| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| Judes |
Posted - Feb 21 2006 : 6:37:22 PM
Hi ladies, ***Warning:Mildly Heavy Topic*** 
I am wondering if anyone has had to keep their distance from their family, for the sake of their own happiness. And how you dealt with finding your place in the world without them. I have made another "family" of friends, but my own is so hurtful & impossible that I finally had to walk away. They already hate me (for being happy), and they don't really get along amongst themselves, unless they are ganging up on...me. I'm 33 years old. This is no new news, but I think it's really settled in that I have to accept this. I have tried everything, and believe me when I tell you....I have tried everything. I've prayed, written long heartfelt letters, screamed, yelled, cried, spent thousands of dollars on communications courses just to learn how to better relate to them. Anyhow, if any of you farmgirls can relate and feel like emailing me, i'd love to hear from you.
http://schoolstreet.typepad.com
www.jac.etsy.com |
| 13 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| Mag |
Posted - Feb 23 2006 : 4:32:36 PM
Jude,
So sorry to hear about your problems. Do you get along with your husbands family? If you do, maybe they could help you feel that family closeness you seem to be missing in your own family. Remember, your family members are just people and just because you are blood related doesn't mean you have to like each other or get along or even have a relationship with them. I have family members that stay in touch and others that I only see at weddings and funerals. I have a loving husband, wonderful children and grandchildren that I adore so I feel complete even if the family I grew up with is not that close. I think if you are unhappy around those family members, you should stay away but also let them know how they make you feel and why you have chosen to keep your distance. Sometimes people don't realize how mean they have been until it is pointed out to them. If they don't respond or blow off your feelings as if they don't matter you are really better off without them.
What part of Ohio are you in? I live around Mount Vernon which is a little north of central Ohio. Maybe we are neighbors!
Keep feeling good about yourself and others will soon see what a special person you are.
Take care,
Margaret |
| blueroses |
Posted - Feb 23 2006 : 11:10:52 AM
Jude,
Wow. What everyone has said is such good advice, and I know it doesn't ease the pain, but sometimes we just have to protect ourselves. My brother decided to cut off relations with my parents on Christmas Eve this year! Good timing. My father has always been rude and outspoken, but it's been getting worse and worse. My mother sold my brother the family biz even though sister and I worked there too and wanted a partnership. So my sis and I quit and got on with our lives. Now all mother does is complain about brother. I used to be the bad one, but somehow now I'm the good one. I now live 3000 miles away from my family. It's the only way I can deal with them. I love them all, but my father has pushed away all friends and most of the family. My mom just puts up with his nonsense, but the rest of us can't seem to deal with him anymore. It's not alzheimers, yet. He's just been gradually getting worse every few years. I know how much you must hurt inside, and it will never totally go away, but you have to be the best Jude you can be and let them wallow in their misery.
Bless you and we all love you.
"You cannot find peace...by avoiding life."
Virginia Woolfe |
| Fabulous Farm Femmes |
Posted - Feb 22 2006 : 11:15:49 PM
Judes, I am so sorry that this is how your family is. I can say that with my whole heart because I know just how you feel.Been there, done that, wore the t-shirt.
Reading your last "rant", one thing leapt out at me "JEALOUSY". THEY ARE JEALOUS OF YOU!! BECAUSE YOU ARE HAPPY AND BECAUSE PEOPLE LOVE YOU.
It doesn't seem to matter to some people that your happiness doesn't take anything from them, they still can't stand it.
My Mom...whew!...I was never smart enough, dressed well enough, I stayed at home, I married a guy who in her opinion wasn't good enough. She all but ruined my wedding also (we have been married happily for 3o years so I guess he WAS Mr. Right), and every major event afterwards.It probably won't go away after you have a baby, so prepare yourself.I had such high hopes when I had my first daughter. I think my Mom took my girls (and they were calm well behaved children, always) maybe 3 times in 25 years. She doesn't call them, go to see them, makes no effort whatsoever.But that is what her entire life is like. She has no friends. Never had a party, sent Christmas cards,no one calls her and her children barely tolerate her & see her (mostly out of Christian guilt I'll admit).She was so damaged in childhood and then by my father that she never got over it.But to live like that is her choice.Not mine.
Dr. Phil says you cannot change people, all you can do is change how YOU react to them.
I have a very sage piece of wisdom (by Gandhi, I think) written and posted on my wall, and that is what I repeat to myself when the family thing gets going again:
"There are two ways of being in the world: you can choose fear, or you can choose love. Everything that is not love is fear"
I choose Love.
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| Photobugs |
Posted - Feb 22 2006 : 11:15:30 PM
I believe that there is sometimes a reason a person acts up...they are mentally ill. This is not to say that people don't also have 'issues' in their lives, but keep in mind that mental illness is alive and well in our world. This does not mean a person has to be in an institution to live. There are varying degrees of depression, bipolar, antisocial behavior, narsisism...and the list goes on. People with these illnesses live all around us. They just don't cope very well. It takes some with these diagnoses years to learn how to live with themselves. Meds can help...if they will take them. I know because I have had and do have these issues in my own family. Often they try to deal with illness by drinking or other forms of self medicating...of course it does not work...only makes the problems worse.
It does not make it much easier to live with, but at least I can try to understand that people are just not capable (sometimes) to live without causing disruption. I am not saying that this is the answer to all family issues, but it is something to consider. Just my two cents worth...take it or leave it.
Pamela
"I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream!" |
| Judes |
Posted - Feb 22 2006 : 5:57:03 PM
Lucinda, in regards to games, a very wise friend once told me (during one of my family's episodes) to stop playing their game. I didn't know what she meant, because I was not acting like them, or doing anything to be a part of the game they were playing. She said "the only thing you can do is walk away. any move you make, becomes a part of the game they are playing. the only way to stop playing is to remove yourself." I finally got it. I'm sure everyone has experienced something similar, where you know that the other person/people are going to play out thier drama no matter what you say or do? Those times when you just feel like a charachter in their play about how bad their life has been & why & how you have made it worse etc. I call them "Jerry Springer Situations" They used to happen frequently in my family, but now (which is almost worse) they are spaced months, even years apart, and show up when you least expect it.
I have never ever been good at sweeping things under the rug. I'm one of those who faces things head on. I have always been a soul searcher, trying to understand myself, the people around me and my place in the family/world. I've always been able to read people very well. I am the person who is brave enough to set pride aside and get to the heart and soul of someone who is hurting. (even if they have hurt me) With my family, the worst part, I have realized, is the nothingness of it. And the fact that they have never taken the time to get to know me, and have continued since the beginning of time, to define me by what part I played in their unhappiness. For instance, they think that I am a shallow, self-absorbed socialite. They have told me that I am a failure, that I am selfish. Everything they think of me is the exact opposite of what my life is about. My oldest sister once told me, point blank, that I am in a "coexisting category" in her world. I had just poured my heart out to her about how she is my sister and I have always looked up to her, and that, contrary to what story she tells herself, I have never resented her for moving out when she was 18 (and a whole other slew of other things that she came up with), and that I wanted a friendship with her, that that is all i had ever wanted from her. So her response to my asking what her statement had meant, she told me that "I exist on the same earth with her, and so, she tolerates me" Anyhow, in truth....I am and have always been, a 90 year old with a 5 year old's spirit. I have hardly changed in my entire life. I stay home, listen to music, sing, work on art projects, make care packages for friends, volunteer, laugh ALOT, spend time with my hubby and my kitties . I know alot of people, but thåt is because I reach out to alot of different circles. At my wedding they were angry because it was interupting their day. When freinds approached them, excited to introduce themselves & tell them how much they adore me, they were rude and rolled their eyes..... I can barely stand to watch the video because they are all sitting there mad. At my wedding reception, one of my brother in laws asked them where i was working, and they yelled across the courtyard "hey, what do you do!? Because none of us know" The thing is, I have told them. None of them have any idea that I have my own business, which is propelled by my motivation to be a stay at home mom. They have no idea that my business is named after two daughters that I haven't even had yet. They have never been to my house, despite numerous invitations. We all live in the same city, and they have no idea what my life is like, who my husband is, where I work (Wow, sorry, that was quite a rant) That's the gist of it. But as I'm sure you know ....I could go on.
All of your replys are so touching. The support really means alot to me. I know I'm not alone, but it really helps to be reminded of it. This goes in waves for me, and it was just starting to creep up on me and was becoming a little unbearable. Probably because I'm really happy right now, and we're thinking about starting a family in the next few years, and I don't feel like i have anyone in my family to share it with.
Lots of Love
Judes
http://schoolstreet.typepad.com
www.jac.etsy.com |
| cajungal |
Posted - Feb 22 2006 : 3:14:42 PM
You gals are made of quite hardy stock....y'all have endured and conquered and survived. Jude, ya' sure have a lot of love being sent your way.
My friend, Lisa, and I refer to these kinds of people and situations as being like someone has just vomitted all over you. It is so yucky!!! It makes ya' wanna put yourself in the position of not getting thrown-up on anymore.
Family stuff is so hard and messy. Go with your heart....if you're at peace with your decisions and actions, then that's all that really counts.
Blessings
Catherine
One of the best compliments from one of my daughters: "Moma, you smell good...like dirt." |
| dkgold |
Posted - Feb 22 2006 : 10:03:04 AM
Hi Jude,
I've been so touched by your situation, and the responses you've gotten have been heartwarming. Just remember, you are not alone. So many times we have to deal with disappointing family. I am still learning that it is OK to not let 'toxic' people affect my happiness. And if that means distancing myself, that's what I do. When I look back, I wonder why these folks were given to me to deal with. My own father was a cold, distant and disappointed man, and left the family when I was 16. He disowned us, did not tell his 2nd wife that he'd had a family. He took his own life 10 years later. My brother has hardly responded to my attempts to keep in touch for 30 years. Occasionally I will get a birthday or Christmas card. My ex-Mother-in-Law told me when my husband left me, "you were never right for him; why weren't you more ...". After 8 years we saw each other at my daughter's wedding, and she expressed how much she had missed me, and we have since had a positive relationship. So it doesn't hurt to keep trying, but to keep expectations low. We can give our affections, but we can't dictate how others will respond. We can just hope for the best. I'm thinking of you and know that you will find a way that works for you.
Diane
"I'd rather have roses on my table than diamonds on my neck." ...Emma Goldman |
| thehouseminder |
Posted - Feb 22 2006 : 09:17:51 AM
I have a brother who HATES me and has since he was a toddler. He has always had a chip on his shoulder no matter who he is dealing with but he saves the real hatred for me. It's really kind of a mystery but I know that he resented hearing from teachers in school how his older sister got good grades and was always well behaved, etc. (Honestly, why do teachers feel the need to compare kids - I don't blame him for being bothered by that but I never lorded it over him)
Anyway, I decided to take the high road. I am always unfailingly kind and polite to him and his wife (who also hates me but she truly does have a head full of bad wire AND she hates my brother/her husband too, and can't stand her own children). I never forget to send a birthday card. When their oldest son was being treated for lymphoma, I paid for his medicine because they couldn't. I give each member of the family very special Christmas Presents and I have a ham and turkey delivered. In other words I heap love on them anyway BUT, AND THIS IS IMPORTANT, I NEVER EXPECT ANYTHING IN RETURN. I just made up my mind to be kind but not keep score. I won't pretend it is easy, but, I think my brother is coming around and I know that he is truly miserable. I also feel really sorry for the kids. Their mother has actually told them that she hates children and never wanted them. Can you imagine how this must break their little hearts. I want them to know that someone does love them and when I can I make sure to tell them (this is the truth) that their parents wanted and planned for them and could not wait to hold them in their arms.
I think that when people hate themselves, their capacity to love others is very limited to non-existent. I refuse to play their games. Instead I act like I don't know how they feel. I'm sure they think I'm really stupid but in reality, does it really matter what they think....
Good luck to you. Know that you are loved here!
Lucinda
When we were young, there were moments of such perfectly crystallized happiness that we stood stock still and silently promised ourselves that we would remember them always. And we did. --Holly J. Burkhalter , "Four Midwestern Sisters' Christmas Book"
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| SmallTownGirl |
Posted - Feb 22 2006 : 07:28:14 AM
Hey Judes, I don't think you are the only one out there who wants some space. My aunts are twins and they are so competitive that it's just driving them crazy. One would buy a horse the other one had to have one too. One of them finally moved to MO and things have gotten better between them. Short visits are going well. I also went far away to college to get out from under my brothers shadow. Everyone worshiped him and even told me that they wished I was more like him. Well as you can tell I dislike him totally now. I don't call him, I send cards and see him at family events but that’s all I can stand. Now I live about an hour from him and things are alright but I won't spend time with him. Don't let people make you feel bad for pulling away. Maybe with space short calls or letters will help your relationships with your family.
Remember what you now have was once among the things only hoped for. |
| Horseyrider |
Posted - Feb 22 2006 : 04:59:02 AM
Keep distance from family? Yes. My son in law has to do that. His family is really dysfunctional and his mom is incredibly manipulative. I have no doubt she loves him, but she can't seem to show it normally. He and my daughter came to the conclusion that it's impossible to maintain a relationship with them. No calls. No letters. No Christmas cards or birthday presents. It's as if they don't even exist, except in my poor son in law's sore heart.
I mentioned this once while at home visiting my dad and his new wife. My dad was concerned, and said that family is family, that no matter what they should be reunited. My stepmom spoke up. She's a clinical psychologist, and she said something perfectly that I'd had difficulty finding words to express. She said "Sometimes, even in family, there are relationships that are just too toxic to continue. You have to cut them off in order to survive."
That's what my son in law has done.
My heart goes out to you for having to make such a difficult choice. But in the long run, it's the healthiest one for you and your immediate family.
(((((HUGS)))))
"What another would do as well as you, do not do it. What another would have said as well as you, do not say it; written as well, do not write it. Be faithful to that which exists nowhere but in yourself, and there, make yourself indispensable." ---Andre Gide |
| Alee |
Posted - Feb 21 2006 : 10:18:06 PM
I have two sisters that I just don't relate to very well. Usually we can spend about an hour or two in each other's company before the sparks fly. I try to be understanding and try not to rise to provocation-but in all reality- familys know how to push each other's buttons. For our own sanity I don't call my other two sisters. I haven't seen one of my nephews since 2002. My other sister almost ruined Christmas for everyone because she did not think my leg of lamb was cooked well done enough (Like cussing me out and storming out of the house).
It is hard for me too because I am really close with my parents and my oldest sister.
Friends are the best remedy- but in a way you have to kind of expect it to be hurtful and a little lonely sometimes.
Hang in there and come chat with us when you need support!
*Zen Hug* |
| Judes |
Posted - Feb 21 2006 : 9:17:45 PM
Thanks Stacy,
Weird, I just typed a reply to your note, and it never showed up. Wonderful! It has probably been redirected into cyberspace abyss. Anyhow, thank you for your kind words. I was just talking to my DH about it, and it's just a hard thing.
j
http://schoolstreet.typepad.com
www.jac.etsy.com |
| rosebud74a |
Posted - Feb 21 2006 : 7:26:39 PM
You must know by now that farm girls are not scared by mildly heavy topics. It is to say the least difficult, to find your way in the world when those who you are supposed to be able to turn to for anything turn out to be the last people on earth that you want to, or can be with. I have dealt with a similar situation with my own family...you are so brave to do all of those things, when you can't get along with your family it truely does make you feel like there is something wrong with you..I think you have already figured out that you have a surrogate family here :)
Stacy
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
Eleanor Roosevelt, 'This Is My Story,' 1937
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