| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| melody |
Posted - Aug 29 2011 : 08:40:30 AM
Just found out recently that my DS's newest female "best friend" happens to be 20 and will be 21 very soon. My son just turned 15 in April.
I am very uncomfortable about this latest discovery of the vast age difference and the fact that it is not as innocent as my DS is insisting this relationship is.
This is tricky for me because as you know the minute you say to a kid you can't do this what does he do? He does it anyway...
She heads to out to school in a few short days quite a distance from where we live. Should I just let sleeping dogs lie? Or intercede?
Melody
Farmgirl #525
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| 13 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| FarmDream |
Posted - Aug 30 2011 : 09:55:00 AM
"I think girls with low self esteems try to paint themselves as exotic worldly women who will be worshiped by younger beaus because they dont have the self confidence to go after someone their own age."
Nicely summed up. The "women" have a sense of power. Another problem with her turning 21 is her ability to buy alcohol.
~FarmDream is Farmgirl Sister #3069
Live Today, Cherish Yesterday, Dream Tomorrow
http://naturaljulie.etsy.com
http://julie-rants.blogspot.com |
| emsmommy5 |
Posted - Aug 30 2011 : 09:28:53 AM
It's statutory rape and she can go to jail. Especially if he says she is the one pursuing it and he's not wanting it. I'd be very upfront and make it clear you will get the authorities involved if it doesn't stop immediately. Sometimes we have to take a hard line, even if DS is crushing, he's risking her being jailed. Hopefully it will go away on it's own. =)
Do what you love, love what you do. |
| LuckyMommyof5 |
Posted - Aug 30 2011 : 06:33:16 AM
I know I am coming into this discussion late, but I agree with everyone else. There is no reason whatsoever that a 20-something should have any romantic dealings with someone under the age of 18. If she's gone, then good - make sure your son has little contact with her and gets involved (heavily) in activities with kids his own age. When she comes back from school, she's not welcome in your home and has no business having contact with your son until he is 18. If she resists, talk to her family. I'm sure they would not approve and may be able to talk some sense into her.
Just make sure this gets nipped in the bud. When I was a teenager, a 14-year-old male friend of mine was pursued by and dated a 19 yo neighbor girl. His parents seemed to think it was a total lark and nothing to worry about, since he was a boy. They became "intimate" very quickly, and still his parents thought nothing of it. My friend was completely in love with this older girl to the point of obsession because on the surface being with her was "fabulous" - she had a car, went to a local college, had money for them to go out and was willing to be "intimate" with him all the time. A year later, she got bored with him, decided to transfer to an out-of-state school, dropped him like a hot rock and never looked back. My friend became so depressed he dropped out of every school activity he was in and could barely get up in the morning for classes. He started dressing "goth" and shunning all of his friends. When he was around us he talked non-stop about this girl and wanting to get her back - he even went so far as to steal his dad's car one weekend and attempted to drive to her college (he was thankfully stopped by highway patrol before he got there). He ended up also ditching his school work and had to repeat a grade. It was awful. I realize now (as a grown-up) that this girl (who was an adult) took advantage of him and made him think she really cared about him, but she was just using him to boost her own ego. Only, she walked away from it and didn't care - and he, being a child, suffered the emotional damage from the victimization for a long time afterward. Having seen it happen firsthand, it always upsets me when people "snicker" at a situation like this because they think male minors cannot be victimized by older women.
Farmgirl Sister #3243
"The real things haven't changed. It is still best to be honest and truthful; to make the most of what we have; to be happy with simple pleasures; and have courage when things go wrong." - Laura Ingalls Wilder |
| melody |
Posted - Aug 29 2011 : 8:06:16 PM
Jen,
I think you're right about girls with low self esteem. We do know this girl, just wasn't sure of her age until this weekend. She's been to the house (with us) several times. And, it's an equal crush, but DS insists that she is the one who is pursuing this. DH told DS to end it now so we will see what happens in the next couple of days. Oh...she has left for college so I am hoping it's the end of this. If not, I will talk directly to her.
Thank you ladies for all of the advice!
Melody
Farmgirl #525 |
| laurentany |
Posted - Aug 29 2011 : 7:52:23 PM
Oh Melody....my heart goes out to you! If she is leaving for school I would just watch the situation over the next few days. I agree with checking up on his phone/computer etc. Hopefully when she get to school she will find a whole "new" batch of fish in the sea and will "forget" all about your little boy!!! I can not possibly see what an almost 21 year old girl would see in a 15 year old boy--something does not sound right here. Keep your eyes on this one and your ears fine tuned. If she were not leaving in a few days then I would say to intervene- but given that fact I would let it ride for the short time. Praying for you and your son!
Hugs,
~Laurie
"Little Hen House on the Island"
Farmgirl Sister#1403
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.. |
| Dusky Beauty |
Posted - Aug 29 2011 : 5:30:54 PM
You're right to worry, I've heard from every single young-young man I've ever known who became "close" or dated a girl 18+ that she wanted to get intimate very early, and when the boys I knew refused, the woman dumped them and broke their heart.
This has happened in my social circle no less than 5 times to different boys who were friends to me growing up... work and church associates, and friend's sons. I think girls with low self esteems try to paint themselves as exotic worldly women who will be worshiped by younger beaus because they dont have the self confidence to go after someone their own age.
That said.... You're positive that this crush isn't just one sided, right?
"The greatness of a nation and it's moral progress can be judged by the way it's animals are treated." ~Gandhi
http://silvermoonfarm.blogspot.com/
"After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.” ~Will Rogers |
| paradiseplantation |
Posted - Aug 29 2011 : 1:55:28 PM
I echo Annika on this one. I think you might just want to pay this young lady a visit. Nope. But you know me well enough to know I would be having a nice little sit down with her. Very unconfrontational, of course......
from the hearts of paradise...
1Thess. 4:11 |
| ellimae |
Posted - Aug 29 2011 : 12:23:02 PM
I agree with Jonni, My son then 16 had a girl friend 22, and it wore off fast, play it by ear and keep communication lines open to him
Do as the farmgals do! |
| Annika |
Posted - Aug 29 2011 : 10:32:57 AM
Wow... There is a lot of developmental difference between a 15 year old boy and a 21 year old woman. Personally, it's kind of icky-creepy. This young woman should stop praying on boys. I wouldn't come out and forbid him from seeing her, because he will likely be very resentful and do exactly what you don't want him to do. But a discrete call or visit to the gi8rl and perhaps her parents concerning sex with a minor may be a good idea.
You are in my thoughts and I'm wishing you the best in this awkward situation.
Hugs
Annika
Farmgirl & sister #13
Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication. ~Leonardo DaVinci
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| CMac |
Posted - Aug 29 2011 : 10:09:35 AM
Glad she is going to school soon. I'd be tempted to take the family on a trip till she is gone! It is a passing relationship but the consequences can be lasting. No matter the age of the girl be sure your son knows to practice safe sex. Getting a girl pregnant is not the worst that can happen to him. Honestly the only thing these two can have in common is sex. He is "safe" and non threatening to her as she is most likely an insecure person. He of course is happy with the attention and the fringe benefits. What 15 year old male wouldn't be?
Gone to school does not mean what it used to mean back in the day. She will be just a key stroke away. Watch his computer and phone use. If it continues after she leaves you may need to intervene. If the relationship is consuming most of his time and thoughts he will miss out on an important period of development in his age group. When it is over he will find himself very alone and may have difficulty relating to his age group. That would be a very hard place to be in high school.
As Judy said get him involved in age appropriate activities with his peers and keep him busy.
You may need to talk with her parents if it does not stop or if you think it is an issue. She may be an adult but she is still her parents child and most likely they are still in that role if she is a student. I'l bet they do not know he is 15 if they know about him at all.
Please be clear. This is abuse. Not intervening may be best for your son. You are right about the allure of the forbidden. Only you know him well enough to make that decision. I would how ever consider counseling. But be aware he does not think he was abused. Perhaps when it is over the counseling could be provided ( disguised) as a way to cope with that.
Keeping him in my thoughts and you too.
Connie
"I have three chairs in my house: one for solitude, two for friendship, three for company."
Author: Henry David Thoreau |
| Farmer Judy |
Posted - Aug 29 2011 : 09:38:55 AM
I agree with Jonni, play it by ear. Hopefully she will get distracted when she goes back to school and possibly your DS will find a girl at school in the meantime. encourage your DS to participate in school stuff and he will more likely meet more girls and see what he is missing. I just don't get what normal 20/21 year old would see in a 15 year old. I have a 15 year old DS too and he is just too immature to deal with an adult and have them not get annoyed with his teen age antics.
Good Luck
God bless,
Judy
Born a city girl but a farm girl at heart!
http://farmtimes.blogspot.com/ |
| nabrown42 |
Posted - Aug 29 2011 : 09:27:45 AM
Wow...there are stories like this in the news lately about abuse of a minor male. She is considered an adult at 18 but your son is still a minor. This is a very sticky situation. I don't think you need to throw those facts up in their faces but be aware that there could be consequences of such a relationship. Personally, I'd try to keep my cool and even try to meet her but I'd also be praying that the next few days go quickly Good luck.
"I've wept in the night for the shortness of sight that to someone's needs I've been blind; but I've yet to feel a twinge of regret for being a little too kind." |
| FebruaryViolet |
Posted - Aug 29 2011 : 08:49:37 AM
So, she's leaving? Let's hope they agree to be "long distance friends"...and honestly, I'm sure your kiddo is awesome, but what kind of 20 year old girl hangs with a 15 year old boy? Here's hoping that she finds someone her age at college...
I would just play it by ear right now, Melody--if she's leaving, she's only likely to see him when she comes back on break.
Musings from our family in the Bluegrass http://sweetvioletmae.blogspot.com/ |
