| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| Dorinda |
Posted - May 29 2011 : 11:23:06 AM
My son broke up with his girlfriend that he has been dating for 3 and half years now. High school sweethearts. He bought her a ring at christmas time and I ask him over and over are you sure about this. He said yes that he loved her. Me and my DH were high school sweethearts and have been married for 32 years now so I did not think anything about it. She was so excited and last weekend he broke up with her said he did not love her anymore. She is so heartbroken and so am I. I loved her like a daughter. I think he is seeing another girl on the side. She has cried so much her eyes were swollen shut. I had to spend all day Monday and Tuesday with her and she just layed in my arms and cried. She graduated yesterday we went to go and watch her . My son came with us I told him he owed her that much. How am I going to break this relationship with her. My son said he would be mad at me if I bring her over to the house. She has practically lived here for 3 and half years. She looks at me like a mother because she does not have good parents at home. She lives in an abusive home. The first night she was back home her Dad started beating on her for crying. I had to go over there at 10 oclock that night and get her. My son would not let me bring her to the house so I stayed the night at my mothers with her. Since she is 18 yrs. old child services will not be able to do anything. Any advice here would be helpful. I have never been in a situation like this. I am so upset with my son. She thought they would be getting married after graduation and be out of that home environment. I feel so bad for her. I told her I was just a phone call away if she needed me. That I would still always be there for her. Thier house is so dirty and stinks no hot water heater, no air conditioner. I have cried all week over this.
Seize The Day!
Dorinda |
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| Penny Wise |
Posted - May 30 2011 : 07:50:46 AM
dorinda you are right to back off a bit-being a friend to someone does NOT mean telling everything you know---if she is staying in contact only to check up on your son or hoping you can help them get back together it is wrong of her to put you in that place. she is young and has depended on your son and his family/your family for 3 years...and maybe for the wrong reasons as you tell of her home life.it is a shame she does not have a family life and it sounds like her school time was devoted to your son. she needs -NEEDS--to get herself a job and some gf's her own age and she needs to try to move forward-easy for me to say!!!
hugs to you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Farmgirl # 2139
~*~ counting my pennies and biding my time; my dreams are adding up!~*~ |
| Dorinda |
Posted - May 30 2011 : 07:01:03 AM
Thanks ladies for responding, I did tell her yesterday that she needed to get a job and try and move out from her parents house. I ask her did she have a friend she graduated with that might want to split rent with her. Of course right now I know jobs a hard to get here. No drugs or alcohol is involved in this situation Thank God. Both are smart kids when it comes to that. Anyways my husband told me this morning that I need to back off and stay out of it. She has been calling me or facebooking me every day a couple of times a day asking me what my son is doing and to ask him this or that is the reason he broke up with her. She called me yesterday and ask me if I could take her to Wal-Mart and I happened to be going so I stopped and picked her up. But it was hard to shop because she kept on and on wanting to know what my son was doing. He has a friend here right now that flew here from Texas and he is trying to enjoy his visit like taking him to the beach and Theme Parks. I think today I am not going to answer her calls or get on Facebook. I just started the facebook thing and don't like it very much anyways. My husbans saids it is the devil's play ground. He saids he has friends that he hears talk about it and all the problems it has caused in their familys. I'm thinking that they need to communicate and leave me out of it. It has been very stressful for me. My heart aches for her but I do not have any control of how my son feels. Maybe if I just back off they will start to communicate and talk and leave me out of it. After a couple of days if she is still calling then I will talk to her. Just so sad.
Seize The Day!
Dorinda |
| FarmDream |
Posted - May 30 2011 : 06:35:04 AM
I like Heather and Margo's advice. I wouldn't let the son set the rules of the house unless he is paying the mortgage/rent/bills, etc. Neither does it have to be a difficult situation. As the girl's friend, I don't see a problem with helping her find a place. This could work out as long as boundaries are respected. You're helping your friend. She should not expect to hear about what he is doing with his life. And he should not come to you wanting to know what she is doing. I hope the dust settles soon.
~FarmDream is Farmgirl Sister #3069
Live Today, Cherish Yesterday, Dream Tomorrow
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| Penny Wise |
Posted - May 30 2011 : 04:40:59 AM
i have to agree with everyone except that the son needs to remember that his mother is still able to have whomever she wants over to the house!does he pay all of the bills? is the house in his name???? that is not disrepecting him by having her "friend" visit.....tho courtesy may deem the visits to be not "in his face'.....
i do think the young lady needs to find herself and realize that a man does not make the woman-she doesn't necessarily "need" a man in her life--i am sure she is devastated and i agree she needs out of her fathers home---
i hope that i have made sense here-not sure that my written word is working this morning!!!!
Farmgirl # 2139
~*~ counting my pennies and biding my time; my dreams are adding up!~*~ |
| MagnoliaWhisper |
Posted - May 29 2011 : 10:51:59 PM
I just realized something, I was just speaking to my husband's ex-girlfriend a minute ago! We are actually pretty good friends! lol In my husband's and I's religion we only date when we are ready to marry, not before. He married me at a pretty young age (21-I was 25) so he had only dated two other women before me. Funny thing is I am friends with both of them. The one I just finished speaking to, we are really good friends, I forget a lot of times they used to date. Both the other women he dated he dated for longer then a year! (not at the same time!) Any way, the one I was speaking to he dated directly before me. The other woman he dated before her, we weren't bad friends either. I didn't have as much in common with her though so we weren't best friends, but we weren't enemies either and we talked at least 2 times a week at church. However, funny thing is I LOOOOOOVED her parents! In fact, I would consider her mother one of my best friends! lol She attended all my husband and I's events in life-wedding type stuff, baby showers, etc. lol haha So I would say we are friends! My mother in law I think is glad he didn't marry either one of them, but I think the first one my FIL secretly wishes DH had married her. Oh well! lol haha In fact, my DH had to tell FIL when he announced we were marrying, and my FIL asked why not the other woman (he had been broke up with her for over 3 years by that time!) that there was reasons they didn't marry and he wasn't going to go back and revisit that! lol
Any way, my point just is, mature people, again unless there is extenuating circumstances where one person just is NOT a good person. Mature people can handle and understand friendships that their family members and friends decide to continue weather they decide to continue their friendships or not. However, I will say even though I would say the previous two women are not on my husband's top lists of friends he is still civil to both as well, and still hopes the best for them in their lives, and likes them as people-they just weren't right for him.
Also when we lived in NYC, not many people had cars, but we had one. Any time we were on our way some where (usually to church when this would happen) if he seen his first girl friend walking and it was raining or other such in-climate weather he ALWAYS would go back around the block pull over and offer for her to ride with us the rest of the way to her destination so she wouldn't have to keep walking in the rain, snow or what have you. Personally, I wouldn't of wanted to marry a lesser man then that though. However, I will say EVERY one always uses the word "nice" when they are describing my husband. All the old ladies, go on and on about how "nice" he is. (of course he always gives them rides too! lol haha)
I only really dated one other man seriously before my husband-I just was too busy in my life to worry about dating some one! lol And guess what, yup I'm friends with him and his wife as well! lol
http://www.heathersprairie.blogspot.com |
| Dusky Beauty |
Posted - May 29 2011 : 5:12:30 PM
quote:
Originally posted by knitnpickinatune
Any idea as to why the sudden break-up?
The mother indicated that she thinks he's been seeing someone else on the side.
"After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.” ~Will Rogers |
| knitnpickinatune |
Posted - May 29 2011 : 4:02:46 PM
I agree with olbittyhen-she needs to go to the police & press charges against her father and I'm sure there has to be a womans shelter available to her to stay at till she gets on her feet emotionally as well as physically. Usually a location of a shelter opens up once someone files a domestic abuse report. I'm hoping the girl isn't co-dependent like my mom was with the guy she left my dad for many years ago. I feel she needs a good environment to become her "own woman"before she gets involved with anyone again. Any idea as to why the sudden break-up?
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| MagnoliaWhisper |
Posted - May 29 2011 : 3:57:21 PM
I would say she too needs to go to get help.
I also don't think you really need to break your friendship with her. You are a grown woman and can choose your own friends. My family has remained friends with many "ex" girl friends, etc. If they are nice people we would befriend regardless, then the family member needs to be mature enough to handle other family members continuing their friendship with such. I think under the circumstances, your son may initially be upset with you, but once he matures he will respect that you tried to help some one in need, instead of just abandon a friendship because some dynamic changed.
Now if there was "real" reasons for a break up, like say abuse, drug abuse, etc, then our family usually chooses not to continue relationships with those "ex's", we only continue ones we would have weather or not they had dated before. If that makes sense. I think that teaches people to be mature, and humanity.
http://www.heathersprairie.blogspot.com |
| oldbittyhen |
Posted - May 29 2011 : 12:53:00 PM
FIRST , she needs to press charges on her father, hopefully get her into a battered womens shelter, and counseling. Then she can start to re-build her life. As far as your son goes, and I know it will be really hard, it was his decieson, and you need to stay out of it, or you could lose his trust in you. If in the future they get back together, so be it, but if not, for you and your sons relashonship, try to stay nuetral...
"Knowlege is knowing that a tomato is a fruit, Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad" |
| embchicken |
Posted - May 29 2011 : 12:08:07 PM
Dorinda~ What a terrible situation for you. Maybe, like the other ladies have suggested, you could help her find a roommate or a cheap apartment. Your son may not want her over your house but he needs to respect the relationship that you have with her. He needs to recognize that you are not the type of person to walk away from a person who is in pain and needs help - -no matter who the person is. They may both go their separate ways, they may get back together - your son needs to know that you are ok with that too. This is just difficult because of the bond you obviously have with your DD's ex girlfriend. I'm praying for you - hope this all works itself out in a way that does not stress you out too much!
~ Elaine
Farmgirl sister #2822
"Find yourself a cup of tea; the teapot is behind you. Now tell me about hundreds of things." ~Saki
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| Alee |
Posted - May 29 2011 : 11:58:13 AM
Oh Dorinda! That is such a tough situation! I am so sorry that you are being torn between your son and the lady that you thought was going to be your daughter in law. Is there anyway that the girl could find a place to rent or maybe even rent a room from your mom? Is she going to school in the fall? If she is planning on going to school and she can get through the summer by renting a room or finding a cheap rental apartment that would at least get her out of the abusive situation. As far as the relationship- I would let them work it out since they are the ones that will have to live in it. If your son truly doesn't love her any more then maybe it is best that they broke up before getting married. It's too bad that they had this falling out :(
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
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| Dusky Beauty |
Posted - May 29 2011 : 11:58:06 AM
That's so awful Dorinda :( Is there anything you can do to help her get a job and move in with a roomate? Maybe get her into jobcorps, or a cna program or something.
Your son may still come around once the fling he has fizzles out (usually takes about 3 months for the drug- like addiction phase of love to wear off.) It may take him a while to become old and wise enough to learn that someone loving you unconditionally is a lot more important and lasting that that "falling in love" haze.
What ever happens though, don't encourage her to wait on your son, and don't reinforce the idea that marrying some young man is going to save her from her life. Knowing what little I do of the situation but knowing a lot of the nature of God's plans, I'd say that this trial is to strengthen her, so that when she does marry the man he has in mind for her, she will be able to join with him on equal footing as a strong woman in her own right, not with an imbalance of her being beholden to her husband.
Maybe the love of her life is your son, maybe it's not, but God has still placed you in this position to be his hands and arms in this matter, and that is bigger than your son's love life.
You do have to presume that life will go on though, and it will fall to you as his mother to be kind and open to his next girlfriend of choice.
"After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.” ~Will Rogers |
| BarefootGoatGirl |
Posted - May 29 2011 : 11:39:40 AM
That is so heartbreaking for you both. I will be praying. Our situation wasn't the same, but I know how hard it is to loose your high school sweetheart.
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http://www.corrinemackrell.carbonmade.com |
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