| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| ashcordes |
Posted - Jul 31 2006 : 12:56:42 PM
I am trying to save as much money as I can so I can pay off debt and become a stay at home mom. The problem I have is the "I Want" syndrome. I feel like I have to have clothes that are stylish, and give my daughter all the newest best toys. How do you get out of these feelings? How do you feel content with what you have? I always get stuck in the "I work, so I deserve something for myself" or "I work so I need to buy toys for my daughter to make up for the lost time".
How do you stay content with what you have?
Help!!!! |
| 20 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| daffodil dreamer |
Posted - Aug 10 2006 : 6:15:29 PM
Ashley,
I hope all is going well with you. I understand how you feel. I'm in a different situation, in that I am a stay at home mum. We moved far away from family and friends for my husband's work, so I was spending money thinking I deserve this as I am away from everyone, feeling lonely and my husband is always at work. A bit of a pick me up, I guess. Then I would feel guilty about it.
Have you read a book called Your Money or Your Life? I read that and the penny dropped. Basically, it equates everything you spend with how much time out of your life you needed to work to earn that money. So when you go to the shops and pick up a skirt or whatever, you think to yourself is it really worth it to me to spend this money which took me two hours to earn? We all have only a limited time on this earth and we all have to decide how much of it we want to spend to pay for 'stuff' that we may never have really needed in the first place. After a while, it just becomes habit and it is amazing how much easier it is to resist spending when you equate it to how much time you spend at work away from your family (as that is who you are doing it for after all).
Other than that, there are heaps of other great ideas that have been posted. I hope you are still checking back here as all the girls only have each other's best interests at heart and were offering advice with the best intentions.
Best wishes and keep dreaming,
Jayne |
| LJRphoto |
Posted - Aug 10 2006 : 3:39:21 PM
Ashley, I know how you feel. I have that "I want" syndrome too and I think that we get sucked in by a lot of the things already mentioned here. We live in a very consumerist society and we are trained that we will feel better about ourselves or be more attractive to others if we only had X or Z or Y. It's taken me a long time to learn that the thing that I think will make me happier or cooler or whatever never really does. I'm just me even after I have those things. I'm still working at liking myself better so that I don't get sucked into that mindset as easily. I'm finding that people still like me when I push myself to be more outgoing and really be myself even when I don't look just so and don't feel so confident.
I don't think that people were trying to be mean in their responses but money and motherhood are very emotional topics and I understand why you read it the way you did. It's hard not to be defensive on either of those things when we don't feel happy about where we are in life. Sometimes almost anything someone can say to me when trying to be helpful can feel like being poked with a stick.
"I would feel more optimistic about a bright future for man if he spent less time proving that he can outwit Nature and more time tasting her sweetness and respecting her seniority." -E. B. White
http://www.betweenthecities.com/blog/ljr/
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| sunshine |
Posted - Aug 10 2006 : 3:18:43 PM
to ashcordes
I was wondering how you were doing with this. I hope you are ok. take care sunshine
have a lovely day and may God bless you and keep you safe
http://sunshinescreations.blogspot.com/
http://sunshine.harbaugh.googlepages.com/home |
| sillyfoulks |
Posted - Aug 02 2006 : 08:29:23 AM
My post had gotten quite long, but there was a few more things I wanted to say.
It is my opinoin that as a society, we are trained that being in debt is they way it is supposed to be. Look at the commericials on the TV. They advertise cars, big screened TV's and Refinance loans, you have furniture stores, and computer systems. These are all things people generally buy on credit. Drive down your typicall street in America, what do you see? New cars, big houses, and boats. Living on credit is shoved down our throats, it is what is expected of us.
When I said it was liberating, that doesn't even really explain it well. It brings a sense of pride, to know what you have is yours, it is paid for. You look at everything in a new light. You have a sense of freedom.
When the "I wants" hit me, I think about all those people who seemed to have everything that I want. And I remember, that what we have we paid for, that we owe no one anything. Then I think about the stress they must be feeling to pay for it all. I then the "I wants" are gone!
I don't want those things if it means that I will be in debt again.
Elizabeth
http://livingcountrystyle.blogspot.com/ |
| sillyfoulks |
Posted - Aug 02 2006 : 07:54:04 AM
It took me and DH a while to realize that being in debt wasn't a good think, and then to dig ourselves out. Here are some of my tips.
Don't buy anything on credit anymore. Don't carry them with you. The only time we carry a card is when we are traveling outside our living area (beyond 2 hrs.). We use cash for everything possible except, bills, groceries (becuase i almost never carry that much), and DH's gas for work. I never carry more then $20.00 or $30.00, unless I know I will need more, like when x-mas shopping. I don't even write checks when out of our little town. Not at walmart, or the mall, it is always cash, when I am out I am done. When the kids are treated to a new toy, they are given a specific amount, sometimes $5, $7, or maybe $10. They have to stick within that amount. We started our youngest on this when she was 4 or 5. If it is really difficult don't take them with you. When it was really tight, we started having "treat day". Every friday, we would go to the ice cream palor for a cone, One scoop only (no sundae). And then stop to rent a movie on the way home. Now that we are completely out of debt, the children have their own money, they earn it for doing good things around the house, and extra work. Our 8 yr old has almost $500. saved and our 11 yr old has $200 hundred saved up. They have rules to follow when they spend it. They can not spend more then $15 unless, it is discussed with mom & dad first. And they can't spend that $15.00 unless it is planned ahead enough to get the cash from the back, or mom has extra on her. I don't buy anything that isn't necessary. They buy all their own toys, batteries, or what ever they are wanting. It may seem a little harsh, but it is amazing what they can do with their money. Our son, bought a TV, a radio, and an entertainment center. He loves gaming and I refuse to pay into it, right now he is saving for a new game system, he even has his own magazine subscriptions. Our 8 yr old is saving for her own computer. I am so proud of them. We are honest with our children, about our money. We tell them when we can't afford something. We tell them because we want to make sure we have what we need we can't rent a movie this week, or because we went on a trip last week, we need to really be careful and only spend the money we need. They understand this.
To help my own spending habits I only do big shopping every once in awhile. Except for 3 specific times of the year, I only take what I need. I shop for clothes only during those 3 times during the year, unless there is a specific need like underwear, or a litte one needs a specific item. If my lists has 2 pairs of shorts, and a package of underware I would only take $50, $15 each for the shorts, $10 for underwear, and $10 just in case. I never pay full price for any clothing, I use sales and clearance racks. When money was really tight I would do just like the kids, allow myself a small amount to spend in anyway I wanted. If you only have $10 to spend you are really going to be carefully, and get the most for your money. To help keep the grocery bill down, I made a game of it. I would try and see how cheap I could feed our family each day. You get creative. I can feed our family for less the $5 a day if I have to. Mind you there is no cookies or ice cream in the budget. But they are getting fed and they aren't hungry.
I think you have to really look at who you are, and how you work. Just because something worked for one person doesn't mean it will work for another. Sometimes, a particular spouse is better and handling money then the other. I admit it is my husband. I carry only 20 or 30 at a time but he has 100 or more in his pocket and a given time. We have 2 accounts, we have one together, this is our savings, he keeps this check book and debit card, and it is in a different town. The second one is in his name only he carries the debit card, i carry the check book. I have always 2 checks signed one for cashing at the bank, one for the grocery store. I am weak, this works for us. If I really need the money I have it, but it keeps it from being quite so handy.
You must find what works for you. But let me tell you, there is something very liberating about be financially sound. You can really enjoy your life once you stop letting the money control you.
Elizabeth
http://livingcountrystyle.blogspot.com/ |
| katiedid |
Posted - Aug 02 2006 : 07:00:07 AM
Ashley~
I know what you mean...thinking that you work hard and deserve something new....I used to be so bad about that, and my kids too. The biggest thing I did was stop with comparisions. I also limited TV time, my girls would watch Nickelodian or Cartoon Net and ask for everything they saw on commercials!!
So, If you read magazines that show the latest fashions, or show pictures of all the Hollywood stars, try switching to Mother Earth News, or Natural Home and Garden...
Keep all of the advertising away if you can!
Good luck!
Light and Love to you,
Kate |
| DaisyFarm |
Posted - Aug 01 2006 : 8:09:23 PM
Missy you need to be congratulated, you've obviously raised some mighty fine boys that truly know what's important.
Di |
| lamarguerite farm |
Posted - Aug 01 2006 : 7:13:13 PM
I was just having a conversation with my 7yr old son last night about this sort of thing. My husband has been layed off for a few months and I'm unable to work because of health reasons(which add an extra expense). Anyway, It's gotten to the point that we needed to seek out a food bank for a little help. Christien knows that we are struggling, but also knows that the Lord always provides for our needs. I was talking to him about visiting the food bank today and how it's there to help people who don't have enough money to buy the food that they need. He responded "yeah, we don't have any money, but we have each other and that's the most important ingredient for everything". I could hardly hold the tears back when he said that to me. He was reinstilling in me what I have been teaching him.
I think that children want their parents time an love more than anything. I imagine your daughter gets more enjoyment out of sharing some time with her Mom over those new toys than she does the toys themselves.
We struggled a lot when My oldest boy (who is now 18) was in grade school and I was a single parent. It's because of the struggle that he has a deeper appreciation for what we DO have and even now, rarely ask for much. It's just not that important to him. He is a person of character, compassion and depth. I strongly believe that all of these things come from working for what you have and being allowed to experience difficulties and the ups and downs of life.
Blessings,
Missy
If you have a dream, even if you don't feel qualified to accomplish it, just try your hardest.-Maggie Jensen
http://18happyhens.blogspot.com
http://LamargueriteFarm.etsy.com |
| Phils Ann |
Posted - Aug 01 2006 : 4:33:56 PM
Hi Ashley,
My DH and I both grew up with the teaching that debt is dangerous--You pay so much on interest that the end price is usually extremely high. And in the case of a house, it's not unusual to lose it because of unexpected financial changes. To help you feel like sticking to the spending/repayment plan, why not figure up your interest, add it to the original cost, and then add future interest to see how expensive the total COULD be if you didn't stick to your guns.
We decided early in our marriage that I'd be at home as early as possible, and I determined to be content--or should say learn to be content, because it's not my nature either! I've got all the common desires--love projects, love clothes, want a pretty home, etc. I took knitting classes, upped my sewing skills, and we never ever buy new cars. We were able to pay off our debt in 12 years after getting married and it was a budget scraped to the bone. I admit I wasn't always happy with the "tightness" of it, but I cannot express how grateful I am that we were able to do it. Over the next 10-20 years, you'll see how much less anxiety you have because you aren't hanging over a cliff edge financially.
Finally, I believe children who are able to have their mothers with them are much happier. My mother worked while I was growing up, and I missed her, and did not want whatever goodies she was providing nearly as much as I wanted her. My nieces whose mom worked told me how scared they were when they were home alone as middle school kids. Not everyone is able to stay at home, but if you can....
Hugs!
Ann
There is a Redeemer. |
| ThymeForEweFarm |
Posted - Aug 01 2006 : 2:53:07 PM
We're really not beating up on you. ((hugs)) Let's be fair - you specifically asked how to deal with feelings, not for any how-to's for avoiding spending money. We didn't know you were also looking for ways to avoid spending money. Seeing how rough others have it helped me a lot. I was sincere in my suggestion. 
On consumerism - Here's my rule - I have to love it before I'll buy it. It has to be sturdy and well made. If what I'm considering buying doesn't meet those standards I don't hand over my hard earned cash.
How about setting aside a specific day to buy yourself a well-deserved treat? It will give you something to look forward to and time to put a lot of thought into what you really want, set a spending limit, and do some comparison shopping online. There's nothing wrong with wants. Once a month you get to splurge on a nice ____ . I think half the fun of having something new comes from the time I look forward to it.
Shopping online - love it! I don't live near anything but Wal Mart. It's 30 miles away, seldom has "love it" things, and lacks the quality I'm looking for 99% of the time. I've found that I'll often get bored with what I thought I wanted if I've shopped around online for it long enough. That probably means I didn't really want it that badly.
For your daughter - you can rotate toys. When she hasn't played with something for a few months it will seem almost new. She can get excited about it again. You can let her choose which toys to put up in exchange for which toys she gets out again.
Are you familiar with My Points? You earn points for reading emails, shopping online and taking surveys. I usually cash my points in for gift certificates to Barnes & Nobel. While the points are accumulating I think about what I'm going to buy. It's a treat when the item comes in the mail.
Robin
www.thymeforewe.com
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| Juliekay |
Posted - Aug 01 2006 : 1:50:10 PM
The next time you want to go shopping, spend some time playing with your daughter instead. She deserves and needs that much more than toys.
Julie |
| Bridge |
Posted - Aug 01 2006 : 11:19:00 AM
I'm so sorry you feel like you got reamed. I in NO way meant for you to feel that way.
I totally know what it is to feel like you "need & want" things I do all the time.
I too struggle with it even though I successfully paid off my debt last year. I think it is just our nature to want things.
I have really taught myself to think about every purchase, If I pick it up at the store, I think: What do I have that can do the same thing verse buying this item? Will I still like/use this in a month from now?
I also have learned that simplifying makes things so much easier.
Less clothes means less to choose from, easier to see things in the closet and I also can appreciate the few pieces that I truly "Love".
Less what-nots means quicker cleaning, I also truly love the pieces I have kept.
Few to No rugs, makes for easier sweeping of the floors.
I only have one set of dishes, that way they must be washed and put away to use again.
Also write down all your spending for a week.......... No cheating :)
Then evaluate it, what can you not spend and put in the debt jar?
For example: I would buy a soda & litle debbie on my way to work every day it was $1.85 (not much$, you think) but if I put that $1.85 in a jar for a month I would have $37 to pay extra against debt $444 a year.
I also cut the phone, Internet and TV down to the basics. I cancelled the Newspaper and read it online or listened to the news on the radio. I got my magazines, books, & movies free from the library. I took on little 2nd jobs as I could and paid that all towards my debt. I also kept track of my "NO spend days" I used it as a game to see how many days in a month I could not spend a penny.
I really don't want to sound preachy but you just have to make the decision to pay off that debt no matter what. Then you just find creative ways to make it work.
~~Bridge's Boutique~~
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| DaisyFarm |
Posted - Aug 01 2006 : 10:48:55 AM
Ashley, I doubt anyone here intended to ream you out...unfortunately with this type of forum for communication, emphasis on words and expressions cannot always be taken the way they are written. Having said that, what did you hope to hear?
A lot of us here take pride in making do with less, and many of us not by choice. When I was a stay at home mom with three little girls, I had two pair of shoes - one recycled pair for gardening and one that I could be seen in public with. Am I being a martyr? I certainly would like to think not...it was the CHOICE I made to be able to stay home with my girls. I could have easily (and did at one point) go into debt to have things that we could not otherwise have afforded. But paying off that debt was brutally hard and most definitely not worth the stress of having it.
My point is, you have said you have to work to pay down debt to be able to be a stay at home mom. In the next breath, you say you have to have a nice wardrobe and the best of toys for your daughter. Only you can make the choice of which you want...unfortunately few of us can have both.
I have an idea (seeing how you asked for some)! Go and purchase some inexpensive acrylic paints and take your daughter to the beach and pick up some neat shaped rocks. Bring them home and let her paint them, making bugs or flowers or whatever suits her fancy. Let her decorate a flowerbed or planter with them. See what keeps her interest and makes her proudest...those rocks that she made herself or some plastic thing bought at a mall. ??
Di |
| sunshine |
Posted - Aug 01 2006 : 10:38:25 AM
I have a few questions. How old is your daughter if she is young toddler or primary school age she probably doesn't care a whole lot about the toys. We hid half the toys and rotate them every 6 months little kids tend to think it is a whole new toy after six months. The cloths thing. You can still have trendy clothes. Just think about it when you go shopping do you buy three or four outfits try just buyiing one. You will still have a nice outfit and you will have to decided which is the most practical in the long run for your life style. if you want two outfits. Go home don't buy either think about it for a week then go back. If it is already sold answer made for you. If it is not you had a week to decide if one of them you really needed not just wanted. I hope this helps. Do the same thing with toys. You can buy one new toy a month that is only 12 toys a year but make it a special event have the child earn points to 100 for doing chores and the like then they can pick which toy they want with in a certain predetermined price range. The kid like the toy because it took them a month to earn it. Also they will respect the toy more and want it more. You can also have a rule like if you want a two thay cost twice as mucha s the alotted amount then you may save your points for 2 months to get to 200 points make a chart. With like at every 25 point the child get a little sucker or somthing trivial in cost ( ice cream cone a day at the park just some little reward so they feel like they are earning things all along you will feel closer . Your children will learn respect for toys how to save ( point sort of like money) and the value of spending time with family. I hope this helps
have a lovely day and may God bless you and keep you safe
http://sunshinescreations.blogspot.com/
http://sunshine.harbaugh.googlepages.com/home |
| katie-ell |
Posted - Aug 01 2006 : 10:36:45 AM
I'm sorry you feel like you got reamed. I don't think that was anyone's intent. For one, I don't think you are shallow -- you are very wise to look at consumerism and to seek advice about how to make the choices you need to make while dealing with your feelings and buying patterns.
The first advice I offer is this: make a budget (even an outline budget) and try to stick to it. And have room in your budget for occasional treats for you and your daughter. I also try to generate a little extra money for me -- 'found money', I call it. Then, when I want/desire some item, I use my own pin money to purchase it. My way of generating money includes selling on ebay and selling at a consignment shop. In our area, there are even consignment shops taking in kids' clothes and toys for resale. I also shop for gently used clothes at consignment shops for myself -- purchased great jeans and capris this summer for $4 to $6.
When I do shop for new items, I buy what I think I want and then hold on to the sales slip and make my final decision after having it home for a week. I am the queen of returns! Usually I have a bit of buyer's remorse and realize that I don't what the item after all.
Definately take advantage of the 'frees' in your area -- public library for books, dvds, cds; second-run movie theatres; movies and concerts in the park.
Another hint I have -- when I don't have the money, I avoid stores. What I don't see I can't covet.
You are setting a goal for yourself and seeking support here -- hopefully what I've written will help you. And do take a second look at the previous postings. We farmgirls want to support each other, I am certain. |
| ashcordes |
Posted - Aug 01 2006 : 10:07:57 AM
WOW! I posted this topic looking for advice and feel like I got reamed! I was looking for helpful ideas and instead feel like I am the only one being sucked in my consumerism. I was hoping to get advice from people who had dealt with this issue and could tell me how to deal with my feelings. I feel like everyone thinks I'm a shallow person who only cares about material things, when I really don't feel that I am, I just feel like I've bought into the whole consumerism thing and would like to know how to get away from it. |
| DaisyFarm |
Posted - Jul 31 2006 : 5:21:38 PM
Ashley, what do you wish to instill in your daughter to help her to be happy and fulfilled in her life? You say that you want to get out of the "I want" syndrome, but by buying the best of toys for your daughter, are you not instilling in her the very thing you are trying to get away from yourself?
It is perfectly normal to want things (you should see my hobby room!)...but only you can make the decision of what you want your lifestyle to be and what sacrifices you're willing to make to achieve it.
Di
ps. Robin - I totally agree.
http://www.daisyfarm.blogspot.com |
| Carolinagirl |
Posted - Jul 31 2006 : 4:45:56 PM
Another quote I think of is "It's not having what you want; it's wanting what you have."
I've learned that a lot of things we have aren't necessary- or that they weren't as cool as I thought they would be. I'm trying to figure out a way to tell grandparents not to give the girls so much junk this year- maybe more well-thought-out presents... just because I cleaned my oldest's room and found tons of things that she only played with once.
I have an "I wanna" thing about yarn, cloth, books and patterns. It doesn't matter what kind of pattern- whatever I'm into at the time. And with the books, I've really started going to the library, where I am amazed that they have so much of what I would buy anyway. Once I check something out and read it, I realize that only a few of what I would have bought would have been worth it.
I've never been much on clothes- although I would like to have well-cosntructed things that would last a while.
Good luck- and check out Dave Ramsey!
Kim in NC |
| ThymeForEweFarm |
Posted - Jul 31 2006 : 4:30:25 PM
How about volunteering at a homeless shelter or a food pantry for a few days?
Robin
www.thymeforewe.com
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| Bridge |
Posted - Jul 31 2006 : 3:54:08 PM
Focus on your goal, every time you start to pay for something, think "Is this worth not paying off the debt and being a stay at home mom?"
I paid off all my debt last year, and now that I look back I wonder how the heck I done it!! But I did, I just kept focused.
Now I just have to stay as focused at saving the money. It seems easier to say oh I'll just spend a little on this but it all adds up to less in the bank.
I also suggest getting Dave Ramsey's books from the library and reading them. They have alot of good info. He has a statement Something like: Live like no one else today and then you will "Live" like no one else later. I don't remember it exactly but you get the idea. I thought that alot when I was eating ramen noodles for lunch and my friends were going somewhere nice.
Plus my mom always told me, "It's not what you have. It's what you make with what you have!"
Some great quotes:
"I am beginning to learn that it is the sweet, simple things in life which are the real ones after all"
Laura Ingalls Wilder
"I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances"
~Martha Washington
Goodluck and you can and will do this!!
~~Bridge's Boutique~~
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