| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| bboopster |
Posted - Dec 05 2007 : 07:10:26 AM
I want to scream and walk away!!!!! Please don't get me wrong I love my DH but from time to time I want to run the other way. I never understood the whole date someone for 10 or more years and then get married only to get divorced in a year thing but the past few months I am beginning to understand it more. We dated for 12 years (I had 5 children he has none and never wanted any) lived together for two of them (with my youngest son) as I was sick and could not work ( still paid my son and my way out of my savings). Then got married in June 2005. During the years before our marriage we did some traveling both paid our share 1 week a year warm and about two weeks in the summer to a very inexpensive (friends) cottage to enjoy the lake and dirt biking trails. Went to dinner, plays, and other social activities mostly his friends as I really don't have any that he feels comfortable with their husbands, along with family events on my side. He does not have really any family , only 12 left and not close to them at all, I on the other hand have oodles of family and we are all close. But lately he has turned in to a recluse and a very penny pinching one at that. He's driving me crazy!!! We built a new home two years ago and he downsized his business (as was our plan) so he would not have to deal with employees and the such and could do the work he wanted just restoring antique motorcycles not the daily servicing of them. We have no mortgage or bills to speak of except normal living expenses. I am currently unemployed (with his wishes so i can devote more time to my crafting, gardening, and such) but have up until last week work 40+ hours a week and contributed to the household budget 50/50 like always. I have a new job starting in January with a good income and work a part-time Christmas job this month. Last week he drops this ball on me that we are broke makes it sound like we need to go to the food pantry. When I know darn well we are not. We are actually doing better then before. We sat down last night to discuss things and Wham out of no where he makes statements as if he is footing the whole bill for everything which is not true, doesn't see the point in visiting with relatives for both Christmas eve and Christmas day along with our personal family celebration on the 23rd. I brought up travel as we have not done the winter trip in 4 years now and he says he doesn't think that will be happening anymore and it not important to him either doesn't want to. When I made comment that I still do and will do what I need to take that vacation he walks away saying that maybe I should have married someone else who had money. UGH!!!!! I pay my own way always have and always will. I am so frustrated that I can't even talk to him on any level as I am worried about what he will think. I unload my car with my purchases when he is not home to see that I spent money (my own from my earnings)I have a feeling he is dealing with business issues of downsize from 2 million in sales to 500k but he makes the same income and could make more if he worked at his job like he used to. Don't get me wrong he does work around the house and is always busy doing something productive. He acts like an old man in a hurry to get somewhere then in a hurry to get home. Maybe he's depressed. Doesn't think retirement is what he thought it would be. Maybe he should go back to work in the real world. OH NO he's having a mid-life crisis isn't he!! Thank you for reading this and any suggestions you may have. I have to go unload my car trunk before he comes in from plowing the drive 4 more inches of snow last night. THNAK YOU ALL FOR BEING HERE TO LISTEN!!!!! 
3 Blue Star Mother and Proud of it!
Pray for our troops to come home safe and soon.
Enjoying the road to the simple life :>) |
| 7 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| Canadian farmgirl |
Posted - Dec 06 2007 : 07:36:18 AM
Betty Jo, the first thing I thought of reading your post was "is he depressed?" The combination of retirement, new stresses, and also the time of year (less daylight) could be all contributing to this. I have been married for almost 20 years, and lately my dh is getting on my nerves, too! He's been retired for 4 years, and works the farm, so he does keep busy, but he's hooked on The Stock Channel! I can't stand watching that all the time, and I know that part of him probably is missing the business world, and I know he could be watching much worse things, but it drives me crazy! We, too, pay for things separately. When I was a SAHM he paid for everything, then I went back to work 4 years ago (when he retired) and I only work part-time, but I also am feeling so frustrated about money issues here. Sorry I can't give you much advise, but you just go ahead and let out your frustrations with us! It's better than letting it build up inside.
Lori |
| KYgurlsrbest |
Posted - Dec 05 2007 : 1:26:22 PM
I'm going to say it's a little bit of both--frustration about money, and frustration about being "retired"....I know married folk who do the separate thing with their accounts--two couples I know do it VERY well, and the other's, not so much. Seems like one or the other is always frustrated.
Remember, too, that a great deal of things said in the "heat of the moment" are rarely true--you're probably not broke, unless he's not telling you the whole truth  My mom's neighbor married a man who retired early from P & G. His retirement package is wonderful, and they don't want for anything except he holds on to every last penny and claims they don't have any "money"....h'es VERY tight! He makes her feel bad for spending even the littlest bit of money, even though she works and he resides in her home (that's paid for). He cries "poor mouth" more than anyone I know, and seriously, I believe it's because when you're working, there's always more--you live paycheck to paycheck, knowing EXACTLY what you bring in. With retirement, and downsizing a business, not so much. Maybe he's like my mom's neighbor in that he worries more now about the future--you never know what's coming around the bend, healthwise, moneywise, and you never know how long you're going to be here. It's like he budgets for a year instead of the month!!!
I hope you can talk with him about it in the near future--money is a terrible thing to fight over (BELIEVE me, I know, farmgirl sister!). Oh, and, if he doesn't want to do the Christmas thing, you do it. Don't let your holiday and your spirit be ruined. It's YOUR Christmas, too.
"She was built like a watch, a study in balance ... with a neck and head so refined, like a drawing by DaVinci"...
NY Newsday sportswriter Bill Nack describing filly, Ruffian.
http://www.buyhandmade.org/ |
| therusticcottage |
Posted - Dec 05 2007 : 12:36:31 PM
It sounds to me like he is depressed. Men wrap themselves up so much in their work that it is a part of them. It defines who they are. Some men don't do well with retirement. Maybe he needs to go back to work more? Could he do that? I know when my dad retired that he bought a lawn mower repair business and kept working until he was well into his 70's and couldn't do it anymore.
As far as your purchases go -- if you paid for the items is it necessary to hide them? I have done the same thing or told my daughter "not to tell dad". And since I work full-time and pay for them I ask myself why I do that.
I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this. I hope that you guys can work it out.
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| Alee |
Posted - Dec 05 2007 : 09:48:06 AM
Hi Betty Jo!
Oh I know how frustrating and maddening this can be. Where you don't see a need for concern but your spouse is very aggitated. Maybe this isn't it, but could something else be bothering him and it just coming out as a money issue? I don't know how he reacts to things, but maybe you could find a way to get to the root of what is bothering him and go from there?
Alee
The amazing one handed typist! One hand to keep Nora out of trouble! |
| babysmama |
Posted - Dec 05 2007 : 08:34:09 AM
It sounds pretty typical. Remember, the most common fights among married people are about money. But, the only problem I see is that it seems you both feel that you need to be equal about money - you putting in 50% and he the other and that if you want something you pay for it with "your" money. I may look at this from a different angle since I am a stay-at-home mom and therefore my husband brings in almost 100% of the profits but that does not mean that I am not pulling my share. I save us hundreds of dollars by using coupons, doing rebates, shopping sales, going to thrift stores, etc. Money is not "his" and "hers" but rather "ours" so I think you both may need to find out how to adjust to a "ours" mentality.
-ELizabeth |
| willowtreecreek |
Posted - Dec 05 2007 : 08:26:40 AM
Sounds to me like typicall married stuff. My husband seemed to "change" into a different person after we married. We fought horribly for the first few years and there were times I felt like "runing the other way" but we toughed it out and worked through our issues. We have been married just over 7 years. I can honestly say that this is the FIRST year I feel like we finally get a long and are stating to really understand eachother. I think something changes in our mind once we get married and we start to slack off a little.
One suggestion and please dont take this the wrong way - I know you had seperate finaces and stuff for a long time but it still sounds like you are still doing everything seperatly. If you keep sperate accounts and stuff that is fine but you need to work "together" on bugeting and things. When you do everything with your "own" money you tend to get territorial and that can cause a rift. Your husband may have some jelousy over what you have been able to put away and save.
Money is the number one issue in couples and it sounds like a big one for you all. There is a good program out there called "Financial Peace University". It is offered at a lot of churches. If you are okay with that sort of thing you might want to check it out. It is a great program.
Good luck!
Farmgirl Sister #17
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| shawna |
Posted - Dec 05 2007 : 07:54:09 AM
sorry to say but i sort of laugh about cleaning out the car! just because i do that sort of thing and i know how insane it is!!! (laughing at my self) I hope you two can find a happy med. good luck!
xoxxo MERRY CHRISTMAS xoxxo |
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