| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| pnickols |
Posted - May 28 2011 : 05:21:02 AM
Does anyone else deal with a husband who is all business and strength at work and a helpless idiot at home ? don't get me wrong, I love my dh but come on, his brain seems to switch off at the door. I just found a nice part time job and he doesn't want to do anything while I'm gone to help out like drive the kids or go to the bank or store. I'm very tired of doing everything for everybody and I'm not giving up the job, I like it and we need the money. He hounded me to go to work and now he won't help. Is he being a jerk or just being male ? |
| 21 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| goneriding |
Posted - May 31 2011 : 8:46:46 PM
My advice is talk it out and then talk some more.
Hubby is one of thise guys who has to do things his way and in his time. I can ask but never "assign" anything to get done. Then when he does it, he's proud as a peacock and I just go along with whatever he's done, even if I'd have done it differently.
Sometimes, the way he does stuff just drives me bats but at least he does things. Mostly I'm a happy camper with that. Life is too short to gripe over most things.
For some 'venting'-type of entertainment, please read my blog, http://lostadventuresintrucking.blogspot.com . Now with pictures!!
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| CMac |
Posted - May 30 2011 : 7:29:52 PM
Ahhh. We can all use wise women in our lives. Thanks for passing her wisdom along!
Connie
"I have three chairs in my house: one for solitude, two for friendship, three for company."
Author: Henry David Thoreau |
| Okie Farm Girl |
Posted - May 30 2011 : 7:21:57 PM
No, but my aunt's name is Lois!! :-) My friend's name was Cindy. A very, very wise woman.
Mary Beth
www.OklahomaPastryCloth.com
www.Oklahomapastrycloth.com/blog
The Sovereign Lord is my strength - Habakkuk 3:19 |
| CMac |
Posted - May 30 2011 : 7:12:48 PM
Mary Beth- Was your "friends" name Lois by any chance? :) Or perhaps a friend of Lois?
Connie
"I have three chairs in my house: one for solitude, two for friendship, three for company."
Author: Henry David Thoreau |
| Okie Farm Girl |
Posted - May 30 2011 : 6:50:50 PM
Rosemary, you sound like my kinda gal! :-)
Mary Beth
www.OklahomaPastryCloth.com
www.Oklahomapastrycloth.com/blog
The Sovereign Lord is my strength - Habakkuk 3:19 |
| AmethystRose |
Posted - May 30 2011 : 10:09:48 AM
Sometimes it helps to rethink the way that you do things.
I bought two pop up hampers, one white. Gave instructions that the white one is for underwear. Now the laundry is semi sorted. Stand at the washing machine and announce "if you want clean clothes, bring the hamper here "
I was always angry at the dishes in the sink, each with cold slimy water in them because I had to empty the sink to get to the stopper. Got a little plastic basin, it is on the counter next to the sink for dirty dishes. Now the sink is available until I want to wash dishes, and it's a little relaxing.
There are three people in our house, soon to be two. There was no need for a set of dishes for eight, I cut it back to four. I have fun with this, because it's easy to replace pieces with a new set of four from the thrift store. The bowls match, but they don't match the plates or the salad plates. The "old" pieces go to a different thrift store. I've also cut back on flatware, which is on the countertop in an old dishwasher caddy.
I have a set of Franciscan dishes and a chest of better flatware stored in case of sudden banquets.
My philosophy is that if there are no more clean dishes available, someone will have to wash one. It's better than raising your voice and blood pressure.
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| BarnChickCecily |
Posted - May 30 2011 : 07:59:48 AM
Mary Beth, I LOVE what you said! Thank you for posting that!
Farmgirl Sister # 241
www.thebarnchick.blogspot.com/ |
| Okie Farm Girl |
Posted - May 30 2011 : 07:30:40 AM
Patricia, you have to do for your family what is right for your family. And no, it isn't too much to ask for people to do those things. The hard lesson for me, though, was realizing that asking was all I could do. If nobody responded to what I asked, I had to learn not to get angry or carry around a resentful conversation in my head, griping to myself that people weren't doing what I thought they should do. It is a really hard thing to learn. I finally found out that the more resentful I got, the less they did. The more relaxed I got and the more I let go, the more people started taking responsibility. Blessings on you family.
Mary Beth
www.OklahomaPastryCloth.com
www.Oklahomapastrycloth.com/blog
The Sovereign Lord is my strength - Habakkuk 3:19 |
| pnickols |
Posted - May 30 2011 : 07:23:59 AM
thanks you Mary Beth, you make a lot of sense. I dont want everyone to think I hate taking careof my home and family, i love it, but we need some extra income. I just dont think it's too much to ask for someone to feed the dog, put the dishes in the dishwasher or go to the store if we need milk and not hit me with it when I get home. I dont do that to him |
| Dusky Beauty |
Posted - May 29 2011 : 9:28:41 PM
That's great Mary Beth, TY!
"After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.” ~Will Rogers |
| Okie Farm Girl |
Posted - May 29 2011 : 8:08:56 PM
Speaking of the secret, I guess I'll jump in here because I think I'm getting old...it feels like I've lived alot anyway!! So maybe I can pass something along. :-)
I learned the secret quite a few years ago from a very wise individual who counseled me and encouraged me to live life differently. She gave me this list and the "you" is just how she said it and is not geared toward any particular individual:
(1.) Don't do anything that you can't do without resentment, anger or feeling sorry for yourself. If you do, you are doing it for the wrong reasons. If you can't do, say, laundry just as a job that needs to be done and with an attitude that you are doing it "as to the Lord", then don't do it. Let it go. And if it piles up because nobody else does it, oh well. Someone WILL notice pretty quickly.
(2) Don't do for anyone else what they should be doing for themselves. In other words, don't enable. Don't do a child's homework for them, don't pick up an alcoholic hubby's beer, don't clean a child's room - (and here, she made me turn the checkbook over to my husband and said to let him be the man and take over the finances. Arrghh. She also told me to keep my mouth shut if he didn't do it the way I thought he should and if we were short of money. That was a toughy for me. I wound up giving up my job and learning to live within the budget that came from one salary so that I could stay home with the kids. It allowed my husband to become responsible with the money. It was not an easy decision, but it was the right one.)
(3) Do remember that you can't change anybody. You can't manipulate them into something different, you can't yell them into something different, you can't nag them into something different and you can't cry them into something different. The only thing you can personally change is yourself - your attitude and your actions.
(4) Marriage is not 50/50 proposition. It is not 75/25. It is 1000 to nothing where you give 1000% and expect nothing in return. Whatever you do, you do it with love, gentleness and with all you are just as Christ did for us, and recognize that God is who says, "Well done, thou good and faithful servant" even though family may not. Unmet expectations are the reason for most divorces and these expectations are wrong. Your spouse is not your fulfillment. God is. If people do not live up to your expectations, getting angry is pointless. Evaluate your expectations. If those people are wrong, then just allow them to be wrong. Do what you need to do for you and let them deal with themselves. Your change in attitude will be noticed by your family.
(5) Take time to just center down. Pray, read scripture, read a book, do something that is quiet and relaxing. Remember that we are all flawed human beings and when you concentrate on tackling your own flaws, you don't have time to be trying to fix everybody else's (which you can never fix). Taking time to relax and be quiet helps you to focus on yourself and your attitude.
When I put these things into practice, with God's continual help, my life changed dramatically. My relationship with my children even changed. I will never go back to the anger, resentment, chaos and frustration that was my life 20 years ago. I hope that helps somebody. :-)
Mary Beth
www.OklahomaPastryCloth.com
www.Oklahomapastrycloth.com/blog
The Sovereign Lord is my strength - Habakkuk 3:19 |
| Fiddlehead Farm |
Posted - May 29 2011 : 1:02:39 PM
Good Luck! Once you find the secret, can you pass it on?
http://studiodiphotosite.shutterfly.com/
farmgirl sister #922
Happy to be a "Raggedy Ann" in a Barbie World!
I get up every morning determined to both change the world and have one hell of a good time. Sometimes this makes planning my day difficult.
- E. B. White |
| JessieMae |
Posted - May 29 2011 : 09:39:20 AM
My mom is a lucky woman: my father did absolutely nothing to help out around the house for 33 years. Then, he had to take a forced retirement from his job. Now, when she gets home from work the house is clean, the laundry is done, and dinner is on the table. A few weeks ago he actually asked if he could borrow my pie board. I about fell out on the floor!
Jessie Mae
Farmgirl Sisterhood #134 |
| SusanScarlet |
Posted - May 29 2011 : 09:01:40 AM
Farmdream - Well said. "Father - not a babysitter." |
| pnickols |
Posted - May 29 2011 : 05:43:17 AM
farmdream I love that post, I have finally after many years come slowly to the realization that I am exhausted from trying to do it all and for my sanity and health it needs to stop, he is just gonna have to get with the program |
| FarmDream |
Posted - May 28 2011 : 7:38:03 PM
I work part time so I'm usually working on the weekends. My DH is well aware that I will be doing nothing at the house during that time and since I work in the medical field I know darn well he won't starve to death if he chooses not to make anything to eat. He also knows I'm not his mother. And most importantly, he knows he is a Father and not a babysitter.
That being said, sometimes I come home and the house is a wreck, I don't care. Sometimes the house is sparkling. Sometimes the kid looks like she slept in a mud puddle, I don't care. Sometimes she's bathed and with golden curls.
For years women have been told we can have it all. They meant the housework and cooking, too, on top of the career. I have put that myth to rest at my house. There's only one of me. I'm not a superhero. A well worn cliche that works great: Happy wife, happy life.
Good luck, sweety. And pray for God to open his eyes and ears.
~FarmDream is Farmgirl Sister #3069
Live Today, Cherish Yesterday, Dream Tomorrow
http://naturaljulie.etsy.com
http://julie-rants.blogspot.com |
| pnickols |
Posted - May 28 2011 : 6:25:18 PM
thanks gals, I keep telling them that if I'm working I am not coming home and doing laundry and cleaning the house while they've been home sitting on their derrieres. will keep talking ! |
| SusanScarlet |
Posted - May 28 2011 : 07:48:57 AM
Patricia - Praying that this will work out for you. I was married for 23 years to someone just like this. He was unemployed once for 14 months while I was working 50-60 hours a week and he still wouldn't even fix the kids' breakfast or make even sandwiches for supper. When I would discuss doing housework with him, he's say he didn't like housework because he had to do chores growing up. He actually hired someone to do his yardwork. My recommendation - sit down and talk, talk, and talk. Then talk and talk some more. But talk as partners, not as if you're the boss/mom assigning chores to a subordinate/child. If you're both working outside the home, then the work at home needs to be both people also. Sending farmgirl hugs and prayers. |
| Alee |
Posted - May 28 2011 : 06:36:22 AM
We had a similar situation when I went back to work after being a stay at home mom. We still have to revisit the issue occasionally but he has gotten better as time goes on. I would sit down with him and really talk it out. I also had to learn to release some of the control over tasks. If I asked for dishes to be done- I couldn't comment on how he did it because then he just gave up. He never does things the way I do them, but as long as things are clean then I just bite my tongue. Good luck! I think each family walks this path at different times and each guy is a little different. Maybe he will jump in and start helping more soon!
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com
www.allergyjourneys.blogspot.com
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| craftystranger |
Posted - May 28 2011 : 06:15:31 AM
I think that he maybe acting "male". You know men have a harder time with change. He may have not realized just how much you did at home before your job. I don't know if this would work for you but when I started working and nothing was getting done at home. I kind of went on strike. I only washed my clothes. My boys where old enough to learn how to do their laundry. Hubby had to do his. I divided the meals up. The boys had one supper to make (with supervision) a week and so did my DH. Even if that meant a pizza on his night. Some house work got left behind like dusting until everyone adjusted to me working. A family is a team and I stuck with that plan. Explaining to the boys that a team works together - then we can have fun. Try "The Team" approach. Because you know that if you nag him it will get you no where! Put your thinking cap on and think of things that your DH does not mind doing ... and thank him for doing those things. I know that sounds silly that we need to thank him for cutting the grass or taking out the trash. Men are like children in that they really love praise. They will do more if you give them recognition. Women just do stuff because we know that it needs to be done. We are happy to see a finished project and don't look for praise. Think how you feel after your house is clean - that makes you feel good right? Even if no one else noticed. We are just programed differently. Don't give up just yet, Barbara
Don't forget to laugh! |
| kristin sherrill |
Posted - May 28 2011 : 06:03:03 AM
I have one just like that. Mine is an over the road truck driver and honestly, I don't know how he does it. When he's home and I let him drive, I am a basket case. It's not that he drives crazy or fast. He's VERY slow and he lets every single car or truck pull out in front of him. Don't get me started on the driving. But he has his girlfriend in the truck to tell him where to go, thank goodness. She still doesn't have a name but she's very helpful. But yeah, my hubby would just absolutely die right in the kitchen. He knows not a thing about how to do anything. Well, he did get the bread and peanut butter out for the grand for her to make a sandwich yesterday. SO I have to give him credit for that. And he's only ever washed dishes two times in the 33 years we have been together. And that was the 2 times I was in the hospital having kids. So I know how ya feel. Your hubby will get better as time goes on and he knows it has to be done or the kids have to be somewhere. The kids will help him.
Kris
Happiness is simple. |
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