked wonders for growing the hair back.
Remember me as a rose. |
| Annika |
Posted - Feb 19 2008 : 12:19:27 PM
Hug your beautiful little Christmas Tree, She is a magical treasure
And you, my dear, are a poet. Please write Aria's book.
Hugs to you Julia
Annika
Farmgirl sister #13
Mud Hen Queen
http://innermountainmudhens.wordpress.com/
http://panzymoon.wordpress.com/
http://panzymoonsgarden.blogspot.com/ |
| mima |
Posted - Feb 19 2008 : 12:02:06 PM
Julia, you are by far one of the most beautiful and amazing women that I'm privledged to know!!! Little Aria, Rio and Rhianna are soooo lucky to have you as their mom!!! So much love to you my farmgirl sister!!!
"No pessimist ever discovered the secrets of the stars,or sailed to an uncharted land or opened a new heaven to the human spirit." Helen Keller |
| Firemama |
Posted - Feb 19 2008 : 09:59:52 AM
Julia you are amazing and loving. I doubt I could be that strong, you are an inspiration to me.
Mama to 2
FarmGirl# 20
Rich or Poor, It Dont matter We're all the same everybodys hungry in a different way....
http://myfarmdreams.blogspot.com/
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| jpbluesky |
Posted - Feb 19 2008 : 09:52:02 AM
Julia - you are an inspiration to all of us. Your story of hair loss reminded me of a time that my daughter and I went to have our photos taken at Glamour Shots. Remember those places where you could get made-up and hair done and then have your picture taken like you were a model? Anyway, beside us was an attractive woman having her photo taken, and she told the hairdresser she was having this done while she still had hair, so that she could look at it when her hair fell out from chemo. She was so brave, and my heart ached to hear her say that. But she was beautiful, and positive, and I often think about her to this day, and wonder how she is.
Your photo of your pair of braids in a heart shape can be like that Glamour Shots photo I witnessed - a reminder that the beauty of Aria's hair will come again in reality.
Praying for you - and by the way, you should write a book when this is all over, and use these entries you are sharing with us to help others. They are beautiful.
Farmgirl Sister # 31
Psalm 51: 10-13 |
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