| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| Tea Lady |
Posted - Mar 11 2012 : 06:28:08 AM
I received this in an email - had to share it with all of you. Too funny and oh, so true.
When I was a child in the 1950s, the bathing suit for the mature figure was boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift, and they did a good job. Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip.
The mature woman has a choice, she can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus that escaped from Disney's Fantasia, or she can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent rubber bands.
What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which gives the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you would be protected from shark attacks. Any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.
I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place I gasped in horror, my boobs had disappeared!
Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib.
The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment. The bathing suit fitted all right, but unfortunately it only fitted those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom and sides. I looked like a lump of Playdoh wearing undersized cling wrap. As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, "Oh, there you are," she said, admiring the bathing suit.
I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me. I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two-piece that gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serving ring.
I struggled into a pair of leopard-skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough day.
I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning.
I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.
Finally, I found a suit that fit, it was a two-piece affair with a shorts-style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured.
When I got it home, I found a label that read, "Material might become transparent in water."
So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this year and I'm there too, I'll be the one in cut-off jeans and a T-shirt!
Lorraine
(aka Tea Lady)
Farmgirl #1819
www.birdsandteas.com |
| 15 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| traildancer |
Posted - Mar 13 2012 : 09:31:48 AM
That is quite funny. Thanks for sharing.
The trail is the thing.... Louis L'Amour |
| texdane |
Posted - Mar 13 2012 : 05:35:50 AM
Soo funny! Thanks for sharing!
Nicole
Farmgirl Sister #1155
KNITTER, JAM-MAKER AND MOM EXTRAORDINAIRE
Chapter Leader, Connecticut Simpler Life Sisters
Suburban Farmgirl Blogger
http://sfgblog.maryjanesfarm.org/ |
| katmom |
Posted - Mar 12 2012 : 9:45:33 PM
Oh My Gosh.... that was ha-lar-i-ous!!!! thanx for the giggle!
>^..^<
Happiness is being a katmom.
"Is it time for my Dirt Manicure yet!"
www.katmom4.blogspot.com & http://www.graciesvictorianrose.blogspot.com
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| Dusky Beauty |
Posted - Mar 12 2012 : 8:45:29 PM
Haha! I love stories like this... Reminds me of good ole Erma. And for the gals that have this complaint... I recommend Miraclesuits :)
~*~ http://silverstarfamilyfarm.blogspot.com/ ~*~
“When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me.”
~Erma Bombeck |
| FARMALLChick |
Posted - Mar 12 2012 : 1:59:18 PM
tee hee - masking tape - tee hee!
Lora
If it ain't red, leave it in the shed.
www.CountryFriedAcres.etsy.com
www.farmallchick.blogspot.com
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| Debra B |
Posted - Mar 12 2012 : 02:12:29 AM
My 19yo walked by and asked what was so hysterical! I told him he wouldn't understand.
Debra
Homeschooling mom to 6 beautiful blessings
Pastor Joe's wife |
| melanie47601 |
Posted - Mar 11 2012 : 6:44:32 PM
My dd thinks I'm nuts. She can't figure out why I'm in tears laughing at the computer LOL! This fits me to a tee!!!
Hugs~ Melanie
Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning the devil says "Oh Crap, She's up!"
Blog~ http://wheelsarealwaysturning.blogspot.com/ Etsy~http://www.etsy.com/shop/theflourishingfinch
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| marlee |
Posted - Mar 11 2012 : 3:16:08 PM
LOL I like the part where her boobs disappeared that's a Hoot!--Marlee
God is the painter, he paints the picture. And his son builds it, for he is the Master Carpenter! |
| Tea Lady |
Posted - Mar 11 2012 : 3:11:58 PM
Its healthy to be able to laugh at situations like this - because it makes you feel worse if you cry!
Lorraine
(aka Tea Lady)
Farmgirl #1819
www.birdsandteas.com |
| LadyInRed |
Posted - Mar 11 2012 : 2:57:34 PM
I am the Author of that Story! NOT REALLY but if you saw me in a swim-suit you would think
I was. lol I laughed so hard over her fabulous sense of humor...but is pathicaly too true.
I copied it and shared it with my girlfriends...we've all had that conversation before about
shopping for swim-suits.
blessings,
peggy
Farmgirl #1326
http://ladyinredsite.blogspot.com
"Leave Your Cares Behind...Join Us On The Porch"
"I'm only as strong as the caffeine I drink, the hair-spray I use and the Girlfriends that I have."
When I was a lonely wallflower, Jesus asked me to dance. Then he asked me to be His! |
| rough start farmgirl |
Posted - Mar 11 2012 : 2:27:55 PM
really enjoyed that, thanks!
marianne |
| GirlwithHook |
Posted - Mar 11 2012 : 09:44:37 AM
*giggle giggle giggle* Shark...whiplash.... *falls off stool*
A hook, a book, and a good cup of coffee.... |
| Bear5 |
Posted - Mar 11 2012 : 09:02:50 AM
That was so funny! I believe every word! Thanks for sharing.
Marly
"It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up- that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had." Elisabeth Kurler-Ross |
| Tea Lady |
Posted - Mar 11 2012 : 08:33:00 AM
I thought the comment about the shark was funny too. I also like her descriptions of how she looked, "a jellyfish in mourning!" I have a suit that has the little skirt - its 10 years old and I've only wore it twice!
Lorraine
(aka Tea Lady)
Farmgirl #1819
www.birdsandteas.com |
| kristin sherrill |
Posted - Mar 11 2012 : 07:25:07 AM
This is exactly why I have not had a bathing suit on in about 30 years. That is hilarious! I love the part about the shark getting whiplash and the boobs. Too funny!
Kris
Happiness is simple. |
