| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| LuckyMommyof5 |
Posted - Dec 04 2013 : 3:22:57 PM
I'm having a "friend" issue and just wanted some Farmgirl opinions on it. Here goes:
I have a mom friend whose two children are the same ages as my two oldest and we've known each other for a number of years now. We've always gotten on well, but she has started doing something that really bothers me - and makes me uncomfortable.
I feel like she keeps trying to put me on the spot to buy things from her!
For example, about two years ago we were standing in her backyard with our kids and she mentioned that she was intending on getting rid of the old playhouse they had out there. I said, "Oh, are you going to pitch it or sell it?" And she jumped right on that and said, "YOU could buy it off of us!! I'd only charge you $95!" UGH! Trust me, this playhouse was completely bleached by the sun, had a roof half caved in and a wall that was at an angle - I couldn't believe anyone in their right mind would pay more than $5 or $10 at a yard sale for it. When she saw my hesitation she got a little huffy and said, "OK, $90...we paid $120 five years ago!" I politely declined, but I could tell she was miffed (they ended up throwing it out, which was honestly where it belonged!)
I tried to forget it, but then about 6 months after that she called me up and told me her husband wanted to upgrade his computer and would we be interested in buying his 4-year-old one for $600!! You can buy a new IPad for that much! Why on earth would someone try to rook a friend like that asking for an inflated price on a used, out-of-date laptop? Again, I declined (which she seemed really upset about) and tried to forget about it. Only long story short, she kept trying it - attempting to sell me everything from her old vacuum to her used major appliances at completely outrageous prices!
This all culminated in an incident a little while ago where she called and told me she had cleaned out her basement and had some preschool toys she obviously no longer needed and wanted to bring them over for my youngest (who is 3). When she arrived, she handed the storage bins to me daughter, who opened them, loved all of it and started happily playing. I said, "Wow! Thanks so much! She loves all of this!" Without missing a beat my friend said, "And I only want $40 for all this...total bargain, right?" I was utterly shocked - and speechless. Why would you drive used toys over to your friend's house - completely unasked - give them to a child and THEN ask for payment. I was blindsided and, stupidly, gave her the money! I didn't know what else to do - I couldn't take the toys my daughter was excitedly playing with away right after I told her they were all for her, and I could tell my "friend" wasn't going to leave without getting payment.
Now, she and her husband both have full time (well-paying) jobs and half as many children as we do, and my husband is the sole breadwinner so I can stay home and homeschool our girls, so they can't possibly think we have more disposable income than they do! Plus, they are always going on pricey vacations, leasing new cars and buying expensive things (like new gaming systems and flat screen tvs), so they must have solid income.
I cooled our friendship after the toy incident and didn't hear from her for awhile, but now she's emailing, texting and calling me again about getting together. Part of me feels guilty for really not wanting to open that door again, and I question how good of friends we could have been in the first place for her to do that.
Any thoughts or opinions? Has anyone experienced anything like this before?
Farmgirl Sister #3243
"The real things haven't changed. It is still best to be honest and truthful; to make the most of what we have; to be happy with simple pleasures; and have courage when things go wrong." - Laura Ingalls Wilder |
| 23 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| queenmushroom |
Posted - Dec 21 2013 : 08:16:23 AM
They could be having it hard financially but are in willing to face the facts. Ask her if she'd like to have a yard sale and if she's agreeable help her with it. Granted it's junky stuff but might generate some much needed cash for them. I know of people who make good money but spend like it's going out of style. There's a need that's not being met (emotionallly,mentally, finanancially,etc) so they spend for that temporary high.
Patience is worth a bushel of brains...from a chinese fortune cookie |
| LuckyMommyof5 |
Posted - Dec 20 2013 : 06:30:20 AM
Heather - I totally agree with you about people "overvaluing" their used items for sale! It's like an epidemic. I used to try and hit yard/garage/church sales to get what I thought would be good deals on used toys (especially outdoor ones, because I knew they would end up trashed anyway) for my girls and I often couldn't believe the prices - it would be the same as buying it new OR sometimes even more! I once went to a yard sale where a woman was asking $75 for an old, warped plastic turtle sandbox I had just seen on sale at a toy store for $69 new! And she wouldn't even negotiate, so I passed. I onve went to another yard sale where a woman had a ton of Barbies on a table - they were not Collector's items, did not have boxes and none of them even had shoes and she wanted $20 a piece for them! You can buy a "standard" Barbie on sale at Target for $15!
I don't know how people can be this "clueless" as you put it. But, I think it's really heinous when someone calling themselves your "friend" tries to pull this. I would think for a "friend" you would try really hard to give them a low price.
Farmgirl Sister #3243
"The real things haven't changed. It is still best to be honest and truthful; to make the most of what we have; to be happy with simple pleasures; and have courage when things go wrong." - Laura Ingalls Wilder
"A [wo]man is rich in proportion to the number of things which [s]he can afford to let alone." - Henry David Thoreau |
| MagnoliaWhisper |
Posted - Dec 19 2013 : 8:18:48 PM
I probably wouldn't persue this friendship either.
At the same time, I don't know if it's really a mental problem, as much as just clueless.
I recently joined a facebook group, of local people in my town to sell stuff. And people are evaluating their junk the same way! I see children's toys (used, and fairly reasonably price ranges NEW!) for what I literally could buy NEW at the store with out coupons or sales, with coupons or sales I could get it cheaper NEW at the store. Thing after thing on this list, children's used clothing too! I'm about ready to leave the FB group cause that's totally useless! I really am not understanding how people can think that a 3 year old used toy is worth 40-90 bucks! Oh a stroller-170...listed they paid 200 3 years ago for it new....um....so it only lost 30 dollars of value? REALLY???? WEIRDOS! I don't know if they are actually getting buyers or not, but I'm not biting!
http://www.heathersprairie.blogspot.com |
| LuckyMommyof5 |
Posted - Dec 13 2013 : 6:09:47 PM
Thanks for all the continued support in my having this dilemma. I really do think it's time to call it a day on this "friendship." I think if you can't trust a person you thought was a friend, or feel uncomfortable with something they are doing, you really have to question if it's healthy to continue to try and have a relationship.
Again, I'm going to pray for her, but I just don't think I can have her in my life.
Farmgirl Sister #3243
"The real things haven't changed. It is still best to be honest and truthful; to make the most of what we have; to be happy with simple pleasures; and have courage when things go wrong." - Laura Ingalls Wilder
"A [wo]man is rich in proportion to the number of things which [s]he can afford to let alone." - Henry David Thoreau |
| marlee |
Posted - Dec 13 2013 : 4:50:30 PM
That is horrible. I would have said to my daughter pick out one toy because the rest goes to other children. Then picked up the bins go out sit them by her car and I am sure she would follow you hand her a quarter and tell her never to do that again.
There is something going on and it does sound financial. But manipulating you was just awful. And using your daughter was a whole new level of low. Suzanne I have you in my thoughts and prayers. All of us sisters are here for you if you need anything.
Hugs Marlee
God is the painter, he paints the picture. And his son builds it, for he is the Master Carpenter!
Silly Boys Trucks Are For Girls |
| Ninibini |
Posted - Dec 13 2013 : 10:36:33 AM
I love how Marie would respond to the situation... But I agree, she isn't being much of a friend. Maybe it's not so much that she doesn't care how you feel, maybe she just doesn't know how to BE a friend... Just remember Suzanne, it's okay to flat out say, "No." Lesson learned, especially, with what she pulled with your daughter - that was terrible! What a position she put you in! She needs to know you will not tolerate that in any way from now on. Some people are just so out of touch. Nichole is right: with some people you just have to define the parameters. Then again, if you feel you just want no part of her, it's okay to bow out of the relationship, too. You just need to do whatever is best for you and your family, and be at peace with it - because you and your family are who really matter. :)
Hugs -
Nini
Farmgirl Sister #1974
God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!
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| texdane |
Posted - Dec 13 2013 : 10:06:16 AM
Ugh. That behavior is not being a friend. Nip it in the bud. Tell her no when she wants to sell something. I wouldn't want a friend like that. If you want to keep the friendship at all, next time, flatly tell her right off you are not interested, get an eBay account. The thing is, someone like that will continue her behavior unless you tell her no. How uncomfortable you must have been with those toys! Reading that got my feathers ruffled!
Nicole
Farmgirl Sister #1155
KNITTER, JAM-MAKER AND MOM EXTRAORDINAIRE
Chapter Leader, Connecticut Simpler Life Sisters
Farmgirl of the Month, January 2013
Suburban Farmgirl Blogger
http://sfgblog.maryjanesfarm.org/ |
| Kirksmom71 |
Posted - Dec 12 2013 : 7:05:25 PM
Prayers good! Relationship TOXIC! Let it go by the wayside!
My best to all,
Mel
Sassy City Girl with Farmgirl Fantasies! |
| LuckyMommyof5 |
Posted - Dec 08 2013 : 7:38:34 PM
I think there may be a bigger problem, but on further reflection I think it may be financial. This person and her husband spend like they've won the lottery and I'm starting to think they may have been helping to fund this by trying to hustle money off others. I don't really know any of her friends, but I have begun to believe if she did this with me, she probably was doing it to others. I just don't think I can go there - but I'm going to pray for her.
Farmgirl Sister #3243
"The real things haven't changed. It is still best to be honest and truthful; to make the most of what we have; to be happy with simple pleasures; and have courage when things go wrong." - Laura Ingalls Wilder
"A [wo]man is rich in proportion to the number of things which [s]he can afford to let alone." - Henry David Thoreau |
| Rosemary |
Posted - Dec 08 2013 : 7:24:36 PM
Marie, I share your concern. There's something seriously wrong going on there. I think the behavior Suzanne has encountered is just a symptom of a big problem. |
| churunga |
Posted - Dec 08 2013 : 6:58:47 PM
I cannot help worrying that your friend might be in some kind of real trouble and may need help or just someone to talk to. Perhaps it will be good to cool it for a while and check in on her after the holidays.
Marie, Sister #5142
Try everything once and the fun things twice. |
| LuckyMommyof5 |
Posted - Dec 08 2013 : 4:54:04 PM
Actually, we don't really have any friends in common and she hasn't responded to the return email I sent outlining why I had let our friendship lapse.
And I have to admit I wondered if she was emailing me again because she wanted to sell something else...maybe now that she knows I will NEVER be interested she won't be contacting me again.
You are all right - I need to put my energy into REAL friends.
Farmgirl Sister #3243
"The real things haven't changed. It is still best to be honest and truthful; to make the most of what we have; to be happy with simple pleasures; and have courage when things go wrong." - Laura Ingalls Wilder |
| AmethystRose |
Posted - Dec 08 2013 : 08:49:20 AM
Maybe she is trying to contact you because she has something for sale.
Is there a third party that you could speak to, as in "I haven't seen____ for a while, how is she doing?"
This might be how she finances her vacations, hitting on "friends" who are too astonished. |
| Rosemary |
Posted - Dec 05 2013 : 8:24:10 PM
I've given this some thought since my original post and I really think this woman has a personality disorder of some kind. Do you know anyone in her family that you might talk to? They may not be aware of her behavior. Or maybe they suspect something and your report could be what prompts them to get her some help. The two things that make me think this is a mental health situation is her inflated valuation of junk and her apparent inability to "read" the social cues you've been giving her that her sales pitches are unwelcome.
Tough spot to be in. I'm sure you'll do the right thing. |
| LuckyMommyof5 |
Posted - Dec 05 2013 : 7:55:48 PM
I think you're right, Marie. When I email back I'll just pluck up my courage and tell her flat out. Maybe she doesn't realize how inappropriate her actions were, or IF she does know, then she will realize that I'm not dealing with it anymore and will lose interest.
Farmgirl Sister #3243
"The real things haven't changed. It is still best to be honest and truthful; to make the most of what we have; to be happy with simple pleasures; and have courage when things go wrong." - Laura Ingalls Wilder |
| churunga |
Posted - Dec 05 2013 : 7:48:46 PM
Suzanne,
Level with her now. It is the right thing to do. That way you both will know where you stand.
Marie, Sister #5142
Try everything once and the fun things twice. |
| LuckyMommyof5 |
Posted - Dec 05 2013 : 6:53:16 PM
I am really relieved that everyone else found this as odd and uncomfortable as I did - I was starting to worry that maybe I was being too sensitive or judgemental. I really don't want to be in a friendship where I feel uncomfortable for any reason - that's just not what a friendship is for. I think I may just keep things cooled off for awhile. I don't want to keep being a target for her aggressive "sales pitches." If she really keeps trying to get in touch with me again, I think I really will level with her and tell her how her behavior ruined the friendship for me.
Farmgirl Sister #3243
"The real things haven't changed. It is still best to be honest and truthful; to make the most of what we have; to be happy with simple pleasures; and have courage when things go wrong." - Laura Ingalls Wilder |
| LadyInRed |
Posted - Dec 04 2013 : 7:54:30 PM
You Need A New Friend! This gal is really no friend at all. Friends don't treat friends like that.
Move on and find a true friend...THEY'RE PRICELESS...in more ways than one.
Farmgirl Hugs,
Peggy
Farmgirl #1326
http://ladyinredsite.blogspot.com
"Leave Your Cares Behind...Join Us On The Porch"
"I'm only as strong as the caffeine I drink, the hair-spray I use and the Girlfriends that I have."
"Believe in yourself and let the glitter fly!" P.Smith Mail Art Hostess |
| prariehawk |
Posted - Dec 04 2013 : 5:58:02 PM
I would say this "friend" is using you. In some strange way, she sees you as an extension of herself--she may really believe that you want what SHE has, so much so that you'd be willing to pay for it. It is weird, and I don't know if I'd try to get to the bottom of it. The human psyche can get pretty muddy. You can pray for her, but as has been said, protect your boundaries.
Cindy
"Vast floods can't quench love, no matter what love did/ Rivers can't drown love, no matter where love's hid"--Sinead O'Connor
"In many ways, you don't just live in the country, it lives inside you"--Ellen Eilers
Visit my blog at http://www.farmerinthebelle.blogspot.com/ |
| Okie Farm Girl |
Posted - Dec 04 2013 : 5:29:14 PM
Wow. That IS weird. I'm not sure I would call this a friendship either!! I like Maria's response. I have to agree. Just remember that you don't have to try to please her or keep her from not liking your or keeping her from being mad. You just do what is right for your family, be firm but kind and be honest. Honest is always the best policy!! :-)
Mary Beth
www.OklahomaPastryCloth.com
www.Oklahomapastrycloth.com/blog
The Sovereign Lord is my strength - Habakkuk 3:19 |
| churunga |
Posted - Dec 04 2013 : 4:59:04 PM
Here is what I would do.
Meet her for coffee or whatever and make it clear that you will pay for yourself and not her. Tell her something like "I am confused why you ask me to buy things from you that I don't want. Is there something going on?" Then, listen to her. She and her husband may be in financial trouble or she may be saving/gathering money for a purpose of her own. Act on the information or not as the circumstance requires.
You are correct in not wanting to open the door to the previous behavior at the same time this woman and/or her family may need help. Make it absolutely what the boundaries are i.e. you will not buy any of her junk anymore no matter how she pleads. Let her know, if you want, that you will help her in any way you reasonably can. If she persists in asking you to do something you do not want to do, tell her that your friendship is at an end. It is harsh but necessary. You have to take care of yourself first.
Marie, Sister #5142
Try everything once and the fun things twice. |
| Rosemary |
Posted - Dec 04 2013 : 4:03:11 PM
This "friend" -- and I use the term advisedly -- might appreciate hearing about Craigslist, or a local consignment shop where she could either actually sell her stuff or (at least) get an idea of what it's really worth. You could also suggest that she might want to make a list of all the things she wants to get rid of and donate them to Goodwill or some other bona fide charity, for the tax deduction. These would be useful, helpful suggestions. If she objects, I'd say you've got a troubled person on your hands. You can continue to be her friend, knowing that she's going to be a pain in the patoot, or you can gently extricate yourself from this relationship. Could be all this "selling stuff" business is just a ploy to get attention, to get help. Wouldn't hurt to ask her what's going on behind the scenes. Maybe she's desperately trying to raise money to get away from an abuser who has a tight grip on the family pursestrings or something like that. You really never know.
ps: They might not be on such solid financial footing as you think. Routinely throwing money around on luxuries can get you pretty deep in debt. |
| sjmjgirl |
Posted - Dec 04 2013 : 4:02:02 PM
I can see why you were so uncomfortable! What she is doing is outrageous. Is the friendship worth the hassle? Honestly, I'm not sure I would continue the friendship myself. If she asks any questions, then I would explain why.
Farmgirl Sister # 3810
Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
- Dalai Lama
April is Autism Awareness month. Autism affects 1 in 88 children (1 in 54 boys, including my son). Go to http://www.autismspeaks.org/ to learn more and help Light It Up Blue on April 2nd!
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