| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| Whimsy_girl |
Posted - Oct 24 2007 : 10:22:56 AM
Drama drama drama!!
I can't even believe how much drama has come of me moving to another state.
I know I haven't been on much, the house is coming along and we should be in so soon. I harvested my carrots and beets, I had a good pea crop this year, the kids are growing like weeds and we are all healthy and happy.
We are really really close to being done with the house. I got a part time job on Saturdays as a test administrator for a company who administers tests to executives. It pays well and it allows for a little extra play money. Kaylee is in Ballet and loving it, Halsey hasn't developed any interests like that as of yet, but just loves animals. She is having a great time playing in the yard with our big brown dog, and talking to the neighbors horses through the fence.
With all of that said I am having a little family conflict, and because there are like minded ladies of both my age and of grandmotherly age I feel like I could get a full spectrum of input on this situation.
After the move and stress, and a small moment of depression at the beginning of the year, I have come to a place where I am pretty content with things again.
My mom and step dad aren't happy that I moved to Montana, they are angry that we sold our previous house. They don't like that I am living where I do, nor are they happy about the new place thats nearly finished. It's 1500 sq feet on an acre of land, and a payment that will be a good 300.00 less a month than the last home we had. Regardless of that, the fact that it is still technically a glorified trailer really upsets them, and they also blame my husband for the depression I had at the beginning of the year.
On the way home from our visit the kids started asking questions that bothered me. My oldest who is about to turn four asked me "why does grandma think our house is icky?" and then when we went to visit the other grandma who lives right down the road from us (which also makes my folks very jealous, not my intent, but it just worked out that way) and she said "this grandma's house is icky because the other grandma cleans all the time" I asked her why she thought that because the grandma we were visiting (my husbands mom) keeps her home very clean, and she said that is was because she has rocks in her driveway and thats just "icky" I asked where she got those kinds of ideas and she said from the grandma we had just visited.
I asked my mom about it she denied saying anything to the girls.
Between that and questions like "why doesn't grandpa like daddy?" I thought that having the kids and her alone together might be a bad idea. My mom was planning on visiting this weekend and she asked if she could keep the girls overnight in her hotel room. I suggested that we all just hang out together instead, it escalated and she said I was burning bridges, twisting what they said and being childish by putting them on "supervised visitation" I said that she could see them from 7 in the morning until 10 at night the whole time that she was here so not spending the night didn't seem like a huge deal at least until this recent thing blows over, She said it would never blow over on their end if I restricted how much she could see the kids, and that I was being punitive and playing games.
It didn't go over at all well, and with my stepdad yelling in the background of the phone call she implied without full out saying that she wouldn't be coming at all then. Something like.. "if thats the way you are going to play it then that tells me all I need to know"
My family has always been pretty big on drama so misunderstandings blow up rather easily, but this particular thing looks like it could bring a lot of ugly things from the past to a head as well as the existing situation.
I am trying to decide if it is a good thing for me to hold my ground about the alone with the kids time and risk ties being cut entirely or if I should just back off so she will still visit the kids because they are her grandkids and they like her. I just don't want to see a wedge put between them and their father, nor do I like them thinking that we are less than because "their father is moving them into a damned trailer" I never meant for any of this to escalate and I prefer things to be pretty peaceful. She and I have our own history of things as all mothers and daughters do, but I haven't ever let that impact the relationship with the kids before, and I wouldn't have had a problem had they not been repeating things like that.
What do you think? Would you say I am out of line? The kids are pretty little so I don't even know how much of what she would say would stick with them for the long haul, but the fact that it's getting repeated now really gives me a reason to be cautious.
you can be oh so smart, or you can be oh so positive. I wasted a lot of time being smart I prefer being positive. |
| 19 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| goneriding |
Posted - Nov 16 2007 : 07:55:44 AM
Wow, what good advice. I don't really have anything to add excpet I'm glad I read this stuff. Gives me some perspective.
Winona :-)
Don't sweat the small stuff...
|
| kitchensqueen |
Posted - Nov 14 2007 : 5:35:07 PM
I'm not saying anything particularly new here, but I agree that it's inappropriate for your mother to me saying anything negative about your husband and/or living situation to your kids. If she has concerns/issues she should raise them to you and your husband (adult to adult) and let the kids be kids!
It sounds like your mother needs a little perspective as well- sure, you guys don't have the big McMansion in suburbia, but if you're happy and provided for, that's what really matters.
I don't think it's unreasonable for you to set boundaries and how much time she spends with your kids, so politely hold your ground on that one. And maybe all you need to say is "Mother, we are happy and provided-for in our current living situation, and would like to be involved in our lives. We appreciate your support. But if you feel you cannot support us, then let's agree to disagree and drop it". And then let it go from there. You can't please everyone all of the time!
http://apartmentfarm.wordpress.com
http://shadetreestudios.etsy.com
New Rt 66 blog: http://historyinthemaking.wordpress.com |
| mysophia |
Posted - Nov 13 2007 : 7:40:23 PM
Hi Bobby, I think it sounds really great what you've done, moving to Montana, having your own land, and 1500sq feet of living space, sounds pretty good. Theres nothing wrong with a mobile, its yours,be proud. live your own life, be happy.
take the narrow road, it will lead to the path of life |
| Hideaway Farmgirl |
Posted - Nov 02 2007 : 11:33:51 AM
Hooray, thanks for giving us an update! So glad you had a positive visit, best for everyone around, isn't it?
Jo
"Wish I had time to work with herbs all day!" |
| Tina Michelle |
Posted - Oct 30 2007 : 4:22:13 PM
nice to hear that things went well. yay!
~Seize the Day! Live, Love, Laugh~
visit me at:
http://gardengoose.blogspot.com/
and at www.stliving.net
you can also check out my etsy shops at:http://GardenGooseGifts.etsy.com |
| Miss Bee Haven |
Posted - Oct 30 2007 : 2:42:22 PM
I'm happy for you all that it went so well, Bobbi. It sounds like you and your mom may be on a better track. I hope everything keeps going in a good direction.
"If you think you've got it nailed down, then what's all that around it?" - 'Brother Dave' Gardner |
| Whimsy_girl |
Posted - Oct 30 2007 : 2:09:47 PM
Well the visit came and went and it was much better than I was anticipating. I think my stepdad has more to do with the problem than she does because when it was just her visiting without him she was so polite and gracious that it seemed like a different person entirely. She ended up staying in the hotel and we went there to hang out with her. She was so nice and we had so much fun that me and the girls ended up staying overnight. I still didn't end up leaving them alone with her, but she did get to spend a lot of time with them. It was a nice way of working it out that gave us some time to talk some of this stuff over after the kids went to sleep.
I think that some of the things she was saying on the phone might have been bravado for my stepfathers benefit. I mentioned that I wouldn't take responsibility for her hurt feelings in that situation because she had a hand in blowing things way out of proportion when we were discussing it on the phone. Even after I said that she was still quite civil about the whole thing.
Before she left she gave each of us INCLUDING MY HUSBAND!! a travel mug with halloween pumpkins and stuff on it for hot cider when we go trick or treating. 2 little ones for the kids and 2 big ones for us. He felt very happy to be included since he rarely is.
Come christmas we will still be staying in a hotel instead of at their home just to minimize potential unpleasantness, because there is a definate change in behavior when they are both together than when it is just her, and I don't want to put my husband through that.
I really should have thought about that aspect of it sooner because even growing up we functioned totally differently as a family when he was out of town than we did when he was around.
So weird.
We also discussed the idea of us meeting up for future visits in a neutral place like Missoula to spend a day together. It's only 2 hours away from each of us and keeps things light and on equal footing.
Anyway, thats how it went.
you can be oh so smart, or you can be oh so positive. I wasted a lot of time being smart I prefer being positive. |
| Sweet Harvest Homestead |
Posted - Oct 27 2007 : 04:30:35 AM
Bobbi,
I have not read the other posts so forgive me if I say something that has already beens said.
I would not let them go to the hotel alone. I am sure nothing sinister is planned but with the history that you mentioned, the children should remain close by your side.
Remember, they are your girls, YOU are the mother and the one in charge. Not your own mother. Don't let her bully you or guilt trip you into getting her way.
Congrats on your new home! I am excited for you.
Lindy
www.sweetharvesthomestead.typepad.com |
| Whimsy_girl |
Posted - Oct 25 2007 : 3:03:34 PM
Getting them together doesn't do the trick, it's been done and hasn't worked. I've been sitting here for a while now trying to think of a decent answer to the ideas mentioned here. I already offered hanging out here at the house and the response was pretty negative. Over time the friendship is surely the way to go if we can get to that point. She said she wants to just do a quick trip here and back without staying long, so I really don't know what to plan.
you can be oh so smart, or you can be oh so positive. I wasted a lot of time being smart I prefer being positive. |
| Tina Michelle |
Posted - Oct 25 2007 : 11:56:48 AM
sweety, you are being subjected to a manipulation tactic..it sounds like your mom is a great deal spoilt and used to getting her own way..with a good bit of jealousy thrown into the pot along the way.At her age..truth be told it's probably not very likely to change. But you can change how you deal with her and her "tantrums" and bad comments. As has been said here..nip it in the bud...but stay sweet too.
Remember..anger breeds anger.So temper your comments to her with kindness and love, but do make your point. Young minds are extremely impressionable and what she is doing to the kids is in no way acceptable. She is trying to manipulate them over to "her side" and for some reason..turn them against the other set of grandparents.
For you..the best thing for you to do if the other set of grandparents with whom she has a problem with..does any kind gesture,favor, or if/when they visit/or you visit with them..do not tell her about it.Or if the kids recieve toys/gifts..don't allow them to play "show and tell" of "look what the other granny got us!" This just serves to add fuel to the jealousy factor.
Also do not tell her if they have given you and your family a gift, or financial help or anything of the sort. As it seems that something is causing her to feel jealousy towards them and putting a seed of jealousy and anger in her that unfortunately decides to come out around the kids in those comments that you mentioned.
I wish you the best of luck.
you may have to simply tell her that her role as "mama" is over now that you are married and have your own kids,that she did a good job of raising you and giving you advice, but that now that you are married and are learning things pretty well on your own and enjoying yourself and have a good head on your shoulders... that her role is to simply be a sweet,loving grandma to the kids..to nurture them.. not harm with words or actions, and that you prefer your relationship with her to be more based on a friendship role now that your husband has taken over the role of giving you and your family advice and leadership.
Mention to her that the role of friend is a much funner role anyhow, and one in which you both are bound to get along better in..
Mama's sometimes preach.. but friends listen and laugh together and don't judge or preach or meddle where they shouldn't.
Perhaps you could get the two women together for a luncheon to help smooth things over?? just a thought.
(that's my 5 cents worth..ha)
~Seize the Day! Live, Love, Laugh~
visit me at:
http://gardengoose.blogspot.com/
and at www.stliving.net
you can also check out my etsy shops at:http://GardenGooseGifts.etsy.com |
| Hideaway Farmgirl |
Posted - Oct 25 2007 : 11:46:52 AM
Well, you gotta do what you gotta do. You might want to spend a little time planning some outings or activities that will help the visit go smoothly...just to have special card game or coloring books at the ready, or pre-mixed cookie dough that just has to be dropped onto cookie sheets and baked, these are things you can suggest for her and the kids to get involved in with or without your help, if things get really tense. Also a trip to a local area that could show them your new habitat, even going for ice cream at the dairy freeze in town if that's what there is. They might think it's hokey, but its your world, and something your kids can relate to when they talk to her next week or next month.
I suppose it's too much to try visiting the other grandparents while they are in town...is it oil and water between them? You can try hosting everyone at your place, even if it's small, it's HOME.
Good luck with the visit.
Jo
"Wish I had time to work with herbs all day!" |
| Whimsy_girl |
Posted - Oct 25 2007 : 11:27:06 AM
All of this makes me feel so much more on track with what my instincts were telling me. Sometimes it's just hard to be sure if I am over reacting. It took her 2 days to call me back (this morning) after the first discussion, but it turns out that she is visiting still, so she is not mad enough to cut off the girls. She kept it short and I can tell she is still mad so the visit itself could end up being tense, but it will hopefully resolve itself with time.
you can be oh so smart, or you can be oh so positive. I wasted a lot of time being smart I prefer being positive. |
| Hideaway Farmgirl |
Posted - Oct 25 2007 : 05:34:18 AM
Great advice here, Bobbi. I agree with everyone's comments here.
I have two beloved stepkids and 5 grandkids now aged 18 down to 7, and I don't get to spend time with them nearly enough but cannot imagine feeding negative comments into their little minds.
These are YOUR kids. You and your DH are the ones who have to deal with the emotional clean-up after visits with this set of grandparents. You would not put your kids into her car if she had been drinking, would you? You would not let them sit and watch porn or adult violence on TV if that was her particular taste? Why would you let her poison their little minds with ugly thoughts, and uglier comments about other family members who care about them?
The oldest child is four...only FOUR? As time goes on and they get older, they will see through her, and probably, decide on their own that this Grandma really isn't that nice to be with after all. For now though, YOU and your DH are their parents, custodians, guardians, protectors and you two are the ones responsible for their well-being. BTW, what are your DH's feelings about this, or is he staying out of it since it's your mom and not his?
OK, drunk driving and sex/violence are extreme examples, I know. The point is, can you feel comfortable that your children are in a positive, safe, happy environment when they are in her care? In my humble opinion, grandparents are subject to the same rules, obligations as a babysitter, day care provider, parent of a friend of your child or other family member who is given responsibility for your child at times when you are not there.
If you aren't comfortable with the environment, physical or emotional, then it's totally proper for you to require that she visit her grandchildren in your home, under your house rules, and if she doesn't like it, then she is missing out on time with them.
BTW, DH and I have kept our grandkids with us occasionally in our hotel room when we visit and aren't staying at the house with them all...it was not on a regular basis, and just done as a fun thing when they wanted to. They were all older than 5 at the time; in fact, the younger one was only 3 and she did not want to be away from Mommy overnight anyway. The three older boys had a ball, they thought it was a great adventure, as did we.
Stay strong; you are so good not to let your own issues with your mother spill over to your kids, and you are totally on target with making sure they are not subjected to mean-spiritedness such as this. Remember the saying, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." At age four, and under, it might be a good time to start introducing that golden rule to your kids, and at the same time, reinforce it with your mom.
So, there's my four-and-half cents! Good luck!
Jo
"Wish I had time to work with herbs all day!" |
| a rose |
Posted - Oct 24 2007 : 3:24:21 PM
Bobbi. Your main priority is your husband and your children. Mother has to accept the fact that you are a grown up and when you married your husband the apron strings were cut. Please don't let her manipulate your children. They will remember what has been said and they will be beside themselves with trying to please everyone and not knowing who is right or wrong. All this gets bottled up inside and it will come out in later years. Your mother has no right giving her negative opinion to your little ones and you have every right to tell her so. Stand up for yourself and your family. If she can't accept that, that is her problem. Not yours.
I am a Mom and a Grandma.
Remember me as a rose. |
| Kathie |
Posted - Oct 24 2007 : 3:23:00 PM
No.. Mother.. Grand mother..or what ever..
i don't think that they need more time then your allowing now to
'implant' Unhealthy little ideas & oppinions in your little guys..
These are YOUR children first..
First & foremost.. & your Family needs to respect that..
Not want to further confuse THEIR grandchildren by putting confusing little thoughts in their sweet little heads..
You & your husband are one thing.. your adults.. we all handle our families & parents how we have learned to..
But when it comes to OUR own children Bobbi.. they have to come first..
Talk to your mom.. let her know how confused she gets the kids..
& how upsetting it is for you & THEM to have to explain HER oppinions & questions to THEM! She's THE ADULT.. You shouldn't have to explain her words to the kids.. She Should respect that..
I'm sure she'll be hurt & upset over it all at first..
It's bound to be..
No one wants to be called on their own bad behavior..
But really.. whats the other option.. ?
You'll have to address it some how.. eventually..
So.. my thought is.. nip it now.. as best you can.. with out causing bad feelings if you can..
She's already feeling cornered now i'm sure..
Thats why she pulled that.. "If that's the way you want to play.. That tells me all I need to know " Business..
So.. I say if your comfortable with it..
Give it back to her a bit..
Remind her how much you love her..
But again..how good this move REALLY is for your family.. & that yes.. This IS what you want.. & that she needs to respect this for you..
Let her know that yes.. her oppinion matters to you.. But she needs not share it with your children.. These aren't things that they need to hear from their grandmother..
See how it goes Kiddo!
Fingers Crossed.. !! Keep us posted!!
In a World Where you Can Be Anything, Be Yourself.. |
| Whimsy_girl |
Posted - Oct 24 2007 : 3:04:38 PM
Wow thanks! I was sure that I would be told that I was totally over reacting!
:)
I should clarify that the 10:00 I proposed includes their usual naptime at home in their own beds. Their bedtime is at 8:30 usually, but I thought 10:00 was a common ground instead of all night in this case.
The problem that I may not have articulated as well as I should was that just by trying to set this particular boundry, the reaction to it was that she wasn't welcome here at all, that I was burning bridges and cutting ties. So according to how she repeated it back to me, no overnight one on one time = us cutting the ties.
you can be oh so smart, or you can be oh so positive. I wasted a lot of time being smart I prefer being positive. |
| Miss Bee Haven |
Posted - Oct 24 2007 : 2:40:43 PM
I'm so sorry, Bobbi. But I think it's really your mother who is the unhappy and dissatisfied person. Don't let her erode your peace of mind and hapiness. Your new place sounds great to me - a good financial move, the kids are happy - you have a job you like. Your mother almost sounds jealous of your accomplishments. And it's very unfortunate that she's using your children to spread her anger. Children are very susceptible to the opinions of grownups. Try to make her see that she's harming children she loves. Stay strong and good luck with this. Let us know how things are going for all of you.
"If you think you've got it nailed down, then what's all that around it?" - 'Brother Dave' Gardner |
| JudyBlueEyes |
Posted - Oct 24 2007 : 1:57:48 PM
Bobbi, while I am not a mother or grandmother, I was raised with 5 kids and took care of my younger brother & sister. I know it's not the same, but I have some thoughts. First, I think Jonni has the right ideas, and I like her suggestion of how to discuss the subject with your mom is on target. And I wouldn't let my kids stay out that late, esp. if the oldest is only not quite 4. I believe in a routine for kids which includes a set bed time that is not 10 PM for babies/toddlers. Let your mom visit with them until after supper and then it's time for bath and bed or whatever your routine is. It is different if they are staying overnight at grandma's house, but when grandma is in a hotel, there's just no sense. They are too young to be "thrilled" by the idea of staying somewhere different. When I took my nieces and nephews on vacations with me, the youngest they were was 6/7 and they were enchanted with staying in motels or at relatives houses. Okay, I took the one nephew when he was 3 but he was an exception - a very independent kid, and we were visiting my ex's sister who had a daughter his age and two other boys. But still...especially with the experience of your mom discussing adult topics with them, that's just not right.
So, this is my humble opinion, but I don't think you're out of line at all. You need to do what is best for your family. FarmGirl Hugs!
We come from the earth, we go back to the earth, and in between, we garden! |
| KYgurlsrbest |
Posted - Oct 24 2007 : 10:37:15 AM
My goodness. Sounds like everyone has their knickers in QUITE a twist, but(from what you've said), it sounds like some things from the past and a little jealousy because you're now living closer to another grandparent. I wouldn't cut ties with them entirely, but I would create some boundaries (if it were me). It sounds like you are becoming happy and satisfied with your life--I don't see anything wrong with that, and frankly, who's going to care about you and your family's needs but you (and your dh)?
I would NOT accept any of they're blame or weirdness about this move...put the ownership where it belongs. I don't think you'd be out of line in saying, "I'm sorry you and (step dad's name) think we've made a mistake. We're quite happy with it, our children are happy and healthy, and we're making a new start--why that is a bad thing, I don't know. You can decide whether you want to keep this up, but this is how WE feel."
And I'd keep my distance for a time--I wouldn't keep their grandkids from them, but I would let them know that there are boundaries there, too. What they believe (about trailers and other grandmas and rocks for driveways) and say, especially somewhat elitist comments, are not for your children's ears. These are CLEARLY adult issues, though kids might handle themselves better!
Sorry so much is being made of your attempts to live happily. You can only take care of yourselves!
"She was built like a watch, a study in balance ... with a neck and head so refined, like a drawing by DaVinci"...
NY Newsday sportswriter Bill Nack describing filly, Ruffian. |
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