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 When You're Feeling Blue..
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Ninibini
True Blue Farmgirl

7577 Posts

Nini
Pennsylvania
USA
7577 Posts

Posted - Mar 03 2021 :  08:06:50 AM  Show Profile
Hi girls -

I have a very very VERY dear friend who is just so blue she cannot seem to break it. Last year was ungodly harsh on her. It's like 2021 hit and she just crashed and can't get through or over it. She has started to see a counselor, and it helps a little. But dealing with the loss of her mother (for whom she had been a dedicated, loving and faithful caregiver for many years - she even held her hand as she passed) and the aftermath with her family has been so, so hard. She is such a dear friend. I want to do what I can to help her, but it seems like she just needs to sleep through it and let her body, mind and soul reset. And she feels GUILTY about it! UGH!

I'm a prayer warrior, for sure, so I have her back that way. We have prayed together several times. I'm also a comfort food maker and deliverer, or treat dropper-offer, but this really is more profound than a card in the mail or a pot of soup or a jar of citrus tea or a batch of brownies or a bag of Mini Eggs or a pot of tulips on the doorstep will cure. She needs a hug and a good long cry on a friend's shoulder. And I have other friends and family members experiencing almost the same thing. I would do "Zoom" but some of them are older and completely computer illiterate.

What do you all do when you're feeling blue? Especially, what do you do in this time of Covid, when we really can't reach out and be together with loved ones like we usually would? So hard. I just want to help her. Suggestions?

Thanks girls - if any of you know how to help, I know it's you!

Love and hugs -

Nini



Farmgirl Sister #1974

God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!


Edited by - Ninibini on Mar 03 2021 08:09:24 AM

katmom
True Blue Farmgirl

16960 Posts

Grace
WACAL Gal WashCalif.
USA
16960 Posts

Posted - Mar 03 2021 :  09:30:10 AM  Show Profile
My faith has gotten me through many hurdles in life,,, I am human and have shed many tears, screamed many screams and pondered many thoughts.
I always pull on my inner strength, and remember these simple words,
"I can do all things, through Christ who strengthens me"..
Logically I know I will survive what life throws at me, but when I am weak I retreat to clear my head and heart.
I try not to let my head put me in a place that will be hard to crawl out of, perhaps that is why I use humor and silliness to keep my head above water.
It's hard to be down when you are laughing and spewing wine out your nose!!

I come from a family of heredity depression, alcoholism and multiple suicides.. I am fortunate to recognise the signs and strong enough to not let it be my Rabbit Hole. I tell you this, not for pity,, but to let you know, I have more layers to me then what you see here on the forum..
I choose to be happy, but I have to work at it.
As for COVID-19,, dang,,, I sew and craft and spend more time on the phone and texting... to the point that my ear and fingers are numb!
Oh, and I watch more crafting and cooking shows on the idiot box.. which explains for my weight gain!

Hugz to you all and swap out Blue for Orange and be Happy



>^..^<
Happiness is being a katmom and Glamping Diva!

www.katmom4.blogspot.com & http://graciesvictorianrose.blogspot.com

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ddmashayekhi
True Blue Farmgirl

4708 Posts

Dawn
Naperville Illinois
USA
4708 Posts

Posted - Mar 03 2021 :  11:42:51 AM  Show Profile
I'm so sorry to hear about your friends loss and sadness. Depression is very difficult and she is blessed to have you, such a caring & loving friend to help her get through it. I had to go to counseling twice years ago and it helped. I also found taking vitamin B and D helped me a lot as well. Maybe your friend can get some advice from her physician to see if that would help her out. I'm sending you both well wishes & hugs to get through this.

Dawn in IL

"It was one of those March days when the sun shines hot and the wind blows cold, when it is summer in the light and winter in the shade." Charles Dickens

Edited by - ddmashayekhi on Mar 03 2021 4:09:53 PM
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YellowRose
True Blue Farmgirl

6746 Posts

Sara
Paris TX
USA
6746 Posts

Posted - Mar 03 2021 :  12:15:40 PM  Show Profile
If it's deep depression than it should be handled by a professional. For the blues or a temporary low than like Grace I depend on my faith to get me through it.

I have MS and it has its own depression. As MS depresses the body it also works on the mind, nerves, and emotions. My favorite saying is "this too shall pass". I also seek and work at having peace in all areas of my life. For the most part I am contented. Happiness depends on outside forces and other people - contentment is a choice like Paul said in Phil 4:11

FarmGirl Hugs, Sara
FarmGirl Sister #6034 Aug 2014
FarmGirl of the Month Sept 2015 & Feb 2019

Lord put your arm around my shoulders & your hand over my mouth.
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Audra Rose
True Blue Farmgirl

2196 Posts

Vanessa
Brooksville KY
USA
2196 Posts

Posted - Mar 04 2021 :  06:43:58 AM  Show Profile
When I am a bit down, sunshine and getting outdoors helps. But everyone has their own way they battle depression. I'm sure knowing you are there helps her.

Vanessa
Farmgirl Sister #6754
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Ninibini
True Blue Farmgirl

7577 Posts

Nini
Pennsylvania
USA
7577 Posts

Posted - Mar 04 2021 :  10:20:17 AM  Show Profile
Thank you for sharing your stories and thoughts, girls. I so appreciate you all - love you dearly!

Gracie - that is my mantra, and I know she rests heavy in that knowledge as well! "I can do all things through Christ Who strengthens me." Mother Teresa is quoted as once saying, “I know God will not give me anything I can’t handle. I just wish that He didn’t trust me so much.” God bless her. My way of thinking about the things we go through is that God is lovingly turning on the pressure - only as much as we can handle - so that we are transformed from coal to beautiful diamonds. And you, my sister, are spectacular!

Dawn, that is VERY sound advice, thank you! I know where we live here in Western PA, we see a lot less sun than we do clouds, and Vitamin D is a big issue. I will mention it to her - as well as vitamin B. I take both, along with a whole host of other vitamins/supplements, and I swear they make all the difference! Gotta help our bodies do their thing!

Sara - "This too shall pass" is my second mantra! LOL! Oh man, if we didn't remind ourselves of it, I swear sometimes we would lose our minds. As I'm sure you know, peace for a caregiver is a rare treat. I keep telling her she has to be kind to herself and give herself the time and rest her body needs and deserves to recover from the ordeal of the last few years. She was an amazing caregiver - I can only hope to be anything like her as I go through my own journey. But you are so right, those four little words really do help us get through whatever we are facing. There IS a new tomorrow right around the corner. We just have to muster up faith and gumption to stick through the now. And it's so hard. My aunt suffered with MS and she was a trooper. I don't know how she did it, but she was an inspiration to all of us. I do have some understanding of what you go through, sister, and I think you are amazing. Thank you for all you do for us here on the chatroom - your advice, guidance, levity, kindness, prayers, RECIPES! - you are just awesome! And yes, she is getting counseling, thank God. SO important, I agree. But I will remember your words because if she goes any deeper she will probably need medical help - a little more than she is getting right now.

Oh Vanessa! Amen to that! A most important part of my husband's health routine is getting him out to the park almost every day for exercise, fresh air and as much sunshine as possible. We have invited her to come for our daily walk with us (our dog Bella requires it, and she and Bella adore each other!), but she hasn't bitten - yet. I'm hoping with the warmer spring weather she will be more inclined to join us. I can't blame her - the bitter cold and ice hold no inspiration for me, either! ;)

Thank you so, so much, girls. You're the best!

Hugs and love -

Nini

Farmgirl Sister #1974

God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!

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StitchinWitch
True Blue Farmgirl

2122 Posts

Judith
Galt CA
USA
2122 Posts

Posted - Mar 04 2021 :  10:12:20 PM  Show Profile
When I was 35 I went through two years of heavy depression. Professional help wasn't an option for me at that time. A dear friend who was putting up with me at the time (bless her!) told me "The only person who can make you happy is you". It felt a little harsh at the time but she was right. I have always remembered that and haven't had a depression spell since.

Judith

7932
Happiness is Homemade
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HorseLovinKate
Farmgirl in Training

13 Posts

Kate
Ohio
USA
13 Posts

Posted - Mar 08 2021 :  08:05:19 AM  Show Profile
I'm kinda new here but I thought I'd add to this conversation. I really feel for your friend. I've been there. I had a really bad patch a few years ago..in 2 and 1/2 years I lost my Mom (my best friend, she lived with me, I was caretaker), dog, job, and horse. I also lost my friends, since work friends were all I had. I'm not sure how I got thru it. I prayed a lot. I'd be fine for a while then crash. I shut down for 2 months after putting my horse down (it was the final blow). That horse was a lifelong dream for me and I'd had him 21 years. Caretaking takes over your life, and when the person passes, you feel the loss, but also there's such a hole in your life. A rescue dog helped. But ultimately, you have to have faith that things will get better and just keep going. I tried therapy twice, didn't help me. If it's helping her, wonderful. Everyone grieves differently, and some recover quicker than others. Just be there for her as you are, you're a great friend.

Country Life is Best
www.middleagedcountrywoman.com
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YellowRose
True Blue Farmgirl

6746 Posts

Sara
Paris TX
USA
6746 Posts

Posted - Mar 08 2021 :  08:33:31 AM  Show Profile
I would like to share my former neighbor's story with you all. In her seventies her DH had both legs amputated to his hips because of diabetes. Then he suffered a stroke that paralyzed him and left him unable to talk. She put him in a nursing home and when the care was not good she took him home. Over the next three years she cared for him day and night. She had a sewing/craft room build off her bedroom so she could work on projects and still be near her DH. Her sister-in-law stayed with him so Dona could grocery shop. When he died Dona told me "I did my best by my husband and now it's my time and I'll do only what I want to do". She joined the Wednesday Workers at church and worked on the church's bazaar. What I learned from Dona was two things. First while taking care of a loved one do something you like to do so you don't lose yourself. Second when the loved one passes it's your time and it's okay to do what you want to do.

FarmGirl Hugs, Sara
FarmGirl Sister #6034 Aug 2014
FarmGirl of the Month Sept 2015 & Feb 2019

Lord put your arm around my shoulders & your hand over my mouth.
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Ninibini
True Blue Farmgirl

7577 Posts

Nini
Pennsylvania
USA
7577 Posts

Posted - Mar 08 2021 :  09:27:40 AM  Show Profile
I am so sorry for everyone's suffering and loss... But I do understand. I really, really, REALLY do. It's a blessing to have people to share with and get through these things with. Thank you all so much for sharing and for your desire to help. Truly.

Thank you, Judith - You are absolutely right. Just like love, happiness is a choice and a commitment - only to yourself. Choices are so important. I think she is very heavily burdened and tied down to guilt about the things she could not do - things that were totally out of her hands. There was nothing else she can do - she did it ALL. I can only aspire to be as wonderful as she is, and do all that she did. She needs to be kinder to herself, for sure. I do remind her of that. I'm sure there are moments that are still not easy for you, but that is just so awesome that your friend's words have helped you conquer this!

Kate, you are so absolutely right. That is a LOT for someone to endure all at once. You are right about that hole. Horrible. I'm so sorry for your losses, sister. So hard. Similar to you, she lost her beloved dog who was the light of her life, then her sister passed suddenly and then her mother a little over a month later. She was crushed and, at the time, on auto-pilot, to be sure. And she was totally in this care-giving mode all by herself. Family didn't help, but sure made demands - and are still trying to so do in the aftermath. Crazy stuff. People who love her and just want her to get better and get on with life are telling her just that: get over it, let it go, get on with her life, get a job, get "out there" and "be." Seeing her struggle as she is, I think that that advice is just waaaaay too much, waaaaay too soon. I keep telling her to be kind to herself, to be patient; that she needs time to process and reset. For the past few years she has been in high gear, non-stop, round-the-clock steamroller of emotional and physical stress. Caregiving definitely is not for the faint-hearted, his it? Her heart and her head and her body virtually never stopped. I have no idea how she did it, God bless her. But now it's as if her body has physically come to a screeching halt, not having to be on "high alert" and 24/7 duty due to her mother's passing; but her heart and her head are barreling over her as they slowly come off that high gear roll they've been on, if that makes sense. It's as if nothing is in line anymore, there is that big "hole" you spoke about, and everything is just...wrong...and painful... SO hard for her. I told her that I think, if she can swing it, the best thing would be for her to give herself a little more time for her heart and head to get in line with her body, and THEN decide how she wants to proceed with life; that it won't be forever. She can't just ignore what happened. It's as if she is in post-traumatic stress, you know? I tend to think if she allows herself time to realign, to rest and to reset, she will heal a lot more healthily and "faster" than if she forces/shoves herself into an all-new situation with all new stresses. Her life is out of whack and with her emotions all awry: how can people expect her just to ignore what she went through? I don't understand. Just because loved ones aren't experiencing this the same way she is certainly does not invalidate what she is going through. Have a little compassion, people! Geez!

"They" say it takes about half the time you've known someone to get over their loss. Well, she is 61 years old, her mother was her mother her whole life... She may not LIVE to see the day she "gets over" her mother's loss, if you can even really give it a time frame. My grandmother never did. I don't know that I would ever get over the loss of my mother. I'm still not over the loss of my grandmother and grandfather and father! But she does have time to get through the worst of it, with the help of God and loved ones, and learn to live peaceably with her mother's absence. I fully believe it's just a matter of time before she gets her footing again. And if her feet start sinking, we all love her and will make sure she is able to pull herself out of the mire. But time...TIME is what she needs.

Again, I know it won't be forever. We can look at nature and see how things manage to normalize after terrible tragedy. When a nor'easter blows ashore, it leaves the coastline a terrible mess with debris. It can be unrecognizable; difficult to find your bearings and know where you're standing. It can be so bad you can't imagine the beach will ever regain it's peaceful beauty again. But as time goes on, the ebb and flow of the tides slowly smooth out and naturally clean the shore. Eventually we can take off our sandals and revel in the softness and warmth of the sand as the water flows beneath our toes, tickling our feet while gently massaging the sand out from under them and back into the ocean. The beach may not look exactly the same, but there is a whole new peaceful vista to delight the senses. I try to remind myself of that every time there is a crisis. Well, right now, she is in crisis. Rushing her out to swim in the seaweedy mess with debris all around her is not going make her feel better or experience joy again. 'Might as well push her off a boat in the middle of the sea and leave her to treading water! No. My job as her friend is to help her through the shock and pain and emotional distress so she can come to the place where she can once again start noticing the beauty of the beach and waters surrounding her...when she can enjoy the smooth sand and the treasures of the shells and seaglass all around... and to hear the gulls, to feel the warm breeze and to enjoy the peaceful sound of the gently rolling tides... To see the beauty, to revel in it, and to feel whole. All in due, patience-filled time. She will get there. With the help of God, I know she will.

Love and hugs,

Nini

Farmgirl Sister #1974

God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!


Edited by - Ninibini on Mar 08 2021 09:33:40 AM
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nndairy
True Blue Farmgirl

2972 Posts

Heather
Wapakoneta Ohio
USA
2972 Posts

Posted - Mar 09 2021 :  6:22:13 PM  Show Profile
Nini - you have such an amazing way with words! I'm sorry to hear about your friend. I'm adding her to my prayer list. I think you're already doing everything you can for her. Just don't stop. It may not seem like the little things you're doing are helping but I bet they are. I can't remember where I read the story but there was a lady that lost a loved one (I can't remember who it was either) but she said the hardest part was when all the phone calls and cards/letters stopped. No one called to check on her or sent a note to say they were thinking of her and it was then that she truly felt all alone. You may be walking through the debris on the beach right now but it's easier to do with a friend beside you. I pray that God clears a path for your friend and that it get a little bigger everyday.

~Heather
Farmgirl Sister #4701
September 2014 Farmgirl of the Month


"The purpose of life is to enjoy every moment" - Yogi teabag
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Ninibini
True Blue Farmgirl

7577 Posts

Nini
Pennsylvania
USA
7577 Posts

Posted - Mar 14 2021 :  10:33:02 AM  Show Profile
Thank you, Heather. You know, truly, I have heard that time and again over the years. Your life comes to a screeching halt in the midst of this hellacious storm, and people notice and stop to take pause and help you through a day or two of it; but then everyone else's life moves on, and you feel left in the wake of dust and debris settling all around you, and you struggle pick up the pieces alone. It is so, so hard. It is a hard balance for a friend, though, too, because you want to honor the person's need for space and time for quiet digestion, but you also want to be there, just like you always have been, but things are very different. You want to help, but you don't want to impose, if that makes sense. I am honored and grateful that she allows me to walk with her in this journey, to be sure. I try to take her cues. She was here one day last week to dog sit while we were at a testing appointment for my husband. She had a whole morning to herself, being loved on by our Bella, who just adores her, and she was able to sort through some necessary paperwork uninterrupted. It seemed to do her good just to be able to shut everything out for a couple of hours. We brought her a big bowl of Johnny Jump-Ups as a thank you, and she became teary-eyed because they were one of her mother's favorites (I hadn't known.). She was thrilled, though, to have the reminder, kind of taking it as a sign or a "God Wink." She actually had a sign of relief in her countenance. It was definitely a good thing!

Hugs,

Nini

Farmgirl Sister #1974

God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!

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