| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| greyghost |
Posted - Dec 25 2007 : 10:32:28 PM
I need advice. or help. or something.
Been married 7 1/2 years. I feel un-thought-about. For many years now, he hasn't gotten me anything for Christmas. I get him something, every year. Every year, he "feels bad" because he never "found time" to get me anything. I only got something for my birthday this year because I made it clear what I wanted. It wasn't wrapped or anything, he just handed me the box it was shipped in. Worse? I knew what it was, and I knew he had a discussion with a friend of ours via IM about it (on MY computer!), complaining... he accidentally left that window open and I read everything he said. Our anniversary? Nothing for the past 3 years. We went out to dinner 3 years ago, that was nice. I planned a picnic for us this past year, it had to wait until after the football game. It is just disappointing.
Many times, I feel like he doesn't know me anymore. That he doesn't know what to get me because he doesn't know me. I mean, he completely understands our day-to-day stuff, he knows my issues with my family and is always so supportive. But my interest in herbs, biology, anatomy, in foreign languages, gardening - all the things close to my heart, I feel he doesn't know. My research on religions, I've had to do alone, he isnt interested. I keep tabs on Monsanto and organics, the environment, on investing, the real estate market. I'm always researching. Holidays? I have to do all the decorating, cooking, shopping, wrapping, baking, planning... no help. I run my own business, I do all the wifey chores of cleaning and cooking and laundry on TOP of my business. Sometimes, I just feel like a maid with benefits.
Sex? Gals, the guy I married used to style his hair, and shave, and dress nice for work (he was a teacher). Now that he is self-employed, he shaves once a month, never styles his hair, I have to cut it for him (not easy, since he is hard to sit down and make him let me cut it). It's so hard to feel attracted when your man wears sweatpants and t-shirts with stains and holes in them, and every time I buy him shoes for "better" he winds up wearing them to work in, they get oil or paint or who-knows-what on them. Ruined.
I guess, I just feel unromanced? I don't expect the world. I really don't. But I'd like to open something from him for Christmas, and I'd like it if he at least tried to look presentable. It's embarrassing. We aren't poor, and he dresses like a BUM.
He's prone to depression, especially in the winter months, and its a constant drain on me to build him up and keep him going. I feel like he is wearing me out.
He's a wonderful man. Loving, caring, industrious, very talented. I know he loves me, depends on me. I know he wants me to be happy, but i think he thinks that only comes with money (not true, and I have so fought that line of thought from him!) When he was away for 3 weeks working in Florida, he missed me a lot. I think, more than I missed him, for me it was a great break, I got so much accomplished and never felt down. Now he is back, Christmas is over, he's asleep, and I'm up and feeling terribly unhappy.
What can I say, and how can i say it without sounding selfish? Or without making him feel like a rotten husband?
Help. |
| 18 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| chicken necker |
Posted - Jan 04 2008 : 06:00:40 AM
Excellent news! Happy for you!
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. ~anon |
| greyghost |
Posted - Jan 03 2008 : 8:28:12 PM
Sherry, I am sorry to hear your tale. I hope we do not go down that road.
I think things here will change. I hope so. He did surprise me with a few gifts a few days after our cryfest, good gardening things I can enjoy later in the year. He was cute about it, signing the gift tags as "from your clueless husband" and "from someone who loves her very much." So that was sweet, and I hope a sign of improvement to stay for years to come. I don't know, because I am not sure that it will. But we will see.
JPbluesky, I have heard of that book - my mom had lent it to my grandma and never saw it again. I know my love language is service - I do things for people I care about. |
| chicken necker |
Posted - Jan 02 2008 : 09:47:37 AM
I truly hate to be the naysayer here. All these suggestions are very good...the first time. I also don't want to say that you should do what I did, but just to give a little personal insight. I truly loved my husband, so much in fact that I actually proposed to him! We had the same goals in life, the same values, so much. We were poor and loving life! Then he got promoted and kept going after that. He changed completely and none of it for the good. I became the housewife and the mother of his children, period.
One of the most embarrassing turning points was Christmas one year. We had two young girls, 6 & 7 at the time. His brother came over in the morning to watch the presents being opened. After everything was done, the littlest said "Mommie must have been a bad girl this year again. Santa didn't get her anything." I was mortified and his brother was embarrassed, but it didn't phase him at all.
Well, onward to 4 separate marriage counselors. We would stop going to appointments as soon as the counselor would suggest that he was depressed and god forbid, possibly in need of counseling more than I. Next was a forced separation (TMI). I gave in to the final reconcilation after begging and cryfests for forgiveness and promises of change.
It lasted all of two months. From then on, I was supposed to suck it up, that's the way he is, deal with it or leave.
Sorry, long than I intended, but in a nutshell....
By all means, try for your love and your heart. But don't give "yourself" up just to keep the peace. You will regret it. If he "is the man he is" and refuses to change, you have to decide what you are hanging on to. The man he is, the man he used to be or the man you wish him to be. Everyone deserves a chance, but you deserve happiness also.
I truly hope the best for both of you!
Prayers, Hugs and Kisses!
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. ~anon |
| jpbluesky |
Posted - Dec 28 2007 : 4:36:52 PM
Lynn - from what I have read above, I feel your hubby is faithful and does love you in the way he knows how to love; he just does not understand what it means to make things special for you. I hope and pray that you can find a way of loving and living that is fulfilling for you both. Praying for you, and feeling like you are doing all the right things to make right things happen. Men!!!! :)
I have heard about a Christian book written by an author named Chapman about The Five Love Languages..... the ways we all give and need love. It is very interesting. Some folks need touch, some need words, some need gifts, and some need actions to feel loved....and our spouses do not always know what type of love we need. Perhaps you both could read that book together.
Farmgirl Sister # 31
Psalm 51: 10-13 |
| Peanut |
Posted - Dec 28 2007 : 2:29:34 PM
This might have been mentioned already and I missed it, but I think it's very important that your husband address his depression issues. Depression can affect soooooo many aspects of a person's life. I hope he speaks with a professional about it soon.
"What is a farm but a mute gospel?"
Ralph Waldo Emerson |
| Zahara |
Posted - Dec 28 2007 : 2:02:38 PM
Lynn,
you sound so tired.
like you just heard excuse #11 for the 27th time.
this is not life ain't fair. this is the normal, anyone would expect their spouse to like them and care about them.
yah, yah, everything has ups and downs and problems. But over a long period of time you have to be on the plus side.
Even in a business relationship you get money, that you can spend however you want. Even three year old children know, what you spend time on, is what you care about.
there is only four things that happen
1. you no longer care and live your life how every you want.
2. you change how you respond to this person and get their cooperation
3. this person realizes the relate-to-ship is in trouble and they make real changes.
4. you get a divorce.
Obviously you are looking for number two and three.
and that real hard.
there are alot of classes and literature out there and most of them are junk. Nice words -- do not give you a clue what to really do.
As one of the previous posts said, maybe someone who is happily married can advise. But, you just sound so tire.
I would try communication books/classes. Not relationship books/classes. Communication skills, asserting yourself. conflict resolution. Business communication. interpersonal communication.
Ask the librarian. A woman's shelter. You are looking for a way of making your expectations clear and getting them meet. What are your expectations? they have to be concrete.
I have read so much stuff over the years, that I do not remember where this was - but one woman got tired of doing ALL of the household tasks, informed her husband and children that household chores are now going to have to be shared as I work also. At first, they complained, whined, un-cooperative, temper fits, talking, oh I will help, but after four months of her doing only her own cooking, cleaning and wash, they came around. So for four months she ignored the filth everywhere. Was not angry, not upset, had nice pleasant conversations with them, just would not pick up after an adult.
--- communication skills --
|
| Utahfarmgirl |
Posted - Dec 28 2007 : 10:52:09 AM
Lynn, I totally understand. I married a Sicillian the first time around. Talk about trying to live with the old ways of thinking!
I really believe he was honest when he said he didn't want to hurt you and would try to do better. I think if you encourage him and show him love (use your pink light for this), things will improve. Of course you're feeling like you're the one putting the effort in all the time, because you probably are. An no, it isn't fair. But you know as well as I that life isn't fair. It's what we make of it, tho.
I still think you should respond with love, especially since you've already got the ball rolling.
Good luck, dear sister! If you need us, holler!
love,
Patricia
Proud Farmgirl sister #19
check out my etsy site http://ThePlayfulFarmgirl.etsy.com
Take me home, country roads |
| greyghost |
Posted - Dec 28 2007 : 10:36:14 AM
I really, really appreciate everyone's feedback, and support. Sometimes we gals just need other gals.
His reaction was to cry - he felt terrible and said he never ever wanted to hurt me, and that I'm the most important thing in the world to him.
He has, since that talk, helped more around the house. I hate to be a skeptic or anything but we have had "I need more help around the house" talks before, and the help lasts for a week or two at most, and then it's all back to being my job. But i do heap the thanks on him for doing all that... yesterday he washed the dishes (we have no dishwasher just yet).
Patricia, I do completely understand what you are saying about accepting him as-is... but you know, I feel like so very often we women are expected to be so strong, to put up and shut up. I honestly feel like that is wrong, for EITHER partner, to feel hurt and try to find a way to get over it and deal with it. He and I both disagree with the 1940's housewife mentality, the June Cleaver in the kitchen thing (my parents are very strongly in this, like I shouldn't even sit in the front seat of the car with my dad, but my husband should, because he is a man.)
In my case, I feel like I give, and give, and give. Knowing someone loves you, and doesn't bother to show it in any way, just doesn't fill my little fuel tank to let me keep on giving - to keep boosting him back up when he is down every couple of days, to keep doing all the thankless chores, (sex falls in this category too) the finances, everything that I do, every day. I need something in return.
And again, I'm not asking for much. I told him a bag of mushroom compost would have made me happy, because I would know he had thought of me and knew I would use it. |
| Utahfarmgirl |
Posted - Dec 27 2007 : 11:21:48 AM
Sometimes guys don't realize that we need recognition and affection so you did well by telling him. you didn't tell us what his response was. In my experience (I went through exactly what you're going through, and in my ministry counselling), I've found that you can't change anybody. You can only change how you react to them. you can feel hurt and be sad or you can accept him as he is. Which way serves you best? that's the question you need to ask yourself and answer for yourself.
love,
Patricia
Proud Farmgirl Sister #19
check out my etsy site http://ThePlayfulFarmgirl.etsy.com
Take me home, country roads |
| bboopster |
Posted - Dec 27 2007 : 08:35:58 AM
Been having issues with my DH the last year that blows me away as for 12 years things were awesome. Seems after many heart to hearts he is changing and I believe it is his career change that is causing much of it. Besides he is also the post child for ADHD even though in the 1950's they did not use those labels. Since moving to our new home and him downsizing his business he is very picky about house cleaning, the way I spend my time and money has become a huge issue with him. Also visiting with my family, he has next to none and visits every two years at the reunion and this year one funeral. I have 5 children 3 from a previous marriage and 2 that I adopted after my divorce. I have a huge family and have been very use to spending oodles of time with them and throwing get togethers. All of a sudden we go no where, do nothing but stay at home. I find myself hiding things in my car trunk to bring out when he is gone. Long story short. I believe that men go through a mid-Life change just as women have menopause except there is not a certain time frame and no OTC or RX's that will help. The only thing that helps is the TRUTH from their wives mouth. And sometimes a bit of the same treatment. I hate the tit for tat stuff but in my DH's case it seems to work. Since I am in between jobs for the next month I will be home cramping his style and seeing what he does everyday while he should be working. It is interesting and does lend for some interesting conversations when he is in a questioning mood.  I love my DH with all my heart but there are times I could kick his butt around the block twice. (We live in the country so it is a VERY BIG block. Any time any of you Farmgirls need a shoulder e-mail me I am here for you all as you have been here for me! 
3 Blue Star Mother and Proud of it!
Pray for our troops to come home safe and soon.
Enjoying the road to the simple life :>) |
| yarnmamma |
Posted - Dec 26 2007 : 9:16:36 PM
Seems to me you have reason to be disapointed. But the happily married women would know how to respond better than me.
Most of the time I am glad to be single even if I am a single mother.
****************
Happy Holidays to my FARMGIRL sisters!
farmgirl #71 Linda in PA |
| farmgirl blessings |
Posted - Dec 26 2007 : 8:41:38 PM
It takes a lot of courage to be honest and share your feeling when you are hurting. I admire you for that, Lynn. Sometimes people are just so different that we really do need to tell them what we need. I hope that things just keep looking up from here!
Blessings, Lea
www.farmhouseblessings.blogspot.com
www.farmhouseblessings.etsy.com
www
"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose." Jim Elliot |
| Alee |
Posted - Dec 26 2007 : 5:47:02 PM
Lynn-
I know how hard those talks can be. Trust me I have had my own fair share of cryfests in the past (both me and him but don't tell him I said so!) Did he seem to understand and "get" it by the end? I hope so! *hugs*
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
Please come visit Nora and I our our new blog: http://FarmgirlAlee.blogspot.com |
| Aunt Jenny |
Posted - Dec 26 2007 : 4:04:30 PM
I hope things get lots better. I agree that spelling it out very simply for him usually works best for the guys. They sure don't think like we do. Pity.
You hang in there!!
Jenny in Utah
Proud Farmgirl sister #24
Inside me there is a skinny woman crying to get out...but I can usually shut her up with cookies
http://www.auntjennysworld.blogspot.com/ visit my little online shop at www.auntjenny.etsy.com |
| greyghost |
Posted - Dec 26 2007 : 3:49:45 PM
Well, I sat him down. He knew something was wrong because I never came to bed. So I explained everything, just the gift stuff, the daily unappreciated -ness. I told him I didn't want to hear how he is a bad husband from him, and not to get depressed about it, because that's why I haven't said anything for years... Anyway, it turned into a huge cryfest (so glad the neighbors didn't come over needing something, ours are great and they're like family, so you never know when they will walk in).
Mostly, I explained, I just needed to feel thought about. That I felt taken for granted, that the dishes and laundry and me supporting him on his dark days will just happen, that it wears me out and that I need something in return. I explained how it was affecting us intimately too... that things have been kinda not happening because it feels like another JOB for me to fulfill, another way he needed me. (I don't get off on being needed, it's nice sometimes but all the time? Ugh). I explained it doesn't need to cost money, that one of the nicest things he ever did for me was while we were living in FL, there were some wildflowers the garden club had planted (I was/am a member) and he pulled over and picked me a bouquet, and it meant the world to me.
And, that we needed more time, together. Talk time, not "what's for dinner" and future planning and investment talk. Yes I love those talks, but shoot, don't we have anything ELSE to talk about? That we needed more fun time together... again nothing that needs to cost anything, just walks in the park, or exploring something, bike riding, a picnic, whatever. Just something so life isn't ONLY about work and ONLY about the future, because you have to be able to appreciate today, else you will never enjoy tomorrow... tomorrow may never come. We aren't spring chickens anymore - not old, but people our age have had health problems and heart attacks too.
So, here is hoping that the future will be better. |
| a rose |
Posted - Dec 26 2007 : 3:30:18 PM
I have been married to the same guy for 45 years and he doesn't buy me gifts for any occasion. I used to feel bad until he went to Viet Nam twice and after the second time I realized the best gift I could ever recieve is the gift of ((him)). Now that we are older every day I am thankful for the gift of love we have for each other. I don't need any other gifts. His life and his love is the best gift I could ever get.
Remember me as a rose. |
| KYgurlsrbest |
Posted - Dec 26 2007 : 08:04:32 AM
I'm going to agree with Alee on this one....take him aside and spell it out. We've been married almost exactly the same amount of time as you and your man. My husband has his moments, and then he has his moments of pure genius, but I don't expect him to be a mind reader because it's never going to happen. He's a musician, and an artist, and he lives in his head ALOT, so little things, daily things get lost in the shuffle--like house chores, like doing or saying something nice for no reason, or whatever....Sometimes he asks "what can I do for you", and I will ALWAYS take the opportunity to speak up on that one!!! If he doesn't, I just tell him--nicely. It doesn't always work, but I've learned to pick my battles. Now, as far as the "keeping himself up" thing, my guy would wear the same pair of jeans for days if I let him...he does brush his teeth (thankfully), but he also believes in a man's right to emissions (if you get my drift) and frankly, we've gone round and round about that one over the years!!!!
The depression thing can surely wear you out--I know it well. Mine has a fear of all things "family" related and goes into a funk about every two weeks--this Christmas was no different, and I absolutely, positively, under no circumstances, let him ruin my holiday. I took space for me when he got on my nerves, and I told him about it, as well--never anything "outside the box" or realm of what the issue really was...he was simply being childish and overly dramatic about his family issues and it was affecting me and the way I enjoyed my holiday. This year, the first year ever, I got a lovely card in addition to my gifts thanking me for being an understanding wife, and kicking him in the bum when he needed it most--that he loved me for who I am and who I help him strive to be. That was pretty great.
But, it's not always like that, and like Alee said, communication is KEY.
I'm wishing you good luck and good wishes--it's heck to start the New Year out with so many hurt feelings, so take care of it now--let that be your resolution, to work on your feelings and your relationship!!!
Farmgirl Sister #80, thanks to a very special farmgirl from the Bluegrass..."She was built like a watch, a study in balance ... with a neck and head so refined, like a drawing by DaVinci"...
NY Newsday sportswriter Bill Nack describing filly, Ruffian.
http://www.buyhandmade.org/ |
| Alee |
Posted - Dec 26 2007 : 03:39:45 AM
This is just my opinion, but I think you need to pull him aside after breakfast on a day off and tell him that you need to have a serious conversation with him. I think that guys especially need pure honesty from us and we need to spell it out to him. Let him know you don't expect a ton of gifts, but something to show that he thinks about you. Let him know that you would appreciate him taking the time to wrap a present because it is the little things like that that help make us feel special. Let him know that you love him, but that sometimes you feel under appreciated and need more help and that you miss how wonderful he used to look when he got ready each day. Maybe he has changed a bit and maybe not. I know in the 8 years that Doug and I have been together we have had to have chats like this before. I think sometimes you "see" the guy they were and ignore some of the small changes day to day. Then the little changes one day look like a huge change that has happened very quickly. I think both genders do this and sometimes you need a "reality" check. I also think that guys appreciate it when the relationship expectations are made more clear to them.
For example, I really love recieving flowers, but Doug doesn't get it. He doesn't understand why anyone would spend good money on flowers that are just going to wilt and be trash in a few days. I understand his feeling, but I never really knew if he understood mine. Then a couple of weeks ago I was having a horrible week and I was getting crabbier and crabbier as the week went on. One night I went to pick up Doug from work and he suprised me with a small bouquet of flowers. Such a sweetie. It totally turned my week around. So I knew that he had listened after all.
I hope this helps and above all *Hugs!!*
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
Please come visit Nora and I our our new blog: http://FarmgirlAlee.blogspot.com |
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