| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| dargaonfly1054 |
Posted - Jun 27 2006 : 09:13:25 AM
Anybody out there been married more than once? I was married for 15 years to a very good man, but we just had too many differences. I think we tried pretty hard, but it just wasn't working for either of us. We parted on good terms. Which was good for the kids. (all grown up now) I was in a long term relationship that was absolutely all wrong for me and I really have no one to blame but myself. A year ago I met a really wonderful man (on match.com!!) and in February he moved in with me. My problem is this: I'm having a hard time adjusting to having someone live with me. And we have discussed the issue of getting married, but as of yet, not moved seriously in that direction. Just wondering what experiences you all could share with me.
"There is a voice that doesn't use words........Listen." |
| 18 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| Utahfarmgirl |
Posted - Jun 29 2006 : 3:42:58 PM
Georgette ~ My first marriage was 24 years of hell. Typical abused wife thing. I was stupid, married my first love at 19, knew everything about everything. After I finally got away, I didn't want anything to do with men for a long time. My oldest son was married, my second son and my daughter lived with me and I supported her. At one point I had 4 jobs, including pastoring a church!
I have what I call my sure-fire plan for finding the right person. It always works when it's done right because it follows the laws of the universe. All my clients who have used it properly and stuck with it have been very happy. Finally, I said, OK, I'll do it. I was lonely and I wanted to know what it was like to be really in love and loved at least once in this life.
Part of the plan is listening for God to send you signals. Well, God told me to look in the personals columns of the newspapers in L.A. where I was living with my daughter. I thought God had lost it, but I always do what my instincts tell me and so I began dating what my roommate called "the bachelors". Lordy, I hated it. A couple were interesting but either they didn't care for me or it just didn't go anywhere. Most, I rejected on the first date.
Then I saw an ad by a "multi-degreed professor and journalist" looking for a "reasonably attractive" and "reasonably intelligent" woman to do things with. I said, "hey, that's me!" and since I had been a reporter, I thought we'd get along. Also I had asked God for someone to challenge me intellectually and he seemed to fill that requirement. We agreed to meet at a deli. The affirmation I use says we'll recognize each other immediately, which we did. We had a great first date and a week later, he said to me "Do you think it's possible to fall in love in a week?" I said, "I sure hope so because I think I have."
Six months later we were married. Stu lived in England most of his life. He has 3 doctorates and taught theoretical physics and mechanical engineering at the post graduate level at Cambridge for 25 years. Hawking was his boss. He was married for about 15 minues in college but was a bachelor all his life. His world was academiz. His mother lived near me in L.A. and when she became ill, he took a leave of abscence to take care of her. He didn't know anyone, hence the personal ad (totally out of character for him, too. He didn't know why he did it...)
We've been married 7 years and each day gets better than the one before. God always answers prayers. Sometimes the answer has to be "no" or "not right now". I'm glad this time the answer was "well, it's about time, girl!"
My advice is listen to your heart but also listen to your head. If he's your best friend and if being with him makes you a better person and bringss you closer to God, go for it!
Come visit my Etsy store at www.chezPatricia.etsy.com
Farmgirls do it organically! |
| MBurns |
Posted - Jun 29 2006 : 10:54:57 AM
I am also a second wife and stepmom to three daughters. I was married 18 years when I was divorced and met new husband at a divorce class. He had custody of three girls 14,12,6 and I had a 16 year old boy. we got together and lived together a year and then married. I moved into his house which at first an issue when I wanted to change anything. We have been married 16 year now and the kids are grown and we have grandkids. It was the biggest challenge of my life.
Very difficult but the girls mom had walked and they needed someone to help them grow up although at first a step mom wasn't what they had in mind. My suggestion is take it very slow and work through the issues before you jump into a commitment. It is not just the couple but becomes the families on both sides and the kids that are involved. Good Luck. |
| brightmeadow |
Posted - Jun 29 2006 : 09:03:10 AM
Me too!
My first marriage lasted 9 1/2 years - I couldn't bear the thought of a sham 10 year anniversary party..... I never shared my misery with my family, they were surprised when I told them we were getting a dissolution. I had two beautiful daughters and I think it was hard (and still is) on them - but after all, nobody gets a "perfect life". If I had stayed married to my first husband I might have ended up committing murder or suicide and that would be a much worse sin.
I was single for 10 years before my current husband and I started dating and we dated for 5 years before getting married. We've been married for 4 years now and he is my soul mate. We work for different companies at the same location and have a lot in common as far as having a farm background and shared values, and obviously, a shared work history and know many of the same people. I tell people that I prayed for him and he came into my life - it really is true. I mentioned jokingly to a co-worker that if I ever got married again, it would be to a farmer -- and two weeks later, I ran into Ed, and he mentioned he was going to his farm that weekend. Something clicked, I checked the third finger on his left hand, no ring, and I just knew he was the one!
You shall eat the fruit of the labor of your hands - You shall be happy and it shall be well with you. -Psalm 128.2
Visit my web site store at http://www.watkinsonline.com/fish or my homepage at http://home.earthlink.net/~brightmeadow |
| santa_gertrudis_gal |
Posted - Jun 29 2006 : 08:25:20 AM
Georgette,
quote:
........been on premarin ever since, still am.
Couldn't get me to take premarin or any of the other synthetic hormones on the market. In England there is a 40% chance you will get cancer from premarin, depo-prevara, etc. Our wonderful USDA won't release that information to us here in the US. My aunt was on premarin and she died of cancer (breast). I would receommend you fire your OB/GYN and find one that will make sure you get bio-identical replacement hormones.
quote:
I am taking the generic brand of paxil, started on 20 mg
Just what the drug company ordered for you. Another class of drugs our OB/GYN's and drug companies want you on. They also shorten life spans.
Georgette, I plead with you to go to site below and to each and every farmgal the same. Please order Dr. Hotze's book. I found a new life, full of energy and happiness by changing my diet and taking care of my pre-menapausal symptoms with bio-identical hormones and I don't need a physciatric drug to make me feel good.
Please start on the site from reading some of the personal histories on the site. Everyone will find one to fit them exactly.
http://www.hotzehwc.com
Georgette, your doctor didn't balance your whole body when speaking about hormones. Here is Dr. Hotze's best statement on balanced hormones from his website:
quote:
When our hormones are in balance we have a low incidence of heart disease, cancer, arthritis or other chronic illnesses. Declining hormone levels or hormones that are out of balance, produce and contribute to chronically ill, dried up, sexually disinterested, overweight and fatigued people. In fact, when you have no hormones, all you get is an old person.
Dr. Hotze's sucess stories:
http://drhotzeblog.netymology.com/category/success-stories/
Since being balanced and on a better healthier diet I no longer have problems with tingling and pain in my hands while on the computer. No evidence of the carpal tunnel that was developing. I'm glowing now both physically and mentally.
Kim
Heaven is a day at the ranch with my Santa Gertrudis! |
| dargaonfly1054 |
Posted - Jun 28 2006 : 09:09:09 AM
Hi, Jan...........I don't know how I missed your message but anyway.... You are 54 and 60? We are almost 52 and very near 66........ talk about set in our ways!! And yet, it seems working, except for me freaking out. We keep talking, communication is very very important. Some days it takes me longer to tell him what I'm feeling, but eventually, I do tell him and so far I am pretty sure he understands. I am feeling a bit anxious on the space thing as well..........but when we build me a shed on the far corner of our property, I think that will help me, it will be my very own little space. But if it works for you both living in your own space, then that is what works for you. We all are different with different things working for our different personalities. But I do hear you on your fear of making the wrong decision. When we were younger I think we just made decisions and didn't dwell on if it was the wrong one or not, but now that we are older, we've all made our share of mistakes and don't like the thoughts of making more. Is that what they mean by ignorance is bliss? If you'd like Jan, email me and we could chat more about this. Take care, Georgette
"There is a voice that doesn't use words........Listen." |
| dargaonfly1054 |
Posted - Jun 28 2006 : 07:58:36 AM
I absolutely love reading all your stories. Aunt George.......not premenopausal.....had a hysterectomy in March of 05........been on premarin ever since, still am. So that pretty well takes care of that problem. I am taking the generic brand of paxil, started on 20 mg, went down to 10 mg and am cutting those tiny little pills in half. I started trying to do every other day with the half pill and I just felt almost panic/depressed worse.......so went back to the every day of the half pill. I've been wanting to build a little shed in the far corner of our 5 acres for me to "escape" to, but that probably won't happen this year. So next I thought, what about a big family size tent and put it up there? Hmmmm, we could always use a tent at a later date when the shed gets built. But we'll see what happens there. His birthday is on July 3rd and we were kind of planning on going to his families cottage downstate, but he has a niece coming from away on the following weekend, so we decided to go the weekend of July 8. The other night I told him that I really needed to stay home that weekend, but he should go. I asked him if he minded and he said, I always want you with me, but I totally understand and it is fine with me.." He is such a dear. I know I have to give it more time. It is really helping me listening to all your stories. Wow, some of you have really gone through heck!! Wish I could give you all hugs!!
Georgette
"There is a voice that doesn't use words........Listen." |
| owwlady |
Posted - Jun 28 2006 : 07:53:24 AM
I know how you feel. I've been married twice before and am now with a wonderful guy for the last 5 years. He's been married twice before also and we're both gun-shy. He retired last summer and moved to his land, 140 acres, 250 miles away so we don't see each other much now. I'm thinking of selling my house and finding some land up there for myself, very much cheaper than where I am now. We've been going through the same things you have....marriage??? probably not. Living together??? probably not. We both feel the same way, we're comfortable with our own space and I think living nearby but seperate is going to be the solution. Although, we still go over and over this daily. I love making a home for someone and I think we could make it work living together, but with me at 54 and him at 60, we're sooooo set in our ways. I love my privacy and independence, whereas when I was younger I NEEDED to be with someone. Boy, that didn't help you at all did it? I still don't have my mind settled either so how can I help you??? I guess the solution is to make a decision one way or the other and just MAKE it work. I'd love to hear more how you come to that decision because it might help me also. I dwell on this day and night. I don't want to waste my later years in indecision. Time is so precious and I don't want to give up the opportunity for the best thing to ever come my way just for my "independence". I think I read in a previous post that you and your guy are about the same ages as me and my guy. Are you feeling the time crunch also? Pressured to come to a decision because you feel that time slipping away? As for the moods, if he hasn't run out yet or made an issue out of it, it may be bothering you more than it does him. I think women are more sensitive to that than men are sometimes. Good luck to you. I can relate so much. Please let us know how things progress. |
| Buttercup |
Posted - Jun 28 2006 : 12:09:01 AM
...I too am on my second marriage. We (new hubbie 'n' I) met on Talk City back when it was a good place to chat.We have been married now for 8 years and I am so thankful for him! However, I did go through things quickly (moved away from first hubbie(were seperated for 2 years prior but he still wanted a "chance" so I stuck around hoping for a miricle I guess), divorced, remarried, and moved 4 times in a years period) Did it turn out well? Yes, Thank God! But did it all catch up to me later? yes again... so take it slow. I agree with Aunt George on having your own room and she may have a point about medical issues though I think just getting hurt so badly can bring on all kinds of emotional issues and if not dealt with and given time to heal, can haunt you for life. As Aunt George mentioned take time for yourself. So many of us gals forget to be people and we end up so-and-so's wife or mother instead of _______<<your name. So take time with your friends, take time for you. When you do this you will be a better person which allows you to be a better wife/mother or whatever your heart desires. Take it slow and listen closely to your inner voice. Keep everything in your name and see what happens. I wish you the very best and hope he will be THE guy. But if not I wish for you the wonderful joys that life can bring!!
Hugz!
"If we could maintain the wonder of childhood and at the same time grasp the wisdom of age, what wonder,what wisdom,what life would be ours" |
| Aunt George |
Posted - Jun 27 2006 : 9:51:45 PM
Okay Georgette...here goes. Just going to throw out some food for thought in addition to what the other farmgirls have shared with you. I don't know your age, but are you perimenopausal? Are you suffering from a wee bit of DSS? (delayed stress syndrome) Are you afraid to lose something very good so you can't let go and feel happy...if you don't expect alot, then you won't be dissapointed? Or feel like you are a bit unlovable? Just some thoughts...been through alot of psycho-analytic things with my own disasterous marriages...yes plural. My first was mentally and emotionally and well....abusive...he put me through a wringer no woman should go through and he started it when I was 16...18 years later I ended it when I took self-defense lessons out of fear of him hurting me...when the tables were turned (I became a black belt in TaeKwonDo...fought nationally and qualified to compete in the World Cup....Olympic bound....1993. I was teaching self defense to young women and finally realized the lie I was living and left with my son, a Coleman cooler and a beat up Escort. Then a second marriage to my highschool sweetheart.....aka louse, embezeler, stole $20,000 from me and ruined my credit....lasted 6 weeks. Then the love of my life finally stepped up and swept me off of my feet...my TaeKwonDo instructor/coach. He is 10 1/2 years younger than me...boy did that cause me ALOT of worry...needless to say. We have two wonderful little girls. I'm happy like never before...we've been married 11 glorious years...and I love him with all of my heart. He is a wonderful man and loves my son from my first marriage who is now 26 and is living with us. BUT I didn't want to get married. I'd been hurt soooooo bad before....can't even tell you how close I came to ending it all....Tequila and Xanax (never did, had to think of my young son at the time.) I was sooooo nervous about getting married again, and I just felt boxed in and didn't want someone in my space. I wanted freedom not more oppression. We've had our major adjustments...he has his room...basement ("he man woman haters club") with all of his gadgets. I have mine (My estrogen paradise) with all of my crafting, sewing, small tv, wicker, lace, etc,etc***now this is a VERY important issue***ALL WOMEN NEED A ROOM OF THEIR OWN!!!!! LET ME SAY IT AGAIN: ALL WOMEN NEED A ROOM OF THEIR OWN!!!!! So take it, go in it, and center yourself.
I read through every farmgirl's reply and there is soooo much great advice. I wished I'd relied on my mother a little more...didn't want to burden her. I also wish I would have just done what my trusted friends told me...I was too pigheaded and proud. (Just speaking about myself...not you.)
To reiterate on an earlier point: You might be perimenopausal. It can start in your early thirties and last for a decade. I just came through an excruciating time in my life that lasted about 4 years. I really don't know how anyone standed me during those years. I din't want to be around anyone, it was painful to go out and work, be around other mothers, I could barely stand to be around my children and beloved husband. I felt like my head would explode, or I'd break down crying, I had menses about every 2 weeks, I swear to God there were times when I wanted to run screaming and throwing dung on everyone around me! LOL LOL......I was perimenopausal. Never had flashes, the doctors all thought I was crazy, I finally found one who specialized in older women's issues and he gave me some bio-equivalent hormones (progesterone) which really did help some, but I finally just miraculously stopped the menses......entered the menopause time....and my God, their is life again. All those years waisted with what it sounds like you are going through. So if he is a good man, you know that he is not pulling any tricks on you.....keep your own money for now...is he willing to share the profits from the sale of his home with you? He is sharing your home...Get your own space in your home...go out with the girls....don't allow anyone to smother you. If you cannot find any reason to feel the way you are, then please....find a doctor to help you if you are of perimenopausal age 30's to 40's. (I'm a Registered Nurse x 22 years) Okay, okay.....I hope I haven't bored any of you, but Georgette, listen to your inner small voice. I ignored mine twice with disasterous results both times. Lean on some trusted girlfriends right now...very, very important. Live, Love, Be happy...
Aunt George |
| theoanne |
Posted - Jun 27 2006 : 8:36:43 PM
My ex- and I were married 20yrs. Had 4 wonderful sons He never noticed the boys or me, everything was about him. Long story short he's gone. Boys grew up. And I'm with my sweetie. He was married for 12 yrs to a woman who cheated on him with his best friend, and others, and spent all their money. He has 1 daughter ,who was in Band with my 2 oldest sons. We were both married to the 1st spouses at that time and knew each other from Band Boosters.( I actually knew his wife better) Kids graduated and about that time we both got divorced from the 1st ex's . I had no plan to even date let alone marry. A friend kept trying to get Steve and I together. I literally told her no for 2 yrs because I was so sure I never wanted to date. Finally I agreed for the 3 of us to meet and talk about the kids and old band times. We dated for 3 yrs and on his 50th birthday he proposed. Now mind you we had not even discussed marriage. We had had 3 yrs of fun and love and friendship. We did not live together. I was skeptical,but he's just so darn cute! So I said yes.
He spoils me rotten and loves my 4 sons. ( the man is a saint) His daughter and I are great friends and spend hrs on the phone. Since we both had such awful marriages before we are very careful not to hurt each others feelings. I was afraid everything would change for the worse when we got married. It has gotten better and better.
There really are fairy tale endings.............I found my prince
Try to remember all major life changes take 1 yr-18 months to get used to. This could be your moods and the change of routine will evolve. After all he's moved into your turf. If you miss your down time maybe you guys could sit down and discuss having a time that is alone time when you don't bother each other. Then you can have your alone time together later :) We are very willing to sit and discuss things before they become a problem. And we also do well at meeting half way. I never had this before and neither did he. It's been really nice. We've gotten pretty grumpy @ times but we have never had a fight.
Sometimes we are too close. This week we have colds we have been sharing LOL
Sounds like your on the right track. Give it a little more time and you'll know better when things start to settle down at your house.
Good Luck, Teddie |
| Photobugs |
Posted - Jun 27 2006 : 3:50:03 PM
I am also on number two. First one and I had my four beautiful children together. He was very talented and creative, but also had drug and drinking problems. He was only 19 and I was 21...he was way too young. He died at the age of 30. I was single for about ten years and then met Tim, who married me with my four children, who were all teen and preteen! Brave or stupid, not sure which he was. But through MANY problems we had with my kids we are still together and going strong. God has been there for us and that HAS made the difference. Tim takes good care of me and what woman doesn't like to be taken care of? He works very hard. Bless his heart.
The years I had as a single mom were hard, but it was good for me, as it showed me what I could do. It made me strong and I believe those hard times made me able to withstand alot of what life brings on some days.
It is so hard to know if any relationship will work out...but this is part of life. Just be careful and protect yourself. Make sure you have your own money in case you find you need to take care of yourself. Love is a gamble for all of us, but when it works out it can be bliss!
Our 11th anniversary is on July 2...I will be at Farm Fair...my hunk of burnin' love is fine with it. We will celebrate when I get home! His birthday is July 4th...so the whole nation celebrates with us! I will work the ice cream truck that day (my biggest day of the season)...which he is good with and then we will BBQ in the evening.
I think what I enjoy the most is if I don't have any makeup on I am not concerned that he will not think I am pretty...cause he does not care. Being with someone for a few years gets so comfortable and we both love that we can be just who we are.
Pamela
"I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream!" |
| lawsec03 |
Posted - Jun 27 2006 : 1:14:23 PM
I am on my second marriage, also. My first was devastating. I was so in love. I guess in some ways I will always love him. He is a good person, just hasn't figured out how to grow up yet. We married too young, I was 18, and we married on his 18th birthday. Divorced at 21, after I couldn't get pregnant (fertility drugs and all), he got someone else pregnant while we were married.
Now I am married to Shawn. We have been together almost 5 years, married for almost 2. He was previously married, a terrible marriage, and has a son from that marriage. I had a son out of wedlock between my 2 marriages. We have one son together who is 2. Shawn is a wonderful man, good father and provider. Spoils me rotten, and I return the favor! Not the same kind of love as the first one. My first husband hurt me so much, a part of me closed up, and I have never been the same. However, Shawn and I have a "grown-up" love I guess you could say, one that I think will stand the test of time.
You will know when the time is right. The man I had my first son with begged me to marry him, but I knew that it would never work. The pregnancy was a wonderful surprise, one that I thought would never happen, but I knew the relationship was not a lasting one. |
| dargaonfly1054 |
Posted - Jun 27 2006 : 12:11:12 PM
I knew I could count on a lot of good information from all my farmgirl buddies. I've never felt so sure of anyone in all my life. But..........I am having a hard time adjusting to his moving in. He sold his house in Vermont and moved in with me. He, so far, is chosing not to even have his name on the mortgage/deed. But we did open a joint checking account. I'm afraid, I guess, that I will drive him away with my moods. I've been really depressed lately, not sure if it is everything altogether hitting me hard........the kitchen renovation, people at work (I hate it here, but can't leave yet) go-go-go all the time, not getting my down time that I was so used to. I just don't know, but I've been moody as all getout! And he treats me so well. I read somewhere that when you are first dating, check to see how he treats the waitress when you eat out. He was wonderful with them, introduced himself and me to them, always took them aback, but I think they liked it. He was close to his mother before she died.....is very close to his family. Has regular contact with his three grown children. I've not yet seen him lose his temper and I've known him for a year now. I think it is me...........
"There is a voice that doesn't use words........Listen." |
| Aunt Jenny |
Posted - Jun 27 2006 : 11:19:46 AM
Not my first marriage either. First one was an 11 year nightmare!
Jenny in Utah
Inside me there is a skinny woman crying to get out...but I can usually shut her up with cookies
http://www.auntjennysworld.blogspot.com/ visit my little online shop at www.auntjenny.etsy.com |
| blueroses |
Posted - Jun 27 2006 : 11:16:11 AM
My first marriage was a whirlwind, Oh I'm so in love, not really get to know the person kind of thing. I was just barely 22 and I was not mature enough to know what I even wanted. After 6 months, I realized that the husband was not really who I thought, or made myself think, that he was. By then, I was just about 1 month pregnant & tried to see the good things about him. Had my 2nd daughter 18 months after the first one and things just never got better. He couldn't hold a job so I went and got one when my youngest was 18 mos old. Then I had two jobs. Anyway...long story short... he cheated more than once and finally I had to divorce him, cuz he never would've divorced me.
Fast forward to 1993 and I meet Allan. Good, kind, funny, smart, has an actual job and loves my girls. We've been together for 13 yrs and married for almost 10. If there is a perfect soulmate for me - he is it. But I was scared after all the pain and hurt of my 1st marriage.
Georgette, if you aren't quite sure, just take your time. Be happy and keep getting to know more about him. If he really loves you, he'll wait til you are ready. I had a hard time adjusting to someone living with me too. It all worked out. But in the end, there are no guarantees. Just have to take your time, be smart and sometimes have to take a chance. Just wouldn't go putting the house in his name or getting joint accounts til you are absolutely sure he's a keeper. And even then, I firmly believe women should have a private stash just in case.(Sorry this was so long).
"You cannot find peace...by avoiding life."
Virginia Woolfe |
| westernhorse51 |
Posted - Jun 27 2006 : 10:17:31 AM
Ed is my second also, we have been together for 19 yrs. married for 16. We went to grammer school together & lived around the corner from each other for years. We each went our own ways for a long time but found each other again. My advice is to go w/ your instincts first, your heart second. I think God gave us very strong instincts for a reason, they hardley ever let us down.
she selects wool and flax and works with eager hands Prov.31:13 |
| serenity1652 |
Posted - Jun 27 2006 : 09:53:33 AM
I am also on my second marriage. Husband was married before also. He has 2 children from his first wife and I have 4 children from mine...we have a wonderfully blended family. First husband and I grew up together and had our first child when we were 15 sec. child at 17, third at 19 and forth at 21 was divorce at 21 also. Married 2nd husband 3 years later and have been married 10 years and he is absolutly wonderful. Great father, husband and provider. You will know when it is time for you to go a step further in your relationship. Take your time and make sure it is right.
Good luck and God bless you and your man.
Fawn
"May all of your farm girl dreams come true...as mine has"
http://shallowcreekfarm.blogspot.com/ |
| summerbreeze |
Posted - Jun 27 2006 : 09:36:01 AM
Hi Georgette,
I was with my first husband almost 18 years. He was a wolf in sheeps clothing. I thought I had a great marriage moved with his job transfer (I sold my business in California) six weeks later his secrets came out and I needed a divorce.
I remarried the most wonderful man about 18 months ago. He asked me about 12 times to marry him but I was so scared of getting hurt again I kept refusing.. We dated for 5 years before I married him. I met my husband on "matchmaker.com".
I don't think you really know someone for a good year. Listen to your instincts. Watch your mans actions, not his words.
I think it is hard for someone to live in someone elses space. I know my relationship improved greatly when we moved into a new home together. We stared out on our own territory and space that way.
.
Do you want to marry this man? Does he have space to call his own in your home?
The second time around was so much sweeter. Laura
You only live once,if you do it right once is enough. |
|
|
