| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| julia hayes |
Posted - Dec 31 2009 : 09:28:44 AM
******WARNING******* INCREDIBLY Long one
25 years ago I worked at a boutique in Austin Texas. The store owner was a savvy powerhouse of a woman; single parent raising 5 kids essentially on her own. One of the most impressive lessons she imparted to me was how to bow in humility-sometimes humiliation, buck up and be honest. She wasn’t the most tactful person and could be down-right wicked at times that reflected an impatience for listening to excuses. It’s taken me years to realize that what she hated more than anything wasn’t the excuse, per se, but how excuses were more like lies wrapped in colorful trimmings simulating truth. What she taught me was to avoid telling those little white-self-preserving-lies that we all tell.
She scared the living ‘begeebies’ out of me whenever she confronted me, pointing out something I didn’t do. I learned very quickly that telling her things like, “Well, I needed to do this, or this happened, or uh-umm, I couldn’t get to it, etc” was a sure fire way of getting me figuratively tarred and feathered. What she wanted to hear were things like, “I’m sorry. I didn’t do that. Pardon me for ignoring that. I’ll fix it immediately. That was my mistake, and so forth.”
I’ll forever be indebted to her for giving me the courage to be honest. She was a frightening person at times but ironically made it much more safe to admit my short-comings than allow me to hide behind some protective emotional shield. She taught me that honesty and humility take courage but the end result is empowerment.
This experience has served me well over the years in all kinds of professional and personal capacities. I’m no saint however, and I still get seduced by giving excuses as a way of convincing myself that I’m still ok despite falling short of many untold glories.
I have to say, however, that nothing has put this to the test more than Aria’s cancer. Nothing. It has recently weighed heavy on my mind, which is why I’m writing about it. I suppose I want to offer you some insight into my experience. I suppose my over-inflated ego would love to think that it could be helpful to you someday. Regardless, it’s helpful to me to process it this way and I’m grateful to be allowed the venue to express it.
Being the mother of a daughter with cancer is a unique experience. Cancer in kids is rare. One of the strangest things that happens is being catapulted into this realm of reality that happens to ‘other people.’ Tragedy of any and all kinds does this. It doesn’t matter in the least what the tragedy is; cancer, broken bones, head injury, burns, car accidents, flood, house fires, infection, divorce, death…it goes on and on…Those things happen to other people and yet it is a wild ride when you are forced to be one of those others, let me tell you!
For me, it has become very clear that what we, ‘other people’, experience is very similar despite the details looking different. There’s great pain and discomfort when the compass of one’s life is permanently altered. There’s tremendous insecurity when being forced to accept that control is an illusion—we live each day knowing with every fiber of our being that we are not in the driver’s seat and that anything can happen at any time. This isn’t just an intellectual knowing, either, this is something we can almost taste and smell.
Lately, the thing that I have been trying to reconcile and understand is this strange kind of paralysis that has come upon me.
It is no accident that the Holidays have brought this to the surface forcing me to look deeply at myself. You see, I have been inundated with the most incredible tokens of thoughtfulness, consideration, friendship and love. It has been an overwhelming month or so. Frankly, it has been an overwhelming 2 years in this regard but I’ll simplify matters by focusing only on the last month or so.
It seems like every week, someone was sending me something; a card, a gift, a little bit of themselves. These glad tidings were like a tsunami flooding my spirit with the goodness of others. There were many moments that I found myself gasping for air, so grateful have I been.
Here’s the clincher though. What I have done to extend my thanks and gratitude? Nothing! Not a darn-tooting thing.
Many of you know me and I’m sure are tempted to get on the horn and say things like, “Julia, we give to you and your family because we love you. We care about you. We enjoy doing these things. You’ve had a tough road and we want to ease the burden a little. You deserve it.”
These words are helpful and healing and I could hide behind them but they wouldn’t make me honest. I feel like a louse that I haven’t been able to reciprocate. Several times people have emailed me asking if what they sent me was received. I’ve been so paralyzed that I haven’t even been able to fire off a simple email indicating that everything was received and is loved completely. I’ve been getting these wonderful examples of pure kindness and generosity for weeks and weeks. I’ve been holding them in my hands, enjoying them, thinking of each person thinking of me using their creativity to send a smile my way. I have been utterly overwhelmed by the goodness of others so much so that I’ve been still. I don’t fully understand it.
Now, I could spend a lot of time and energy from this moment on beating myself up. I could sit here questioning why I don’t have it in me to write a simple thank you or send a letter of encouragement to someone else in need or bring over some hot soup to a friend who isn’t feeling well or pop into the mail a little nothing that I’ve made and send to a friend to put a smile on their face. I could have a hay-day pointing out how pathetic I am but I won’t.
My friends, what Aria’s cancer has taught me and the depth of humility that it has forced upon me has made me realize that to live an authentic life I have to surrender judgment. In order to do that, I have to first admit that I’m horribly judgmental and this is no easy thing to do. But I am and what’s worse is that my favorite person upon which to pass judgment is me.
Let me give you an example. I was part of this wonderful exchange a few months ago. It was a local swap kind of thing where people from all over the country gathered little things from their area and sent it along. I got things from Georgia, Idaho, Washington and so forth. It was so wonderful. I read several thank you posts from other people, acknowledging their gifts and every time I went to do the same, something distracted me. I couldn’t tell you what that was but it was always something. Suddenly time passed and I could no longer remember who sent me what and it felt too weird to write anything or say anything and I felt too inept to admit it. I never said thank you in a really tangible way although, I wear the earrings I got all the time. I love this cardinal pin cushion someone made and it sits proudly in my studio. The soaps someone sent are long gone and it was all could do not to bite them they smelled so great. This was an opportunity I let slip by and I feel bad about it. It isn’t the end of the world but it is one more thing on a large platter of ‘one more things’ in my life right now.
It’s here that I could begin judging myself, comparing myself to others. Those people, who always send the right card, come in the nick time, do things for others so selflessly, send things without delay. Oh, how I wish I could be one of ‘those people.’ Alas… You can imagine how I could just go to town beating myself up over not being able to send a simple thank you or send an acknowledging email in a timely manner. I feel wretched about those things but even that feeling isn’t enough to motivate me to do anything different.
Instead, I have to admit that I just don’t have it in me right now and I wish I did. It isn’t enough that people don’t expect me to because I expect me to and it’s disappointing that it isn’t there. I don’t think I’m alone. I think a lot cancer moms experience this. I think a lot of people, in general, do too.
There is nothing more humbling than receiving blessing after blessing and not feeling able to give anything back. It would tempting, almost easier, to make excuses and tell little white lies in order to preserve my sense of self but in the secret confines of my mind beat myself up to a bloody pulp. Aria’s cancer has taught me that nothing good comes of that. Instead, I have to be willing to be vulnerable—I have to be willing to be exactly as I am. I have to be... Sometimes I make the grade and sometimes I fail.
I write this to you as I close the book of 2009 and begin to write upon 2010. I am deeply grateful for your friendship, your devotion, your prayers and thoughts, your well wishes and gifts, your constant praise and consideration. Although you may think differently, I don’t deserve any of it but I’ll work harder to be more honest in order to. YOU deserve that!
My farmgirl sisters and friends, Happy New year! Thank you for being a part of my life. Thank you for honoring Aria and my family. Thank you for allowing me to be me..
With deepest regard and warmth, ~julia
being simple to simply be
Farmgirl #30
www.julia42.etsy.com
www.about-aria.blogspot.com |
| 18 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| Lainey |
Posted - Jan 05 2010 : 10:16:42 AM
Julia, I loved what you wrote here. There are some things you wrote about that I've been feeling lately as well. I love your honesty and ability to put into words things that are hard to express for most. I love you and pray for you and your family often.
Farmgirl Sister #25
http://countrygirldreams.blogspot.com/
An Angel says, 'Never borrow from the future. If you worry about what may happen tomorrow and it doesn't happen, you have worried in vain. Even if it does happen, you have to worry twice.' |
| paradiseplantation |
Posted - Jan 05 2010 : 09:04:07 AM
Julia, just know that you are loved. And you do say thank you. In ways that you probably don't even recognize or imagine. Hang in there, girl. My prayers are soaring upward for you and your family.
from the hearts of paradise... |
| buffypuff |
Posted - Jan 04 2010 : 3:20:13 PM
Julia, I don't know you, nor do I know the full story of your journey with Aria. I can only say a few things as an outside observer. The first thing is that it seems you were very honest and transparent. That is so hard to do when our heart is melted like candle wax down into our gut. Secondly, I observe that you have many friends who love you and Aria, who come along side to try and bolster you, keep you flying and showing that you don't have to carry your burdens all by yourself. I learned alot by reading your letter, and all the responses....this is an incredable group of people..the MaryJane Farmgirls. What I observed is that gifts of love were shed all around down this computer page, and I got a "blow-by" of it. You live to the south of Spokane, and I to the north, but you now have a fellow Eastern WA. sister that will pray daily for you and Aria. Nothing is expected in return (which is what I think some of the other ladies already said). Just accept it. Blessings on you all.
Buffypuff/ Claudia
Farmgirl & Sister #870
"Half of success is the assurance of support along the way." cr
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| tribalcime |
Posted - Jan 04 2010 : 2:19:28 PM
How beautiful Julia !!!!
http://www.tribalhorse.blogspot.com ..... http://www.tribalbarter.blogspot.com ( items for sale here ) |
| Carol Sue |
Posted - Jan 03 2010 : 5:41:46 PM
Thanks for sharing Julia, I seem to be having some of the same sentiments you are in this crazy life journey.
www.Quitemoments.blogspot.com |
| createmyworld |
Posted - Jan 03 2010 : 12:43:21 AM
Julia,
My readings and postings on MJF have been sporadic and at times few and far between in the past year. I am glad I had the opportunity to catch this posting of yours. As always, the thoughts you relay strike a chord in my heart. You have such a gift for expressing yourself beautifully, and I am grateful that you share that gift with us here on the forum. While you may think that you haven't "given back" in some instances, I ask you think about all the lives you touch, and the small (often unknown to you) gifts of your wisdom, courage, and faith imparted to those of us who are blessed to catch your updates and musings. My prayers are with you, Aria and your whole family...
www.createmyworld.etsy.com
http://www.soopsee.com/profile/createmyworld/
"He who works with his hands is a laborer, he who works with his hands and his head is a craftsman, he who works with his hands, head and heart is an artist." -St. Francis of Asisi |
| 5 acre Farmgirl |
Posted - Jan 01 2010 : 7:00:12 PM
Hugs sent to you my Farmgirl Sis'.......You are anmazing,,
I believe that someone higher than we ourselves, gives us the strength when we need it....we as humans dont have "it" all the time..
Farmgirl Sister #368
~~~**Terri**~~~
My blog is up again, please go and read....
http//:thecontentedwoman.blogspot.com |
| dutchy |
Posted - Jan 01 2010 : 1:18:40 PM
I can only say that I totally agree with all previous posters.
My brother passed away due to (lung)cancer 3 yrs ago this month (Jan 14 to be exact)That will be a difficult day, but it also tought me to be grateful of every day. Just grateful that he was MY big brother of whom I was SO proud. He was funny in a weird kinda way, lol. He could have a BIG mouth but his heart was in the right place.
You know, just writing this down made me smile. Ofcourse I miss him every single day and think about him often too. But it is mostly with a smile. I try not to think of the last few months of his life in which he became sicker and sicker. I try to think about the bear hugs he sometimes gave me (reluctantly duh) and about the words he told me those last months. About the love he bestowed on me when mom passed away just 4 months before him.
And during that difficult time I topo received many cards and I don´t think I ever really thanked the persons sending them to me. But I also realized that most didn´t expect me to say thank you. They send the cards and prayers out of love, love for me.
And that is what has happened to you too girl. The farmgirls ( and me) just LOVE you and Aria so much that the cards etc. came just out of the goodness of the people that send them
And you writing this down here is thanks enough, trust me.
Sorry for the long answer and didn´t want to hyjack your lovely post
Hugs from Marian/Dutchy, a farmgirl from the Netherlands :)
My personal blog:
http://just-me-a-dutch-girl.blogspot.com/
Almost daily updates on me and mine :)
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| vtstevens |
Posted - Jan 01 2010 : 1:13:09 PM
Julia, you precious, exhausted soul. Your only responsibilties are to care for your daughter, and keep yourself healthy for her. We all understand that you have no margins left. Let yourself be cared for. Rest in the knowledge that everyone understands. You are a good person in extraordinary circumstances.
Virginia
I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
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| katmom |
Posted - Jan 01 2010 : 11:45:36 AM
Julia,,,,
I luv you just because you are who you are, please never change 'you'!....
from the very first bear hug you gave me when we first met, to the sack of 'taters you gave Firemama & I, to just driving by "old Henry' and knowing you are just a stones throw away is my "juliaJoyfix"....
glittery hugz to you & the family & dogs who 'luv' to greet me! heheehee!
>^..^< Happiness is being a katmom.
"I've never met a sewing machine I didn't like!"
www.katmom4.blogspot.com & http://www.graciesvictorianrose.blogspot.com
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| CalicoCat |
Posted - Jan 01 2010 : 11:35:01 AM
Julia, I haven't made "the rounds" here greatly so haven't crossed paths with you on the forum. However, I wanted you to know that your post could've been ten times as long and I would've still been honored to read it. The thoughts you expressed, and the eloquence with which you did so, are as human as it gets, and I feel like a richer person for having absorbed them. Hugs to you and Aria.
~April
http://aprilsatelier.wordpress.com/
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| ceejay48 |
Posted - Jan 01 2010 : 08:14:58 AM
Julia,
THANK YOU!!! You have opened your heart and that is a huge thing . . . sometimes it is difficult to do that. We then become vulnerable and that can be risky.
But I thank you for sharing in a very articulate and sensitive manner.
It also helps me . . . my life has been a very bumpy ride: son born with Down Syndrome, mother with leukemia, father with cancer, tragedy of a house fire and huge losses, caring (currently) for younger sister with brain injury . . .
It helps to know that we are not alone in trials and struggles and it helps to know that we can be honest about what we are feeling or thinking.
So, thank you!!!
GOD BLESS YOU!!!
CJ
...from the barefoot farmgirl in SW Colorado...sister chick #665
From my Heart - www.fromacelticheart.blogspot.com
From my Hands - www.cjscreations-ceejay.blogspot.com |
| julia hayes |
Posted - Dec 31 2009 : 5:35:29 PM
Oh Heavens Ladies, I really didn't mean to go fishing! The compliments and reminders are nice though and I thank you. I simply wanted to explain this weird state I've been in, wishing it was different, knowing that it isn't and trying to be ok regardless.
Reminding me that my elementary words have been helpful was a surprise. 1badmamawolf (love that name so much I had to use it!) I remember our exchange well since you reminded me but I'd forgotten it. Your kindness in reminding me was like a little air being released from my stress balloon. I'm grateful.
Diane..you are a dear!! A Farmgirl with ADD trying to sift through my words? Oh my God!! What torture for you...you poor thing..here's a little mental bandaid and TLC just for you!! Your reminders were nice too..thank you.
Seriously...no more...I really didn't mean to throw out a line to hook you into telling me the positive things you see. I know they're there. I know I'm mostly good stuff.. it's just that this journey sometimes throws these weird obstacles that don't seem all that threatening or impeding but they. I just wanted to let you that. I wanted you to know that even though I'm falling short of the glory now, I'll get there again someday...
You are all so lovely!! big love always!! ~julia
being simple to simply be
Farmgirl #30
www.julia42.etsy.com
www.about-aria.blogspot.com |
| Diane B Carter |
Posted - Dec 31 2009 : 4:49:43 PM
Julia, you weren't kidding that was long and as a person with ADD I must admit I skimmed through it. You have so much on your plate right now and you still find the time to write on this site. I also wish I could be more like some of the ladies I have met here, I do try and I don't have a small child with cancer. I think you are amazing and I know you should not beat your self up. You have given a lot to the farmgirls with your words. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Happy New Year!!
Hope all your days are Sunnydays.
dianebcarterhotmailcom.blogspot.com |
| 1badmamawolf |
Posted - Dec 31 2009 : 4:07:05 PM
Julia, your replys to my postings about my late husband really meant something to me, you helped "ME". So yes, you do , do for others, and I will never forget what you did for me in that afternoon posting. You are quite the women, and don't forget that. Hugs to you and your Aria.
"Treat the earth well, it was not given to you by your parents, it was loaned to you by your children" |
| julia hayes |
Posted - Dec 31 2009 : 3:27:05 PM
Judy!! thankyou..You're right I think this essay helped pull the proverbial plug that was clogging my get-to-it! Your new year's blessings are in my pocket! keeping them close. I LOVE your tag line..Walt Whitman...oh, I hope to meet him someday!!!
Kelly, you are TOO generous!! I read your words and felt this warm glitter shower all over! When are you coming through again? Soon? let me just say that summer time here is MIGHTY nice with the swimming pool and all...Hey, are you on FB?? I'm going to search you out!!
Sending so much love your way!! ~julia
being simple to simply be
Farmgirl #30
www.julia42.etsy.com
www.about-aria.blogspot.com |
| herblady55 |
Posted - Dec 31 2009 : 2:04:30 PM
Julia...you say that you never say "Thank You." You just did...and THAT could just be your turn-around spot! And maybe it's your New Beginning! May God richly Bless you and your family! Hug Aria from Me...a very humbled reader.
Farmgirl Sister# 905
Judy
Hugs&Squeezles!
I am not contained between my hat and my boots! -Walt Whitman- |
| 4HMom |
Posted - Dec 31 2009 : 12:16:49 PM
Julia...you are AMAZING!!!! What you give in return are your wonderful, thoughtful words of wisdom. Whenever I read something you have written, I gain new perspective and become thouhtful. THAT, my dear, is YOUR gift to us. Hugs and smiles to you and your family!
Kelly
"Be the change you want to see in the world" -Gandhi |
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