| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| catscharm74 |
Posted - Mar 10 2009 : 1:23:23 PM
It is what it is...so please be gentle with me. I come here because I trust all ya'll with my heart. 
Well, I have faced my reality. The reality is that having anymore kids has reached that crossing point that both hubby and I agreed. I have always said if I didn’t have kids by 35, I wouldn’t. I just never wanted to raise kids until I retire ( have said this since I was in my 20’s) and then what. Selfish? Yes but I think knowing your situation and acting with rationale is much more important than bringing a child into this world you KNOW deep in your heart, deeper than anything than can be explained, that you can’t give 110% too. A child is not something you give back when you can’t deal with it anymore. I realize that. I have been through so much stuff with Charlie on my own and I admit, I am a little soured to motherhood some days. I love him with all my heart but I cannot say 100% I could do this again and that is enough to wake me up to what my reality is.
I decided that if the circumstances were different, as in had we met when we were in our 20’s, if ANYONE in our family cared, at all, to be involved, the fact that YES, I do want my career, never had one and I am so close now- it’s been a real dream of mine, a dream so big I can’t even explain it to people sometimes, if we weren’t STILL in the military, somewhere we would be settled, instead of moving 7 times in 4 years and another of the horizon, IF IF IF ….well those if’s ran out and as hard as a decision that it is, I had to put my foot down. I love Scott to death but his reality of raising kids and mine are totally different. He wasn’t there when I didn’t sleep more than 3 hours a night for 7 straight months with a newborn with severe acid reflux, ending up in the hospital weekly. He wasn’t there when I was lying on the bathroom floor with the flu and 102 temp for 3 days, while trying to entertain a toddler, since I had no one to help me. I couldn’t rest and daycare was out for the week. The emergency room trips, the all night throwing up and diarrhea sessions and breathing treatments. I have raised Charlie on my own, no help, nadda, zippo, zilch, for almost 1.5 years…that is all the time away Scott has been. People who said they would step in and help…well…they didn’t. Simple as that. Actions speak louder than words with me. We have NO ONE to fall back on. God forbid something happen to one of us, it would just be the one left and Charlie. Seriously, who could have predicted it? No one. I realized I was faking a smile when someone would mention or ask when we are going to have another one and believe me, there is nothing better than baby feet and their sweet smell but I don’t have that POUNDING instinct anymore. Dreams come and go and sometimes you have to realize that it is high time to let go. Honestly, I am tired and ready to move on. I know we will raise a great kiddo and he will go far and be able to experience so much, as will we, but when something screams at you so loudly, as in not wanting to have anymore, it is time to let go. I have been REALLY struggling with this for about 3-4 months and I finally had to deal with it or I felt like I couldn’t move forward in life. I also mentioned to Scott that since we have been married, we never had a honeymoon or just time for ourselves. We married, we both left 1 month later on 9 month deployments and came back, got pregnant and have been marathon running through life every since. We NEED time for us, we NEED to get back to how we felt and were when we first met, we NEED to take a honeymoon or just act like we are on one. We are letting our marriage fall through the cracks and I know we both don’t want that.
I would really like to hear from Mom’s who choose to only have 1 child and a career. I would appreciate something uplifting because while I am happy in my choice, it still stings a bit, ya know? Lacking a support group is not helping as I have no one, especially female, to discuss this with.
So this is my reality today.
Heather
Yee-Haw, I am a cowgirl!!!
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| 24 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| catscharm74 |
Posted - Mar 11 2009 : 12:20:39 PM
Speaking of surgery, that is another problem. I heard that it is easier for a male to get...well...snipped and the recovery is nothing (no more whining that a typical cold for them) and that a tubiligation is more intense and can have a 2 week recovery period. Being that I don't heal well (I am a S L O W healer) I am afraid. Scott is REFUSING to get snipped, like it makes him less manly. I cannot be on birth control for many medical reasons so I am trying to nip things in the bud so to speak?!? : O
Heather
Yee-Haw, I am a cowgirl!!!
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| shepherdgirl |
Posted - Mar 11 2009 : 11:56:35 AM
No one else, not even a HUSBAND has the right to pressure a woman to have more children if she doesn't want to. You are right in standing adamant on that Heather, and there is nothing wrong with wanting to live out YOUR dreams. That's not being selfish. The ONLY way you would be selfish for doing so is if you were to neglect your family becuse you are too focused on those dreams. That's not gonna happen.
I had decided years ago, before I even got married, that I would not have any children after the age of 25. Our third son was born less than 1 month before my 25 birthday. My husband was VERY upset when I told him I didn't want any more kids. He came from a family of 5 and he wanted a BIG family himself. When he tried to argue with me about my decision I told him "YOU can have ALL the kids you want, but I'M done!!!" I had the surgery when our youngest boy was 4 and I have had no regrets in doing it. Stick to your guns Heather and shut out the voices of those "Nosey Nellie's" around you. Your body (and your LIFE) are NONE of their business. Remember "No one can live YOUR life better than YOU!" Hugs ~~~ Tracy
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. ~~ George Carlin |
| knittingmom |
Posted - Mar 11 2009 : 11:09:50 AM
Heather, only you know what's best for you. If you need to concentrate on yourself, do so.
"There is no foot so small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world" |
| Alee |
Posted - Mar 11 2009 : 10:10:59 AM
Whoops! I hope you read that how I meant to type it as in "Your aren't giving up" lol istead of what I originally typed which was "are" yah- Typo city! Sorry about that!
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
www.awarmheart.com
Please come visit Nora and me on our blog: www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com
Put your pin on the farmgirl map! www.farmgirlmap.blogspot.com |
| catscharm74 |
Posted - Mar 11 2009 : 07:30:46 AM
Nope, not giving up a thing except the stress of it!!! : )
I feel like we are heading down the road less travelled and I am excited!!!
Heather
Yee-Haw, I am a cowgirl!!!
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| Alee |
Posted - Mar 11 2009 : 07:12:37 AM
Oh I know about that 1%! I think you are on the right path! *hugs* And I think the biggest thing to remember is just because you change directions doesn't mean you aren't "giving up" or any of thsoe other phrases that make one feel like they have failed and are picking the easier of two roads. This is life! No road is ever really easy! *hugs*
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
www.awarmheart.com
Please come visit Nora and me on our blog: www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com
Put your pin on the farmgirl map! www.farmgirlmap.blogspot.com |
| catscharm74 |
Posted - Mar 11 2009 : 01:32:18 AM
Alee- it is so true!! I felt like my 20's just disappeared and though I am not afraid of aging, I do have a lot that I want to personally accomplish. I never fit a mold and I am very much about breaking them. It's my favorite thing to do!!! I think the hardest part was telling hubby and be super serious this time. I was waning back and forth, for the past year especially. I told him that we thought we would have 2-3 kids and that was fine, THEN but this is the reality of NOW. I have really tuned out about 99% of what snide comments people may make but sometimes that 1% can get to a gal, ya know???
I am going to my first official conference for my industry on Friday and I am so excited. I can look forward to many more and that just thrills me beyond belief.
Heather
Yee-Haw, I am a cowgirl!!!
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| therusticcottage |
Posted - Mar 10 2009 : 11:23:34 PM
I start school on April 6th! Heather - thanks for asking. I'm getting so excited. I was going to do medical office but have changed to medical assistant. Now I'll be going long but it will be worth it in the long run.
The Rustic Cottage Blog http://therusticcottage.blogspot.com
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| Alee |
Posted - Mar 10 2009 : 9:36:50 PM
Heather here is what I think- As women we have a tendency to give to others before we think of ourselves. Perhaps it is because that is the subliminal messages that society gives us or perhaps it is an evalution thing (as the most nurturing mothers raised the most kids successfully supposedly?)
Anyway what I am trying to get at is, If you don't take care of yourself first, who will? You have to keep an eye on what you want as well as what is best for the family. Because what is best for the family is all those things that will make you be the best person possible. If that means that sweet Charlie is the only kiddo- that is great! What works for one person isn't always what can or SHOULD work for the next.
The other great thing is- if you change your mind post 35- you have time! You have time to change your mind and create more kiddos.
One thing I have really noticed is that I am losing that "I am invincible and going to live forever" type feeling that you have as a teenager and even a 20 something. I think it is a maturity thing where you start realizing the passage of time.
So then as this realization starts hitting home, we get panicky that we aren't going to get everything we want done in time (in time for what?!) and we worry our youth will run out before we are ready for it.
I have felt that panick for the past two years. Something about having a kid and looking into their eyes makes you want to get your head on straight.
So my advise? Listen to your gut. Sit down, take some time for you. You have worked really hard and continue to work really hard! If in the future you decide you have time and energy and the _desire_ for more kids and/or a change of life then go for it. But don't do it just because you are trying to fit into a mould that isn't right for you. We are farmgirls! We don't fit moulds! We break them and make them better, prettier and more sturdy!!
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
www.awarmheart.com
Please come visit Nora and me on our blog: www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com
Put your pin on the farmgirl map! www.farmgirlmap.blogspot.com |
| catscharm74 |
Posted - Mar 10 2009 : 8:22:28 PM
Kay- I asked on the the other posting, how is college going? I hope it is everything and more for you.
We just have age, in my book, working against us in terms of where we are and where we want to go. 35 is Y O U N G but not so much in the whole reproductive side of things, at least for me. I know woman who have babies at 50 and love it and God bless their hearts. Perspective I guess!!! : )
I am glad to hear from other woman because like I said, sometimes I feel it is taboo and when I get into a conversation with other women, they tend to get onto me for it. I think we have to lift each other up, as women, and support any decision, as long it is done with sound judgement and an openess.
I will almost be 50 when Charlie is 18 and that scares the behoovest out of me. 50 is not old in my book but in my little film that I run in my head, I see myself in a very different place than still raising young one's at that point. I have dreamed, since I was about 12-13, that I would someday have the corner office and the cute business suits. Of course, I will be a total Texas farm/beach gal at home, but I CRAVE that career. And I think Charlie will have 2 parents who are honest about life being what it is and yes, I want to give him a great life. Not just hand it to him, but let him experience it. I know this is my own childhood misfortune speaking again, but I was offered nothing and I want him to go out into this big, crazy, wonderful world with confidence, not being afraid to dream and live, exploring ideas and just living- something that has taken me 20 years to just start to do and figure out.
It's like I told Scott, I can't predict the future but we have too too too many unknowns right now and closure on some makes me feel safer and more secure and lets me move forward. He is a lot more laid back than me and maybe that is what is irritating to me but sometimes I have to grab him by the shoulders and wake him up and THEN he gets it. : )
And yes, all you have mentioned- just the costs alone and the sleep deprivation keep me on birth control!!! : O
Heather
Yee-Haw, I am a cowgirl!!!
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| therusticcottage |
Posted - Mar 10 2009 : 7:59:32 PM
Heather - I applaud you for your honesty!! And I don't think there is a thing wrong with the decision that you've made. I had my first when I was 18. I was only 35 when she left home to go on her own and it was wonderful. I gave up so much when I had a child that young - my youth of being free to do what I wanted, college, and a career. I love my daughter with all my heart and would never have traded my child for all those things but it was very hard. Her dad and I divorced when she was 12. I remarried in 1990 and in 1994 got pregnant again at age 42 - it was unplanned. I am now 56 and have a beautiful daughter but she has been a handful from the day she was born. Other people my age have their kids raised, have time for themselves, have some money in the bank and are thinking about retirement. I'm still raising one and will be almost 60 when she finally goes out on her own. I am counting the days until that time. I've been raising kids practically my whole life and I'd like to be able to have some "me time" before I'm too old to enjoy it.
I'm getting ready start college and feel like I'm finally going to get a chance for a career. At least as long as I'm able to work. I have so many dreams in my mind for what I'll be able to do when DD is out of high school and I'm done with college.
There is nothing wrong with raising one child. There is nothing wrong with wanting a career. You will be happy and will be a better mother by only having one. Please don't feel guilty about your decision and don't let others make you fell guilty. You are doing what is best for you and for your son. Good for you!
The Rustic Cottage Blog http://therusticcottage.blogspot.com
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| idsweetie72 |
Posted - Mar 10 2009 : 7:19:10 PM
Hi Heather. I can totally understand where you are coming from- but my stopping point was step-kids-My last husband and I had joint custody of his son. We married when his son was seven- we had Terry every other week, plus two youngsters-( age 2 and 1).The problem was that I ADORED my step-son, and his ex-wife HATED that. Life was pure hell for 7 years- ex always calling and bleeping me out, causing problems- then hubby always caving to her weird demands- so after our divorce I could breath- and sigh- and go about my life as I saw fit with my children- and not have to worry about raising step-children and deal with ex's. So I guess MY stopping, no way, no more, point was that when I started dating again I would not date anyone with kids- (hypocritical becasue I have children)- but now I am happily and lovingly married to a wonderful man who has no children of his own- and I can just love him without having to deal with HIS ex'es! So hang in there and do what your heart says is right for you!
Mazy Day Farm |
| Room To Grow |
Posted - Mar 10 2009 : 6:53:23 PM
Heather, I have only 1 child. I choose to have only 1 child. She now at 32 says that she was glad that she didnt have any brothers or sisters. And I thought all this time that she would have wanted one or maybe both. And she has given me 2 beautiful granddaughters...I wouldnt have changed anything. I have been a Master Cosmetologist/Licensed Massage Therapist/Cosmetology Instructor...It has been a long and wonderful ride. And I will continue this until I cant do it.
Deborah
we have moved to our farm...and love it |
| K-Falls Farmgirl |
Posted - Mar 10 2009 : 6:36:25 PM
Sweetie.. Breathe...... I had 3 .Raised them by myself. Divorced their dad when I was 40 after the kids were all raised.. Big mistake.. But My oldest daughter has one son.. He is 18 & will graduate from Highschool with 2 years college under his belt. Daughter will graduate from U of W with her masters in June. While working full time.....She and her husband divorced when their son was 2.. She has raised him by herself. Dad has however paid a huge part inhis life.. My grandson will go to college in the fall. His mom has a great career and has remarried and her husband also will graduate with his masters inJune.. I guess what this shows is You can have one child and a career . My daughter is 40 and has been a fabulous mom.. So Don't feel bad. My youngest daughter is graduating from college also with a teaching degree and has 4 kids.. Her husband is Not really supportive as he could be,,but she has moved forward too.. Who knows.. What willhappen tpo any of us.. I say Breathe and make plans for you & your career.. Life is too short to pass up opportunity!
Cheryl
Farmgirl #309
Klamath Falls "Charming Chicks Chapter" Mother Hen
Almost daily posts at:
http://www.k-fallsfarmgirl.blogspot.com/
Come visit the barn at http://barndoorcreations.blogspot.com/
You never know when what you say or do will make a difference...Kerry Kennedy
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| kissmekate |
Posted - Mar 10 2009 : 6:09:52 PM
Hon, you do what is best for your family. If that means having one, so be it.
Having more babies was the deal breaker for the last man I dated. He wanted more kids, BUT he didn't understand that babies poop,puke, get sick at the most inopportune time, the sleep deprivation, and finally being on duty 24/7. Also that they grow up to be expensive, lazy, mouthy, teenage bottomless pits. 
I had already done that with my first two, who were 16 and 10 at the time.
I don't regret my decision at all since it would caused regrets and resenting him. I cut him loose and now he is really happy with his current love and I am sure the kids and dreams he wanted will be fufilled with her.
If you two decide to just have Charlie, then enjoy him as much as you can since they grow up so fast.
And know we love you regardless of having ten kids or one is your final decision.
*hugs*
Don't miss out on a blessing, just because it isn't packaged the way you expected. ~MaryJo Copeland |
| jinia |
Posted - Mar 10 2009 : 5:35:42 PM
Heather,
No need to feel less or to question what you know to be true for yourself. I have one son -5- whom I adore! I always say I am a pretty good mother to one but I would only be an okay mom to two. I realize I can't afford another one - heck I can't afford this one. You have to weigh those pros and cons without societal pressures. Your a good mom for having thought this through.  |
| catscharm74 |
Posted - Mar 10 2009 : 4:10:56 PM
Thanks my farmgirl friends!! It truly means a lot to me.
I had granduer ideas of cloth diapering, living in that little house, puttering around and raising babies. Circumstances or not, it was just that... a granduer idea!! I spent some time with a gal who has 6 year old, 3 year old and a 9 month old. She loves her kids but really regretted getting pregnant the second and third time. She felt a LOT of pressure from family and hubby and now, he is on the road so much, she is really just stuck. She always wanted to work in journalism and she is very close to completing her Master's. She said she feels like she is going through the motions of motherhood with the kids instead of this enjoyment she should be feeling. It was really eye opening to me. I can see her love but not her passion and I think it is sometimes taboo to think we are NOT putting our kiddos first, even though we have the best intentions.
I have been honestly considering writing an article on this subject because I think a LOT of women think it but don't say it, for fear of being seen as a bad mother.
Heather
Yee-Haw, I am a cowgirl!!!
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| BarefootGoatGirl |
Posted - Mar 10 2009 : 3:59:03 PM
sweetheart, when we make choices in life there is no guarantee that anybody is going to understand. that's not what is important. doing what is right for your family is. the decission you've just made was your responsablity. nobody can live it for you and certantly nobody should judge you.
having been a military wife and a single mom i know what you mean about wondering if you have enough to give another child. there were days that i wondered what posessed me to have all these children. no, i wouldn't give up a single one of them, but i have felt like i was in way over my head many times.
What we write today slipped into our souls some other day when we were alone and doing nothing.
-Brenda Ueland
http://quilandneedle.blogspot.com/
http://musingandmuttering.blogspot.com |
| Diane B Carter |
Posted - Mar 10 2009 : 3:26:04 PM
Heather I have 2 sons. I wanted 3 but was thankful for the ones I got. I think your right, you need to put your self first then your family, it's the only way you and your family will be happy. I don't think your selfish at all. I think people should put more thought into how many children to have. Instead of just having them. They take a lot of work and time and most women work full time (I did) and run the house (I did) I even helped build my home (money reasons)I think your husband will agree in time. Good luck with your family life.
Hope all your days are Sunnydays.
dianebcarterhotmailcom.blogspot.com |
| CountryBorn |
Posted - Mar 10 2009 : 3:24:48 PM
Heather,
Your decision to have one child in my opinion is a very wise one. You know yourself better than anyone and honey, you don't need to defend or apologize in anyway for your choice. I am sorry if I offend anyone, but, I feel that a woman should put herself right up there at the top of the list with her family. You need to be happy and fulfilled as much as your husband is. I think for way too many years women in particular have done what was expected of them,in some ways, no I am being honest here, in a lot of ways living someone elses dream not their own. It's not fair right or healthy for a woman to do that.It does catch up with you and it can make you bitter and resentful that you never got to fulfill your own hopes and dreams. This works the same for people who do want to have a lot of kids and stay home with them.They should be able to do what their heart desires with no one telling them they are wrong. I truly believe every woman should make her own choice and be proud and feel good about the choice she made. You are honest and it is very refreshing to see someone speak up and say this is ok, I have the right to live my own life my own way with no guilt or owing anyone any explanations. Bravo for you Heather. Live full and happy and rejoice in your life. You only get one chance! Mkae the most of it.
Hugs MJ
There can be no happiness if the things we believe in are different from the things we do. Freya Stark |
| catscharm74 |
Posted - Mar 10 2009 : 3:21:02 PM
PHEW!! I thought I wouldn't get a response at all...I could hear everyone going "Heather is losing her mind again!!!" : O
Thanks!! I really do appreciate it. (((HUGS))) back. Jami, I am going to put the saying up on my wall. I like that!!!
I can actually breathe a little bit better. Thanks for the support!!! It really has been weighing on my mind a lot.
Heather
Yee-Haw, I am a cowgirl!!!
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| Jami |
Posted - Mar 10 2009 : 2:43:50 PM
Heather, I am a strong believer in everyone traveling their own path and for each person that is something different. I think it takes a mature person to figure out their path...some of us take a lifetime to figure it out and some never do, some have it nailed down sooner than others. Kudos to you for knowing yourself, your situation and doing what is best for you (and of course your family). What is normal anyway? Doing what everyone else expects of you or living up to someone else's standards? Not in my book. Normal is not something that one-size-fits-all.
You know I have this silly saying..."the whole world is crazy 'cept for me and you...and I'm not so sure about you." Ever heard that one? I love it. To me it means I'm okay the way I am.
And so are you.
Jami in WA
Farmgirl Sister #266
http://woolyinwashington.wordpress.com/
http://farmhouseflair.etsy.com |
| Miss Bee Haven |
Posted - Mar 10 2009 : 2:22:54 PM
Well, Heather, you and I must be soul sisters. I had my only son when I was 32. He's 28 now. I've felt all those feelings you express. In fact, it's only recently that I actually feel like I'm getting 'me' time. My dh(not my son's birth father) was always either working two jobs or going to school at night. No, I don't think you/we are selfish. We have enough self knowledge to know our limits. You're a great mom to Charlie. I've always said that Doug was an only child because I got it right the first time. ;) My mom wasn't much help to me, either. She refused to care for my ds when he was a baby and I had to work. And you're right about being a better mom when you feel better. You are not crazy/abnormal. I wish I could reach out through this stupid plastic computer and hug you.
Farmgirl Sister #50
"If you think you've got it nailed down, then what's all that around it?"
'Br.Dave Gardner' |
| catscharm74 |
Posted - Mar 10 2009 : 1:51:37 PM
Part 2…
Sorry, I just need to vent…and I hit the darn send button before I was done…so just skip over this if it is too much for you.
I am FINALLY at the point where I am getting some time to myself. I choose to stay home for the first year of Charlie’s life. I just couldn’t imagine having to put him in daycare so young. I did my online classes and hummed along but all the while, I put everything else, as far as I was concerned, on hold. I have weighed 250lbs since the day that kiddo was born. I barely had time to shower for the first year, let alone think about eating healthy or working out. I can now do that. I like the fact that he will entertain himself for at least 20 minutes while I get dinner ready and that he is starting to do a lot on his own. I can do my hair and makeup AND take a shower and wear something cute. Never think I leave him to his own devices, but that little taste of freedom to me in fantastic. I look at it as I am a better mother because I am happy and that translates over to him.
It is not all about me but in some ways it is. I felt the grip of depression over the past 3 years and I am FINALLY moving away from that. I think I am a good mother but I don’t think I am cut out for more motherhood. Does that make sense? Some people, it comes so naturally too and I am just not one of them. I can take the lessons I have learned and use that in my life.
Scott has big dreams too, like becoming an officer, finishing his Masters and travelling a lot as a family. Well, that means somewhere, someway, we have to give up something. He honestly thought I would just always be the one home with the kiddos and that was that, not in a male chauvinistic way, but just in his own way of thinking way. He didn’t realize how much I do and how much our daily home life depends on me to get it done. He does now and I think it finally sank in.
Ok, I am sure I will have more to post and I do apologize for my rambling, but it needs to come out. Even sitting here typing this, I can feel that weight being lifted.
Heather
Yee-Haw, I am a cowgirl!!!
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