| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| SarahJ |
Posted - Aug 15 2007 : 05:27:48 AM
Alright ladies, I need a pep talk.
My husband and I have always wanted a traditional family, and for me to be a stay-at-home mom. We have lived like paupers for years, but we have pulled it off. I have a 5yo and 3yo, both boys. I really believed that this was what was best for my kids, and that it would be good for them in the long run.
Today, I am so having second thoughts. My oldest started kindergarten on monday, and the last two days have been hell on earth in this house. He screams, he cries, he begs not to go. Yesterday, teachers actually had to hold him back so we could leave the school. He cries for at least an hour after he gets there, and is upset all day.
Now, 20 years ago, maybe even 10, we would have all commersated how this was normal, common, and would fade with time.
However, today, ds is the ONLY child in his class that has not been in daycare and pre-k (most at the same school). All the other kids know the routine, and are cool as cucumbers. He is the only one having problems adjusting.
I am so worried that:
1) his emotional problems and displays are singling him out, and hurting him socially
2) His teacher has less patience for him because everyone else knows the drill and he does not. He literally had NO IDEA what school was like, or what to expect (despite my attempts to prepare him), and I am worried she assumes he knows things that he doesn't. All the other kids know how to stand in line, raise hands for the bathroom, etc., and my ds does not.
I really tried to prep him. We've talked about it for months, I bought and read him books about school, I took him shopping and let him pick all his school supplies, uniforms and the like. I really tried.
But, after another morning of him screaming down the house, I feel like an utter failure. All those daycare kids seem better off than mine.
Please tell me that this will get better. I am going crazy.
|
| 25 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| JessieMae |
Posted - Aug 22 2007 : 11:41:43 AM
You've got a ton of great advice here already, so there's not much I can add that you haven't already heard.
You can't really compare day-care experienced kids with your son. I'm sure that most of them were just as upset as your son is now when they started daycare!
It just takes time for kids to learn the routine. |
| DeepsouthMamma |
Posted - Aug 22 2007 : 11:14:20 AM
Education is a pretty hot topic-
I hope all of us keep the attitude that different choices are available and each of us have to do what's right for our individual family dynamic.
I am a long time home schooler-(for which I don't intend to apologize)- but I certainly know that this choice is not the only choice.
I also try to be careful to listen to individuals as just that -individuals.
So if you know other home schoolers that you dont particularly like, please give me(or others) the courtesy of allowing me to remain the individual I am - not a "stereo-typed" version of someone else.
And I ,likewise, will try remember that lumping all schooling (besides home schooling)
is unfair to you as well.
I just don't want to see anyone draw a line in the sand between these schooling options.It happens all the time.
If we do no one gains- we just build walls and then we can't see or hear each other.
Just hoping to keep us thinking of one another kindly.
Love all you farmgirls!!!
Autumn
Isaiah 40:31
But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. |
| catscharm74 |
Posted - Aug 22 2007 : 08:47:32 AM
Yes, true don't let the kids just tough it out. I believe listening to them and being positive, no matter what the choices, is always best. If makes them feel more secure if things are positive, even if they don't get it right away or have to be removed, they are not left with a sour taste, so to speak, if you went back and tried at a later time.
Cheers,
Heather |
| ArmyWifey |
Posted - Aug 22 2007 : 08:09:57 AM
quote:
Originally posted by Past Blessings
Sarah is obviously a very kind and compassionate mom and her kids are lucky to have her!
I wasn't saying anything about Sara's mothering. I was refering to the fact that many of the posts have a "suck it up" attitude towards the child! That he will come around, it will be ok, etc ... well maybe and maybe not. Many children have anxiety issues over being seperated and often we force the issue to early - I was encouraging her to follow her gut on this one and if she feels it really isn't the right time to go with that. I wish I would have listened more to my instincts when my eldest in first grade and not put her through the even half year she went! But fear can be a great motivator to NOT to do things.
As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord!
|
| Alee |
Posted - Aug 21 2007 : 11:34:25 AM
I am so glad to hear that things are starting to get better. Is he making friends at school? I know things will continue to get better for you both :)
Alee
The amazing one handed typist! One hand for typing, one hand to hold Nora!
http://home.test-afl.tulix.com/aleeandnora/ |
| catscharm74 |
Posted - Aug 21 2007 : 07:00:19 AM
I believe a child is a child, no matter if they stayed at home, daycare, part time care, switching between houses, etc. Always be positive because I truly believe they can pick up on YOUR nervousness and then they get hard to handle. My son started daycare 3 weeks ago and everyday, it can go either way. He is coming around but I just stay upbeat and cheery the whole time I am dropping him off, give him big kisses and wave bye bye. He only had one really bad episode but found out that was because he had an ear infection and wasn't feeling good. Otherwise, he adapts really quick.
Cheers,
Heather |
| mima |
Posted - Aug 21 2007 : 06:38:39 AM
I truly think the words "This too shall pass" should be painted on the walls of every young mothers house!!! You are doing a great job!! Many hugs!!! |
| SarahJ |
Posted - Aug 21 2007 : 05:32:42 AM
He is doing so much better! We did have a rough morning yesterday after the weekend, and he is still getting teary in the mornings. However, it is a piece of cake compared to the screamfest we had last week.
I have worked very hard to keep us on a solid, regular routine, and I have been trying to balance the tasks of being sensisitive to his insecurities, while being firm against his ploys. Elizabeth, he also tried the "I don't feel good" ploy a few times, and boy was it frustrating.
Thank you all for your insights. I try so hard not to compare myself or my kids to other families, but in these new situations, it is so difficult not to. Thank goodness I two years before I have to go through this again with my next child! |
| therusticcottage |
Posted - Aug 20 2007 : 11:28:26 PM
First off, you are NOT a failure! A child that has been home with his mother and never had to go to daycare is so lucky.
This is so hard -- most of the time harder on us moms! I'm so glad that he's doing better and adjusting.
Hugs,
Kay
http://therusticcottage.blogspot.com
Visit my Etsy Shop! http://therusticcottage.etsy.com |
| Past Blessings |
Posted - Aug 20 2007 : 8:21:15 PM
I don't think any of us were saying to suck it up . . . at least I know that was not what my post was saying. I think we were just trying to show her that it is normal to have some anxiety and there is a certain amount of "letting go" that has to happen as they grow up. I agree some parents push too hard and of course pre-school is optional (and I think really depends on the child). I think all the posts here were meant to encourage Sarah and non were meant to say "suck it up." Sarah is obviously a very kind and compassionate mom and her kids are lucky to have her!
Hugs & blessings,
Brenda
Past Blessings . . . Celebrating Life as it used to be . . . when people loved God, loved their families and loved their country. |
| ArmyWifey |
Posted - Aug 18 2007 : 08:10:21 AM
Well there's always homeschooling! Or waiting another year if he's not ready - nothing wrong with either choice. There's NO reason he MUST do kindergarten this year or he will be warped for life! Boys especially often just aren't ready!
Being a stay at home mom is wonderful! But yes you have days you feel like an utter failure especially since society as a whole no longer values motherhood.
It saddens me to see all the make him suck it up type posts - if the child feels abandoned how will that help in the long run? Even if he adjusts - that doesn't mean he doesn't, just that he's given up. There was a little boy across our street once who would scream and cry for the preschool bus -- HELLO? since when is preschool necessary?!
Hugs - follow your instincts on this one/ speak to hubby and integrate ideas from one or all of these posts.
Holly
As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord!
|
| babysmama |
Posted - Aug 18 2007 : 07:29:07 AM
My little brother had the same problem - he was the only one in his kindergarton class that was crying and he cried for a few days but then got used to it. He did start to say his stomach hurt every morning though and wanted to stay home every day after a month of classes though. Then the teacher at one of the parent/teacher meetings told my mom "He is fitting in well - pushing and shoving the other children like they all do". My mom honestly did not like the way my little brother was becoming, once he started school he started to become a mean little boy and would be mean to his little sister that had before been his best friend. Finally, my mom decided to homeschool him, and pulled me out of school as well (I was in 5th grade at the time and finished my school year in school and started homeschooling the next year). I am now 25 years old and graduated from homeschooling in 2000 and my brother graduated a few years ago. All my younger siblings are homeschooled and my daughter is being "homeschooled" this year for pre-school and we do plan to homeschool all our children. I am not saying that one is better than the other but for any parent that is unhappy with the school system or the way their children are behaving or turning out they may want to look into other options.
But it is perfectly normal for a child that has not been to daycare to experience seperation anxiety for the first week or so and they will adjust - it sounds like he already has!! Good Luck!
-Elizabeth |
| Shirlaroo |
Posted - Aug 17 2007 : 9:17:48 PM
The first time I left my daughter alone with someone that wasn't family was on her first day of kindy. I was so terrified, But I was determind not to let my anxities show. She was fine that day and has been happy to go to school ever since. Yet there was a boy in her class that had been in child care since he was 18 months old, and he screamed the place down every day when his Mum left. So moral of the story is I think it has little to do with if your a stay home mum or not. So stop feeling guilty, your a way awsome Mommy.
Friends are the best collectables. |
| La Patite Ferme |
Posted - Aug 17 2007 : 3:26:42 PM
Sarah,
Hang in there Sarah. I went through the same thing and it tore my heart out to watch her cry and scream even at Sunday School. She much preferred coming with me to services than be with the kids.
I worried a lot before she went to pre-school. For the first week I had to sit in the back of the room, but slowly moved out the door. Fortunately it was a small private school and her teacher was this wonderful grandma type who loved to hug and scoop up the shy kids and help them become comfortable being away from mom.
It didn't take long before DD was running to the car so she could go see her teacher and her friends. Now, 10 years later she is a freshman in HS and bounds her way into most situations. She finds new situations interesting and exciting, even if they may be a little scary. She doesn't know a soul at her new school, but the first day of volleyball practice she went up to a few of the players and introduced herself, then they introduced her around to the other girls. It's worked out fine.
Good luck, keep us posted and hang tough. Before long he'll be dashing out of the car to school. |
| Alee |
Posted - Aug 17 2007 : 12:50:27 PM
How is he doing today? I hope it has continue to be good for him!
Alee
The amazing one handed typist! One hand for typing, one hand to hold Nora!
http://home.test-afl.tulix.com/aleeandnora/ |
| katmom |
Posted - Aug 17 2007 : 10:26:49 AM
This is what is so wonderful about this forum, all you lovely ladies are so giving & supportive and never condescending, and full of valuable knowledge.
Sarah, you are obviously a loving and caring mom, never lose that that wonderful quality.
I am so honored to be a part of this group of wonderful women.
Blessings to you all.
tata-4-now
>^..^< Happiness is being a katmom.
www.katmom4.blogspot.com |
| Past Blessings |
Posted - Aug 16 2007 : 09:54:16 AM
I totally understand . . . I have always been a stay at home mom. Your son is experiencing separation anxiety and even though I know this sounds trite, it will pass. He will adjust. I didn't have that problem, as I did leave my kids in church nursery and Sunday School, plus they did things like VBS, Skyhawks (day sports camp), etc. so that they learned to accept separation. The best advice I can give for him and for your other child is to create situations that you are not the center of. Whether it be going to a friends, VBS, whatever. My kids always did swimming lessons. The kids who cried were the kids whose mothers hovered right there at the edge of the pools. Those of us who sat back on the benches and watched, didn't have this issue. It may be hard watching him cry a time or two when you separate, but eventually he will learn that he is still safe, you still return and he can have a good time separate of you. This is normal and healthy. For him to not learn this independence will actually stunt him in the future.
I have a friend, whom I love dearly, but is sadly damaging her 7 year old. He went everywhere with her. When she finally put him in pre-school, she would stand at the window the entire time so he could see her. When the workers finally asked her not to do that, she removed him from the school. When he went to school, she enrolled him in a tiny private school and volunteered to work in his class ALL DAY. She is never separate from him. Today, he will not talk to anyone but her. He holds her hand at all times, cowers against her legs and has little or know social skills.
I am a very involved parent, but I do think, as with everything, balance is needed. Your little guy will be fine. He needs to spread his wings just a bit, but still know that Mommy is close should he ever stumble. This is a normal passage of life. He needs to move forward and you have to bite you lip and let him. The only reason this is so hard for you is because you love him so much. You are obviously an amazing mom, but now you need to take a step back and let him grow. You will do fine and so will he.
With hugs & blessings,
Brenda
Past Blessings . . . Celebrating Life as it used to be . . . when people loved God, loved their families and loved their country. |
| SarahJ |
Posted - Aug 16 2007 : 05:05:21 AM
You ladies are so right. As opposed to the screaming scene we had yesterday morning, he got up this morning in a good mood, actually ate his breakfast, and got dressed willingly. He still got a little teary but fought it back and got ready for the day.
What a difference a day makes!
I have signed up as a volunteer for some opportunities in the school, so hopefully, I can get to know the other moms.
Thank you all so much for your encouragement. It has really helped me keep calm when I was really going boonkers. |
| EllynAnne |
Posted - Aug 15 2007 : 8:42:43 PM
Hey! When the teacher suggested we keep Gideon home an extra year so he could mature a tad and have an easier time joining the fray known as real school, I about jumped at it. The stress of leaving him in a wrestling hold with a teacher as he was screaming donnnnnnnnnnnnnnt leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeve meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! was simply awful. A week or so into this wailing exit, I walked the dog back to the school to comply with the teacher's suggestion, and as I walked the hall, I realized there was the silence of school in session. Peeking into the classroom, I saw him sitting at a little table and working away. Happily. That's when it dawned on me that the scene he was throwing was theater, academy award yet. And I was his audience. A fire can't burn without fuel.
You are likely the very best mother a child could dream of. He'll be fine.
EllynAnne
www.apronmemories.com
Tie One On...an apron, of course! |
| julia hayes |
Posted - Aug 15 2007 : 7:36:46 PM
Oh, this is so near and dear to my heart! I am first and foremost so happy to hear that your son had a much better day today. I'm guessing he will have his good days and bad days, just like the rest of us. The adjustment for a child entering school where everything is new must be completely terrifying! My son needed me to remind him every single day for weeks and weeks and weeks that I would come back and pick him up. It occurred to me that he was dealing with some abandonment issues..the complete insecurity of having me drop him off with strangers in a brand new environment and somewhere there is this expectation that he should be a big boy and not complain.. in fact he should embrace this brand new thing with happiness and confidence. He was 3 at the time! Give me a break....We expect a lot of our little ones without really intending to. I am completely confident that once the routine of school is established his sense of security will increase and the routine will get easier and easier. The reward system with his teacher was fabulous, although I have always been critical of rewarding children for not crying..for not expressing their fears and emotions... I think this is absolutely essential for children..They need to feel safe and secure in crying and being emotional if that's how they're feeling.. But to reward them for being in class..for being helpful for whatever..some kind of strength is just wonderful! My son starts kindergarten in 2 weeks. We are sooooo thrilled! He is excited but I'm sure a little apprehensive. I'll have to establish the routine all over again.. You just keep at it.. keep that positive attitude..remind him that he's ok...etc.etc... you are doing such a wonderful job...
i sincerely doubt your son will be dealing with any negative social consequences. I have a hunch that one of his classmates will soon seek him out and the two of them will find safety and security in each other. Children are amazing that way. Your son is just fine and he's simply letting you know he's freaked out but he won't be for long..no worry there.
Oh, and you are most definitely not a failure. We all mother in so many different ways now..stay-at-home..full daycare..part-time..etc.. there are many options and many end results....Your consistency..your love..your nurtuing..your confidence...your reassurance...that's all that really matters!!
Good luck and do keep us posted....
Many happy regards,
Julia Hayes
being simple to simply be |
| Sweet Harvest Homestead |
Posted - Aug 15 2007 : 6:29:40 PM
Sarah,
So glad to hear that he is doing better today.
I know it can be discouraging sometimes, especially when it seems that you are going against the norm. (isn't that something that the norm is preschool and daycare now?)
I went through the same thing with my 7 year old. We home school but he took two classes at a university model school here in town 2 hours a day twice a week. He DID NOT want to go and he cried and my heart ached so bad but time went on and he grew to enjoy his class and teacher.
Lindy
www.sweetharvesthomestead.typepad.com |
| Lavendar fields dreamer |
Posted - Aug 15 2007 : 5:49:38 PM
great, glad to know its going better. Hope your tommorrow is just as successful
lavendar girl |
| Brew Crew |
Posted - Aug 15 2007 : 4:29:48 PM
SO glad for the success today! Hope it continues!
"There is a Happy Dale far, far away. . ." -Arsenic and Old Lace |
| Alee |
Posted - Aug 15 2007 : 2:52:32 PM
Sarah-
I think you hit on the key = comfortable. As he gets comfortable with the school setting, he will settle in! *hugs*
Alee
The amazing one handed typist! One hand for typing, one hand to hold Nora!
http://home.test-afl.tulix.com/aleeandnora/ |
| SarahJ |
Posted - Aug 15 2007 : 2:46:45 PM
I can't thank you ladies enough for your wonderful advice and words of encouragement. Since we live in the country, and are the first of our friends and siblings to have kids, I don't have many people who I can relate to in these situations.
He did much better today! As some of you said, he did better with only Dh taking him to school. He also got a little certificate from his teacher today for "being a big boy and having a good day at school."
I am sure we will still have problems, especially in the mornings, but this was just the ray of hope I needed today. Ds turned 5 in May, so he is at the right age, and he does fine socially in places he is comfortable, like Sunday school. I am hoping that today shows some progress. |
|
|
