| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| naturemaiden |
Posted - May 15 2014 : 08:50:25 AM
Hi everyone.
some of you might know I just wrote 2 poetry books. They chronicle my experiences from childhood on.
I had a real abusive mother. Just found out on Mothers day that my sister and aunt found my mother on may 2nd, and it was a nightmare! you see, we haven't seen our mother for nearly 32 yrs (july would have been 32 yrs)..... funny thing is, i wrote a poem at about 6am on mothers day for my mother. it would be just hours later on mothers day that my sister would tell me she found her.
here's the poem: (it will be in the 3rd book not yet complete)
MOTHER'S DAY
Today is Mother's day and I'm 44 years old.
The last time I saw you, was 31 years ago.
You gave me away because you hated me so,
your abusive ways, it was best for me to go.
It's about 6am as I sit writing this,
the rain just stopped & the birds are singing.
A cool breeze comes in through my window,
It's refreshing against my skin....
I'm about to make a second cup of Joe.
How sad I grew up without a mom,
the days I needed guidance, had questions and more.
The days I was sick I could have used a little care,
Instead I sat there crying in the chair.
The word 'mom' is so foreign to me,
I can't imagine calling someone that ever, really.
It's hard to imagine something you never really had.
Imagine no mother, and not even a dad!
I'm a mother myself and my boys are grown,
We've always had a warm & loving home.
No fighting or hurting, or rejection...
Just laughter & love, hugs & affection.
My boys know caring, just as they should,
They laugh and play and say "Mom, I love you".
The joy of being a mother is the best gift in life,
How you threw it all way, I can't imagine why.
I wonder what you'll be doing on this Mothers Day,
Alone and hateful and no concern I'd say.
When my boys wake up, I'll have good morning hugs, and "I love you's",
For this is the Mother's Day I wished you knew.
http://www.naturemaiden.com/ Handcrafted Soap & Candles
http://saratoga-rose.blogspot.com/ My published books & other writing.
http://modern-day-laura.blogspot.com/ Filled with everything I love!
http://www.thriftyfarmgirl.com/ Vintage Sewing Machine Parts
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| 11 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| naturemaiden |
Posted - May 21 2014 : 10:48:59 AM
Hi Peggy,
Wait until the book comes out, I've been debating how much i want to publish of it all. She refused my letter and I got it back today but it's okay. I've already moved on. I will email you my address. Thanks
Connie
http://www.naturemaiden.com/ Handcrafted Soap & Candles
http://saratoga-rose.blogspot.com/ My published books & other writing.
http://modern-day-laura.blogspot.com/ Filled with everything I love!
http://www.thriftyfarmgirl.com/ Vintage Sewing Machine Parts
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| LadyInRed |
Posted - May 21 2014 : 10:14:06 AM
Wow Connie...my problems with my Mother are nothing like the deep and horrific hurt you and your family
have experienced. I see that your heart has an open wound that has been bleeding for a long time. But
I believe That God is healing you. If my Mother was that toxic...I would do exactly what you are doing,
I would count my blessings and move on.
My mom has become a Christian about 12 years ago...after dad died. I do see God making subtle changes in
her...but she is still a Control Freak. But I can't give up on her...I can now see her as a broken person
who God is healing. She is very much a work in progress (just as we all are). So, I have a thread of HOPE
that you do not have.
Know that you are in my prayers and that I am so thrilled that the cycle of abuse ended with you.
If you email me your home address, I will send you some copies of some of my poetry.
Love and Prayers My Friend,
Peggy
Farmgirl #1326
http://ladyinredsite.blogspot.com
Life is too short to knit with ugly yarn!
Leave Your Cares Behind...Join Us On The Porch
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| naturemaiden |
Posted - May 21 2014 : 02:12:22 AM
Susan I agree, the best thing she could of done was give me up. My sister came over last Saturday and i asked her why she would pick mothers day to tell me she found our mother. she got mad at me and left. I was actually glad because she is dwelling on it too much & I find it 'toxic'. Even though I had been writing about my mother, i had been over it for a long time...then my sister drops the bomb. the package my mother refused also came back to me Saturday while my sister was here...the package looked like it was beat up, like she had rage, the books were torn and she wrote 'refused' all over it. btw, our mother is supposedly dying from colon cancer.
My sister is clearly not over it and her meeting with my mother must of been traumatizing for her, but it opened wounds for me. our mother basically assaulted my sister and was mean & vicious just as she was when we were growing up. she is so full of hate, it's sad. after the initial meeting between my mother and sister on may 2nd, my sister said she had a lengthy conversation over the phone the next day, and while our mother was still nasty, on some level they talked.
My aunt said that when she talked to my mother my mother cried, like she felt on some level remorse. when my aunt told her that my sister and i were doing well, my mother told her that she didnt contribute to anything.
SO, stupid me, thinking that my sister and aunt were able to speak to our mother, i called my mother on monday, the day after mothers day. This was also the day i sent the package at 9am. About 10:30 am i made the call. she cursed me out and was SO nasty. just as I told my sister she would be....i suppose i was looking for an apology, which she clearly was NOT capable of. After trying to be nice to her I became so frustrated I cursed her out and hung up. I suppose it was the least i could do for the years of torture.
On that day i came home and wrote my mother a goodbye letter. i told her i was sorry she was abused, and that she didnt have a good life. i told her that she had her own mind to make her own decisions and she made the wrong ones. i told her if she wanted to apologize i'd accept it and that it she didnt want to, that it was okay.....that her anger is not mine. I told her that she did contribute....that she gave birth to me, someone who would break the cycle of abuse and help others.
I told her i wished she could smell the lilacs in the air, hear laughter, see butterflies, enjoy an early morning sunrise, hear the birds singing...the little things that make life beautiful. I told her i hoped she could find one thing to bring her the slightest bit of happiness in her heart before she died. i told her this was my closure and that i'd never contact her again. It's been over a week and i havent rec'd the letter back yet....so i hope she read it, for some reason i was trying to empathize with and reach the little girl inside of her that was hurt so long ago that made her the way she is. i had never before felt that way. I had always wanted revenge. what the heck is happening to me? LOL. I was reaching out to a woman who hates me offering a last glimmer of care, because supposedly no one ever showed her any. I told her that even sinners can be forgiven if they truly mean it in their hearts.
I cannot allow my mother to burden my life in any way....enough years were wasted being angry, vengeful... among other things. I went to church this past Sunday and went back for prayer with an elder. I left feeling renewed and happy. I felt as if a burden has been lifted. I feel wonderful. I haven't heard from my sister since...i told her when she was here that i didn't want to hear about our mother again. I am moving on. When i write about it i don't feel upset, it feels like a release. I hope it helps others. I am feeling MORE inspired to write more material and reach out to other victims.
I am ok.
Connie
http://www.naturemaiden.com/ Handcrafted Soap & Candles
http://saratoga-rose.blogspot.com/ My published books & other writing.
http://modern-day-laura.blogspot.com/ Filled with everything I love!
http://www.thriftyfarmgirl.com/ Vintage Sewing Machine Parts
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| Cindy Lou |
Posted - May 20 2014 : 08:01:59 AM
Dear Connie,
Your story touches my heart. Many who have had your experiences would have turned bitter and not found it in themselves to seek and give love. Your mother is the one who who has lost so much by not knowing and sharing the life of her exceptional daughter. It sounds like "setting you free", when she couldn't show love, was the best thing she ever did in her life!
Susan
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"
Mary Oliver |
| naturemaiden |
Posted - May 15 2014 : 3:59:31 PM
I found out tonight that the package i sent her was refused. It made me mad but I brought myself back down to earth. I have to let it go. Peggy I'd love to read some of your poetry.
Connie
http://www.naturemaiden.com/ Handcrafted Soap & Candles
http://saratoga-rose.blogspot.com/ My published books & other writing.
http://modern-day-laura.blogspot.com/ Filled with everything I love!
http://www.thriftyfarmgirl.com/ Vintage Sewing Machine Parts
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| LadyInRed |
Posted - May 15 2014 : 3:45:13 PM
I write poetry also...I have volumes that I have written...but most of it is
Inspirational Poetry. I share mine with people but haven't done a book.
Other than 10 or 12 years ago my husband and I made a Devotional Calendar/Journal
where I also used some of my Poems and Photography. I sold all that we made...
about 50 of them.
Anyway...it's another thing you and I have in common. Maybe hungry hearts and souls
express themselves best through words...be it Poetry, Songs etc
I found the Love of God healed me best and loves me most...so, life is good.
Hugs and Joy,
Peggy
Farmgirl #1326
http://ladyinredsite.blogspot.com
Life is too short to knit with ugly yarn!
Leave Your Cares Behind...Join Us On The Porch
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| naturemaiden |
Posted - May 15 2014 : 10:56:29 AM
btw- some info about my writing blog, 'Saratoga Rose'. I was born in Saratoga NY. The title is suppose to symbolize something beautiful that came from something so ugly....this poem will be in my 3rd book which is half done already....
http://saratoga-rose.blogspot.com/ My published books & other writing.
SARATOGA ROSE
In beautiful Saratoga NY,
was a child never meant to be born.
A life created out of lies & sin,
and her mother would never adore.
Her father had a family,
For her he could not take,
he bore no responsibility,
for this life that he had made.
Misdeeds came to create her,
unforeseen and with regret.
Talked into the unwelcomed,
but she will have a purpose.
A purpose set aside for her,
to revive the life within.
Those hurt with deeds of her mother,
her unspeakable acts of sin.
No concern for those in her path,
she'd do what she felt best.
No care for tears or hearts broken,
to satisfy the flesh.
Void of joy & self respect,
forget about anyone else.
How can she feel for anyone,
when she does not love herself?
Her child had grown without the love,
a mother should have gave.
Hateful words and beating fists,
and a life filled with rage.
The day had came when she got away,
from her mother's sinful crimes.
The years before had took their toll,
a new life she'd learn to make.
For some reason unknown till this day,
this girl had survived it all.
Though scars remained she believed one day,
that she would come to know love.
Though her mother threw her away,
like she were nothing more than trash...
In all of this chaos emerged a rose,
like the Phoenix from the ash.
One day this girl had kid's of her own,
and her life was filled with love.
Her life is now beautiful and happy,
...The Saratoga Rose.
http://www.naturemaiden.com/ Handcrafted Soap & Candles
http://modern-day-laura.blogspot.com/ Filled with everything I love!
http://www.thriftyfarmgirl.com/ Vintage Sewing Machine Parts
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| naturemaiden |
Posted - May 15 2014 : 10:54:16 AM
Thank you Peggy. I don't think these 'mothers' realize the damage they do to their children. It's like they are an empty shell. Thank you for that, you brought tears to my eyes...there are too many of us out there.
Hugs to you
Connie
http://www.naturemaiden.com/ Handcrafted Soap & Candles
http://saratoga-rose.blogspot.com/ My published books & other writing.
http://modern-day-laura.blogspot.com/ Filled with everything I love!
http://www.thriftyfarmgirl.com/ Vintage Sewing Machine Parts
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| LadyInRed |
Posted - May 15 2014 : 10:46:51 AM
Connie...it is so sad that your mom gave you away.
But some women should never become mom's.
I have a mom who is not a physically abusive mom
but she really doesn't know how to be a mom.
Life is all about her and nothing about her kids or
her grandkids or great-grandkids.
She lives alone now at 81...dad is dead and my other
two siblings died at age 57 (5 yrs apart)...I am 62
and I live 350 miles away from my mom. I make myself
call her once a week...but she never lets me talk she
always talks over me. She is a disinterested listener.
She is lonely but has brought it all on herself...so I
find it hard to be too compassionate. I love her because
she is my mom but I have very little respect for her.
It sounds like you did what I did with my kids...I loved them
to pieces and was thrilled to be a mother and now a Grandmother.
My Grand-children think I am the FUN Grandma and we love each
other to pieces. My mom has no relationship with her grandkids.
And it isn't because my kids haven't tried...she just makes
no effort at all.
It is all so sad...but only because she has no one to blame but
herself.
I loved your poem. Keep your Loving heart Open dear farmgirl...
and your children will rise up to call you "Blessed"...as Iam
sure they already do.
Love and Hugs,
Peggy
Farmgirl #1326
http://ladyinredsite.blogspot.com
Life is too short to knit with ugly yarn!
Leave Your Cares Behind...Join Us On The Porch
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| naturemaiden |
Posted - May 15 2014 : 10:05:25 AM
thanks Kelly, I sure do feel blessed
http://www.naturemaiden.com/ Handcrafted Soap & Candles
http://saratoga-rose.blogspot.com/ My published books & other writing.
http://modern-day-laura.blogspot.com/ Filled with everything I love!
http://www.thriftyfarmgirl.com/ Vintage Sewing Machine Parts
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| lovinRchickens |
Posted - May 15 2014 : 09:59:56 AM
Connie
I think your poem is so well written. I am so sorry for your rough start in life. But your outcome sure is a positive one. Your boys are blessed to have you.
Farmgirl #5111
Blessings
~Kelly~ |
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