| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| CabinCreek-Kentucky |
Posted - Dec 13 2007 : 1:44:20 PM
a friend sent this to me and had me fallin' offa' my chair .. jus' had to post it to ya'll!
A somewhat believable Christmas tale...
CHRISTMAS WITH LUCILLE
This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to
find out who had the wildest Christmas dinner. This won first prize.
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his
fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to
fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be
true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings
were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses
and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those
things at Wal-Mart.
I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an
X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an
hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!"
"Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll
section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could
also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the carpool
lane during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled on 'Lovable Lucille." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Lucille a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Lucille came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours. The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.
We all agreed that Lucille should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Lucille the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll." "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.
"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay, my brother said,
trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless.
"Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but
why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny! Hang on!"
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to
me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him
she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later, I noticed Grandpa by the
mantel, talking to Lucille. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home. The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Lucille made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.
The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and
Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began
administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over
his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped
out of the room, and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my
mother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the
cause of Lucille's collapse. We discovered that Lucille had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.
Lucille went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think
Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.
HEAR MY STORIES
come, visit my:
"GATHERING ROOM" ..
http://freedomvalleyfarm.blogspot.com
adopt a 'rag-chile'
http://sistermercysfoundlinhome.blogspot.com
AFRICA .. through my eyes and heart
http://africathroughmyeyesandheart.blogspot.com
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| 13 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| Hideaway Farmgirl |
Posted - Dec 19 2007 : 05:23:38 AM
OH, thanks for the laugh...I am still giggling....glad no one else is in the office yet!
Jo
"Wish I had time to work with herbs all day!" |
| junkjunkie |
Posted - Dec 18 2007 : 2:07:10 PM
Oh my goodness!.....That is so funny! I was feeling a little down, but this gave me a good laugh. Thanks!
"To have life in focus, we must have death in our field of vision." Benedictine monk John Main |
| lisamarie508 |
Posted - Dec 18 2007 : 1:42:58 PM
LOL here at work! That was just hilarious! I have to send that on to my friends. Thanks, Frannie.
Farmgirl Sister #35
"If you can not do great things, do small things in a great way." Napoleon Hill (1883-1970)
my blog: http://lisamariesbasketry.blogspot.com/
My Website:
http://www.freewebs.com/lisamariesbasketry/index.htm |
| paradiseplantation |
Posted - Dec 18 2007 : 09:57:19 AM
Frannie, I can't remember laughing so hard lately! Thanks. The way my world is going, I needed a good laugh like that!
from the hearts of paradise... |
| kissmekate |
Posted - Dec 14 2007 : 10:47:00 PM
On further thought, this incident sounds like something that would happen at my family.
We have pictures of my uncle with his head in the urinal he just opened for Christmas.
(My Aunt, his sister, worked in a plastic factory. The said urinal was scrapped because it had a blemish in the plastic and couldnt' be sold. Aunty grabbed it for my Uncle to use at his booth at the Ren Fest.)
He didn't even blink when he opened it. He just said this is great.
This year my daughter and I bought him a fart machine.
Don't ya love good senses of humor?
Still chuckling at this.
Don't miss out on a blessing, just because it isn't packaged the way you expected. ~MaryJo Copeland |
| Lainey |
Posted - Dec 14 2007 : 05:45:52 AM
This should come with another warning... Don't read while at work! LOL!!
The guys here think I've lost my mind. (They might be right, hehe).
That's too funny! Thanks for brightening up my morning Frannie.
Farmgirl Sister #25
http://countrygirldreams.blogspot.com/ |
| mima |
Posted - Dec 14 2007 : 03:50:52 AM
O my gosh!!!! That truly was the best story ever!!! I'm hysterical! I'm forwarding this to all my friends! Thank you for the early morning laugh!!!!
"No pessimist ever discovered the secrets of the stars,or sailed to an uncharted land or opened a new heaven to the human spirit." Helen Keller |
| kissmekate |
Posted - Dec 13 2007 : 10:56:35 PM
Grace and Kathy, don't feel bad, I was crying I was laughing so hard from reading this.
It was great to have a good belly laugh.
Don't miss out on a blessing, just because it isn't packaged the way you expected. ~MaryJo Copeland |
| katmom |
Posted - Dec 13 2007 : 6:31:07 PM
not only am I LMBO, but I think I may have piddled in my panties from laughing so hard!!!
Kathy, I'm with you, I was just getting ready to drink my tea when I started to read this! glad I held off!
Frannie, you are such a nut! this was toooo funny! ROFL!
>^..^< Happiness is being a katmom.
mjf#72
Sisters on the Fly#472
www.katmom4.blogspot.com |
| nut4fabric |
Posted - Dec 13 2007 : 6:09:27 PM
This should come with a warning....Don't Read and Drink I just finished drying out my keyboard as I was taking a drink of water while reading this and started to laugh and sprayed water all over my computer. I am still laughing, sounds like something that would happen in my family. |
| peggysue |
Posted - Dec 13 2007 : 5:47:29 PM
OMG!!!ROFL....... oh, the images that ran thru my head.. i'd loved to have been there to see that.
Life is too short to be narrow minded. |
| Marybeth |
Posted - Dec 13 2007 : 2:19:03 PM
That is so funny. the visuals......hahahahahaha!!
www.strawberryhillsfarm.blogspot.com
www.day4plus.blogspot.com www.holyhouses-day4plus.blogspot.com
"Life may not be the party we hoped for...but while we are here we might as well dance!" |
| Firemama |
Posted - Dec 13 2007 : 2:02:00 PM
OMG LMBO!!!! That is so cute! I am gonna send that to my Aunt. Thanks Frannie!
Mama to 2
Your FreckleFaced Farm Girl!!
FarmGirl# 20
http://myfarmdreams.blogspot.com/
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